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FR: STFU is hard to do, and AWALT.

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February 18, 2016
16 upvotes

My wife has been in a bit of a funk lately. It happens occasionally with her, maybe some un-diagnosed depression issues involved, but whatever I usually just roll with it, I know not to expect too much out of her during one of these episodes, and I'd rather deal with this a few times a year than have her on medication and she agrees.

I get home from work, pull her out of her funk enough to get her moving along for our busy evening schedule (amazingly I solved every problem she couldn't all day long in under 5 minutes). The kids have places to be, we need dinner, a little shopping, and then home late with a not insignificant amount of chores to be done before bed.

We get home, I get the kids lined out, assigning tasks, get everyone moving on what needs to get done. I decide to tackle a mini project related to one of the chores that has been on the list for a while. As I'm doing that and she's watching she makes a comment about am I going to do X while I'm doing this project.

Now, I could have done X, X does need to be done, but it would have added 30 minutes to the project and I need to order some very specific supplies to do a significantly more detailed version of X, and it would involve redoing X anyway. So I told her we need to order Y first then I'll do X when Y comes in. I don't remember exactly what she said here, but she essentially acknowledged my plan of action and seemed on board.

So I finish up the project (takes another 20 minutes) and she's surveying the results and starts really laying into me about why didn't I do X while I was doing the project. We really need to do X, I can't believe you didn't do X. I don't know why you even bothered with all this if you weren't going to do X, etc. Before I would have DEER'ed this to death, rehashed everything I said previously and then I would have launched into an "I worked all day, came home dealt with your shit, dealt with the kids, did the project, don't have any free time, didn't want to waste another 30 minutes on something I would have to redo anyways, just want to have some time left for myself tonight, can't do it all by myself, victim puke." For a split second I almost did this.

We interrupt this frame report for an important message...

If you think /u/whinemoreplease doesn't like your victim pukes, then magnify that times 1000 for how much your wife dislikes victim pukes. It'll turn the rain forest into the Sahara in no time.

... we now return to your regularly scheduled FR.

I probably still talked too much, but I simply said I already told you my plan 20 minutes ago, if you had concerns you should have brought them up then, not waited until I was done to bitch about how I did it. Then I just STFU and refused to engage her on it any further, despite her spending about 5 minutes nagging and trying to draw me into an argument.

So she goes off to our bedroom, obviously still upset, and I continued on with a few more tasks and some clean-up from the project. I had to repeatedly beat the little beta fucker in my head into submission because it was hard to not follow her, explain myself, appease her etc. As the title says STFU is hard to do. It definitely shows I have more work to do.

I finished my cleanup, prepped my lunches for the rest of the week (cooked, weighed, and packaged some chicken to take to work), prepped my breakfasts for the week, and then headed to the bedroom. That beta fucker in the back of my mind wouldn't STFU himself about the shitstorm that was going to be waiting in the bedroom.

When we got to the bedroom I could here the "thud" as that beta fucker passed the fuck out in shock inside my head. There was my wife, all pleasant and sweet, not seeming to even remember the fight she tried to pick 30 minutes ago. In the past I would have brought it back up myself, I wouldn't have even noticed she was past it, I would have felt the need to drag some acknowledgment out of her for everything I did today, including getting her out of her funk and into the world of functional adult, and everything else. With beta fucker passed out, I just reminded myself you usually can't go wrong with STFU. I'll say it again though STFU is hard to do.

Instead, I initiated hard, didn't really give her a chance to say no or object, just took what I wanted. She seemed significantly more into it than she has been lately. I wasn't a minute man, but I didn't last long for some reason (it usually takes me 20-30 minutes to finish). Then I helped her with her O. Afterwards she was significantly more snuggly and affectionate then she usually is.

STFU might not be so hard next time.

So that got long, if you made it through all of that a couple of personal observations and a question.

  1. When in doubt STFU, and kill that BETA fucker still whispering in your ear. Take him out back and shoot him, he's not doing you any good.

  2. AWALT, she doesn't give a shit what you did yesterday, she doesn't even give a shit what you did 4 hours ago. All she cares about is what you didn't do, and even that she doesn't care about 30 minutes later.

