I’ve internalized most of the Red Pill for a long time. Even though I agree with almost everything, I never found any convincing explanations as to why living together before marriage increases divorce rates.

I was thinking that I suggest a new theory on this, based on other peoples’ stories and my limited personal experiences that I hadn’t exactly connected until just now! I have a feeling that this might already be self-evident to many people here, though.

To start with some background, perhaps it would be good for the purpose of this theory to look at the basal purpose for having a relationship before marriage as PRIMARILY a tool for vetting. What I mean is that, yes, building a connection with your man before marriage is really important, not to mention one of the most rewarding experiences a person can have. But the biggest technical/strategical reason why being in a relationship first is better than going into an arranged marriage straight away is that you get to VET your man apologetically.

As far as I can see, the problem with living with your boyfriend is that it clouds your ability to vet properly, and it pressures you to tolerate dealbreakers/concerning traits that you ordinarily wouldn’t if you were more separate. Maybe you don’t want to break the lease. Maybe you think you’re too busy to find a new place. Maybe you grew so dependent on each other that the thought of being alone is terrifying.

The biggest example that comes to me is my former manager. She told me that before she had moved to the city, she was living with her boyfriend of four years. The last several months of the relationship, they were so cold to each other, that they didn’t even talk to each other despite living in the same apartment. Why would anybody waste their time for that long? Because it was so hard to leave.

A lighter example: ever been in a relationship in which you were so close to each other that it was hard to leave? I did. When I was 18, I lived on the same dorm floor as my first boyfriend. At month three, I was not convinced that we weren’t going to last, but I stayed because- heck, I’m stressed, I have exams, how can I study if I’m post-breakup with my first boyfriend and I see my ex down the hall every day going to class? So he grew on me, and I thought I could ignore the problems. They became too big to ignore four months later. Nice lesson, but I sure could have learned it with less emotional energy and less time. (Disclaimer: I was 18 and pre-Red Pill)

I’m sure that any of you who have been on this sub for long enough have seen the occasional advice post about a girl who turns into a doormat when living with her boyfriend, or otherwise has ignored the fact that her man is not captain material- all extended to the extreme if they live together.

At the same time, living together isn’t a death sentence for the relationship. After all, it only increases your chance of divorce by a significant percent, but it isn’t inevitable. I wonder if the girl moving in with an emotionally stable, red pill mindset is better able to think clearly enough to skirt the ill effects of this arrangement and yet find a balance to deal with the minor annoyances (dirty dishes and whatnot) that may inevitably come with living with someone else.

What are your thoughts? Experiences? Full disclosure, I’ve never actually lived with a boyfriend before. I just like theorizing :)

Edit: Looking at the comments, it seems that the consensus is that the benefits of moving in before marriage far outweigh the risks, but ONLY if you are 100% sober while you do it. Meaning,you must (1) be certain that your man is marriage-minded, (2) you must have the clarity to recognize things that can't be fixed/you can't bear to live with forever, and (3) have the strength to leave as reasonably soon as possible if you identify one of these things.

Perhaps this should be the warning label on men who want to move in with you.

Thank you for all of your responses!