Identifying Shit Tests nipping Passive-Agressiveness in the bud

enfier · 2016-01-19T01:09:02+00:00

You are trying to analyze your wife to find the shit tests. I suggest you just take a step back and tune in to your own desires. Try to remain emotionally one step above the whole conversation, imagine yourself as an observer of your conversation if necessary.

It will boil down to questions like - What do I want to do? Does that really impact anyone else? Why does it require explanation?

Once you are in your own frame, the shit tests will be easily spotted and laughed at.

FearDearg2015 · 2016-01-18T18:58:37+00:00

She's accusatory with her words and shames me into shit.

Shit tests.

I've had enough of it and I'm finding myself very angry at how she's used me all of these years.

No good being angry with her. Turn that shit back on yourself. You are the one who put her on the pedestal. She didn't force you to do anything. You made your own choices, don't go trying to put the blame on her.

My advice is to not focus on looking for specific cases which you could label as a shit test and instead focus on not losing control of yourself and your emotions,regardless of what she says. That counts for the positives and negatives. Just focus on carving out your place in the world, and validating it for yourself. She's still on the pedestal that you put her on. Stop recognising that pedestal. Revoke the "pussy pass". Start having fun. Make something of your life that you are proud of

Countpudyoola · 2016-01-18T20:29:08+00:00

Just right off the bat: Catch yourself if you start to D.E.E.R (Defend explain excuse or rationalize) in any convo. Learn how to be good and O.I. and assume everything is a shit-test.

Only AFTER you start blowing through them do you need to worry about figuring out which are comfort tests.

Divorce your mindset from equating her emotional levels with your success levels. You can piss her off to high heaven and still be breezing through a shit test. It's the day after and macro that's important.

UEMcGill · 2016-01-19T15:38:23+00:00

First a little theory.

Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullen behavior, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible....

This is straight from the wikipedia page.

So we have two things going on. First boundaries, and second guilt.

She's doing things like being sullen, or lazy etc. those are her actions. If she's doing them and it interferes with the mission, then it's a boundary issue. Address it as such, "Hey, I asked you not to use the debit card while we get our budget in order, but you did any way. So I shut it off." Set good strong boundaries and enforce them. As you're learning, if you don't think you can enforce it, don't set it as a boundary. Small victories lead to big ones.

The second point, guilt. Learn to take a pause. Listen to what she says, don't sit there trying to formulate an answer or excuse, but listen. Then take a pause, and ask yourself "Is she judging my actions or am I. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN." The absolute biggest thing you can take away from WISNIFG is "I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN JUDGE MY ACTIONS".

So when you internalize these things, you realize she's the only one hurt by passive aggression, and if you set good boundaries no one notices.

midlifedick · 2016-01-18T17:52:18+00:00

Can you identify what is NOT a shit test?

If she is asking you to comply, its a shit test. If she is making statements about you and your abilities, its a shit test. Basically, if you are a beta, everything she says is probably a shit test. Just try to pass one per day and work your way up.

6TimesDown7TimesUp · 2016-01-18T19:02:08+00:00

Re-read and practice WISNIFG and NMMNG.

Understanding and using things like fogging and broken record helped me deal with language that I thought was shaming and accusatory but was really just my reaction to it.

Meanwhile till you internalize the sidebar material STFU will be your friend.

Still use STFU when wife ambushes me with shit tests when I'm tired and the ol' mental mainframe isn't processing as fast or efficiently as I need to respond appropriately.

theultmatecad · 2016-01-18T19:48:47+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2pb4fs/everything_you_need_to_know_about_shit_tests/

The sidebar at TRP is a treasure trove.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-01-18T19:57:16+00:00

Say nothing.

Not everything requires a response

Scribs1 · 2016-01-18T17:58:15+00:00

Short simple sentences help keep you from arguing, explaining, defending, etc. followed by being quiet. "No." "I don't want to." "I gave you my answer." You don't want to sound angry or retaliatory. Be calm and non aggressive.

If she is just bitching without asking a question then you don't need to respond. If she follows up a tirade with a scornful "Well?!?" you can point out there was no question. "What was your question?"

Your best bet is to say less when you are unsure. When you are sure something is a test, Agree and Amplify. When she is complaining about outside stuff, learn the fogging technique.

Things to keep in mind: stay calm, always be calm. Learn to catch yourself when you are getting mad and instead of yelling back or getting nasty, smile and ignore. Your wife will not blow up your marriage because you do not get her a drink or don't want to drive her somewhere. However if you said you would do something, DO IT. One thing that helped me realise I could say no was that she frequently denied doing things for me that I would never say no to her about.

Forget the past and all the weak things you did. You are building a new you. There will be mistakes and slip ups but the main thing is to keep moving forward and improving. It is a long slow process that requires you adopt certain frames of mind. Changing the way you perceive you and your world is not an overnight thing. You need to have OI, an attitude of not giving a fuck while still giving a fuck (since you are married you do not want to have to next her), and to know and believe that you are the prize in your relationship.

Quarter_Century_Club · 2016-01-19T01:57:38+00:00

I was having difficulties with this as well and these helped me better understand the concept.

http://illimitablemen.com/2014/12/14/the-shit-test-encyclopedia/

Blue Pill Professor's video series https://youtu.be/ViICmjx2kVo (Also watch the next Vid - #4)

cj_aubrey · 2016-01-19T14:55:43+00:00

OP, I think I'm a month or two past where you are. My wife used to be a shit test dragon (because I made her that way). But since I've started passing the shit tests and got through a Main Event, she's basically respectful to me all the time, even when I do something that made her unhappy or inconvenienced her. For me the key was internalizing some of the content in WISNIFG.

She's accusatory with her words and shames me into shit.

Most of my wife shit tests where different forms of negative opinions on my behavior. When she expresses one of these negative opinions I stop to consider whether she is right (like if I didn't do something I said I would). If she is right by my standards (maybe 5% of the time), I apologize and fix it like a responsible adult. If I don't agree with her assessment, I ignore it, A&A, tell her I don't care, shrug and go do something else. But above all else maintain frame. Let her shriek, cry, accuse, threaten to divorce me, but I will not raise my voice or take her seriously. That has worked. Good luck.

whinemoreplease · 2016-01-19T18:27:49+00:00

shit tests are about congruency. are you as grounded in reality as you portray. if you are, her bullshit won't bother you. if you're just pretending, her bullshit will.

Title	Identifying Shit Tests nipping Passive-Agressiveness in the bud
Author	UnlimitedEgo
Upvotes	3
Comments	26
Date	January 18, 2016 5:32 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/41jycm/identifying_shit_tests_nipping/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/identifying-shit-tests-nipping-passive.207728 https://theredarchive.com/post/207728

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