  3. Did I handle the shit test in there correctly? Would any of you have done anything differently? I'd appreciate any insight into the entire interaction.


Post Information
Title FR: STFU is hard to do, and AWALT.
Author 42andatowel
Upvotes 16
Comments 21
Date 18 February 2016 03:59 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207659
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/46fepe/fr_stfu_is_hard_to_do_and_awalt/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
DEERbetaAWALTframeshit testhard nexting
Comments

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

What shit test?

All I saw was that she had a different opinion than you. You disagreed and continued on your way.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

No, she initially agreed it would be better to wait for project Y, then after he finished, pulled a bipolar shit test nagging at him about why he didn't do Y.

That is, indeed, a shit test.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

I simply said I already told you my plan 20 minutes ago, if you had concerns you should have brought them up then, not waited until I was done to bitch about how I did it.

Read WISNIFG and How to Win Friends and Influence People. Nobody wins an argument, especially when it's all "you" statements.
 
Fogging, negative assertion, negative inquiry, self-disclosure (that means "I" statements) are what was needed. STFU is what you do when you would otherwise say the wrong thing. STFU makes it less likely that you will make things worse. Standing your ground was good, but you could have come out of that interaction in an even better spot with some assertiveness instead of aggression.

[–]Nebulose111 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. STFU is one of my weak points. Little beta bitch me wants her to understand. He doesn't realize that her understanding doesn't matter.

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

if you had concerns you should have brought them up then, not waited until I was done to bitch about how I did it.

Success depends on how you said this. Said with the right tone this could be a dismissive pressure flip - good. If it was whiny it could sound like you're victim-complaining she's being an unreasonable boss - weak. WISNIFG is critical. She should not get to decide right and wrong in your head.

[–]What_is_real_anymore1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Initiating after bad behavior could reinforce bad behavior. Suddenly, youcould find yourself fucking her brains out after every time she shit tests you. And if you don't cause you really don't want to fuck after one of those, what will her response be? We're all pavlov's dogs after all.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Shit tests are foreplay. That's exactly when you fuck her brains out.

[–]exotictantra1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

all pleasant and sweet, not seeming to even remember the fight she tried to pick 30 minutes ago. In the past I would have brought it back up myself, I wouldn't have even noticed she was past it, I would have felt the need to drag some acknowledgment out of her for everything I did today, including getting her out of her funk and into the world of functional adult, and everything else.

this happens with me a lot now and I am ashamed of my past beta. Isn't it amazing how soon they seem to move on.. learning to STFU, need to improve my "amused mastery"

[–]Griever1141 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

As I'm doing that and she's watching she makes a comment about am I going to do X while I'm doing this project. Now, I could have done X, X does need to be done, but it would have added 30 minutes to the project and I need to order some very specific supplies to do a significantly more detailed version of X, and it would involve redoing X anyway. So I told her we need to order Y first then I'll do X when Y comes in. I don't remember exactly what she said here, but she essentially acknowledged my plan of action and seemed on board.

I probably still talked too much, but I simply said I already told you my plan 20 minutes ago, if you had concerns you should have brought them up then, not waited until I was done to bitch about how I did it.

You DEER'd.. she had already pulled you in and you fell for it. A simple, "I got it honey, goodbye" would have been enough.

Still have work to do.

[–]adamalan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It happens occasionally with her, maybe some un-diagnosed depression issues involved

Whenever I hear of depression in women my first thought is 'semen deficiency'.

I do believe it is scientifically known to benefit that problem.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Shutting the fuck up is hard. There are definitely times when sitting there completely silent almost seems forced or like you're just pissed or too afraid to say anything. When I'm in those situations where staying silent almost looks weak, I'll just fuck with my gf by saying stupid shit.

"My lord and savior xenu told me to hold off on X, he has a lot of great ideas I'd love to share with you"

Then keep pretending I'm a scientologist and try to convert her with my dick until she gets mad and storms off or can't stop laughing. If you can't think of anything good to say though, shutting up is always the best bet. Also don't underestimate looking her in the eyes silently until she looks away. That little act of domination is usually enough to put her in her place without having to say anything.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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