When does it get better?

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April 13, 2019

I am trying to post in OYS since I've not done that yet but I can't seem to post in there for whatever reason so I am resorting to posting here along with my question.

I am 28 5'9" 135 skinny manlet battling biliary cancer since late Jan. Used to be about 160 and looked better than my now constant Skeletor cosplay. Not looking for sympathy.

Lifts: 3 sets of: Bench 115x10 Squat 125x10 Deadlift 200x10 Curls 90x10

In addition I do 3 sets of pushups of about 100. Situps with 25lb weight of aprox 50. Pullups x 15.

These vary wildly day by day due to treatment and have all suffered majorly from the treatment.

I've read NMMNG, WISNIFG, TRM, MMSLP, MAP, The Sex God Method, WOTSM, and a handful of other redpill but not sidebar books.

Test level at 395. If anyone has any advice if I should consider TOT please chime in.

I now see most of what I have asked you guys as trivial because I did not give the full story but the advice you've all given has been invaluable so thank you all for what you have contributed so far.

My wife has been basically over the relationship since December and I haven't understood why but I think my illness has played a huge roll into me DEERing and other stupid shit I just can't have fathomed doing with literally any other woman. Yes, I have oneitis bad. Anyway, I have to work like a mad lad to be even able to afford treatment and so those of you who have answered my questions in the past know that I work 80 hours a week, have anxiety intermittently, and am very negative. I was not comfortable admitting my disease until this moment right now. I'm sure I will be super uncomfortable that I even posted this immediately after I post too. It's a hard pill to swallow for me but one that needs to happen. I am completely in my wife's frame right now and I see the way out but the old crab in a barrel keeps happening with me and her. I feel like I really don't want to push her away especially right now but in not wanting to that is exactly what I am doing as you all most obviously know. The only thing that keeps me solice is the fact that I know she isn't getting dicked down by anyone other than me as her culture is completely against that kind of thing and is very strict. I have to be better for myself. I feel like a complete fucking simp around her but not around anyone else because she is the only person besides my parents that know about my condition. I am constantly overthinking shit and being negative. I need a fucking handle on my life.

Two questions are: how can I get my frame back and when does it get better?

I grew up in instant gratification time so it's hard for me to not just expect that. Thanks in advance and I hope this clears shit up.

Post Information
Title When does it get better?
Author BurnedRemains
Upvotes 14
Comments 23
Date 13 April 2019 12:59 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/225193
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/bcl6im/when_does_it_get_better/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
simpMAPWISNIFGframethe red pillNMMNG

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"63 points64 points  (9 children) | Copy

Bro, no one here can help you with this. You should head over to /r/hospicecare, /r/dyingassholes, or /r/wrongplaceforsympathy.


Actually, I logged in just to answer you.

I did not know what biliary cancer was until a few minutes ago.

What stage? I imagine that may play a role.

I "battled" incurable cancer for a little under ten years. It was "manageable" and I'm told by others that I did an amazing job, that I handled it with grace, that I was "the man." I did this while managing a fuck-ton of people, managing a family, and, well, poorly managing a marriage.

That cancer morphed into a much, much worse, terribly aggressive and "unbeatable" cancer just a couple years back. Six months ago I learned that I had beaten it. In a few days I get the results that will definitively state that I have done so, since the magical two year time period post-treatment has concluded.

While I initially lost to the odds (getting the first one was against the odds, getting the second one was absurdly against the odds), I then hugely beat the odds, since one is not supposed to be able to conquer the two combined; from a DNA-perspective, it results in the most deadly characteristics of both, creating an evil hybrid-amalgamation of near-certain death.

After about a decade of battling, around ten surgeries - some really fucking awful - realistically about a million X-rays worth of radiation, and the most hardcore treatment you can envision - designed to destroy my immune system - keep it at the "nadir" - and hit it 24x7 with a cocktail of not one, not two, not three, not four, but five chemotherapy agents, here's what I learned...

But first, an important caveat. My wife was not, during my battle, like this:

My wife has been basically over the relationship since December.

If your wife "has been basically over the relationship" because you have cancer, then fuck her. Don't hate her, this shit is hard. But fuck her. Not in a sexual sense either. More like fuck off.

If it's just that you're both struggling, it makes sense.

If you're both dealing with a terminal prognosis, that's tough.

So, advice... whether it's with her or any other broad:

  1. Depending on the nature of your illness it's neither easy nor practical to ignore her and solely focus on yourself. It just doesn't happen that way.
  2. There is a huge tendency to lose frame in this situation. I never had oneitits. I was never in her frame. I was never a pussy. Until the first diagnosis. While I never did get oneitis or similar, I did become a huge pussy. I was too weak, too often, even if others thought I was putting up a good front. I did put up a good front - an amazing front - my frame was hard - my frame became steel - but after that first diagnosis, well, I treated frame and my wife differently, and that was a fucking mistake.
  3. Don't overshare. This is the hardest and most important advice of all. You will naturally do so. You will want to. Don't fucking do it. There's only so much a relationship can take.
  4. Don't tear down the much-needed chinese firewall between you and your wife. You're not a mormon couple who've been instructed by God to share everything and behave like one unit. Don't fucking do it. It damages the relationship and takes a while to get over.
  5. Don't complain. Don't whine. Don't be weak. It may seem hard, but it's doable.
  6. Get xanax or something similar. You will have some moments that are just damn near too hard to handle and talking, meditation, lifting, running, whatever the fuck will not do it.
  7. Join a support group. I never did. I wish I had. I was 30 years younger than other people with this, but just a few years over the "30-and-under" age limit for the youngster's group, so I skipped it. I think it would have helped a lot.
  8. Don't beat yourself up, bro. This shit is challenging. You've been dealt a tough hand. But, you can get through it.
  9. This one may be hard for you: You'll really benefit from turning that negativity around. Dude, I just fucking knew I could beat this. I had so much positivity. I had so much confidence. I made so many changes. I would have walked through hell itself and fought the devil. I was damn near delusional. But I'm convinced it helped and there's some science that supports that.

During my mega-treament I looked so fucking bad... much worse than you I'm sure. I looked like a combination of this, this, and this, but much worse and more green.

But today bro, I'm at Mystical Rollo's near-max SMV. I'm 6'-2" and 218 lbs. I'm built. I have a six-pack.

I have two awesome children whom I rage with on a regular basis.

You would never fucking know what happened. I'm a beast. My wife wants me all the damn time. I beat this fucking thing in the face of impossible odds and you can too.

(It's not all roses, granted, as I'm dealing with a bit of PTSD and anhedonia, but I'm fucking plowing through those now.)

But you must strive to be healthy. You must leverage your body's inherent capabilities to be healthy, even in the face of such illness. You must learn everything about your disease. You should know that I overruled my second oncologist's opinion and insisted on the harshest treatment possible. That saved my life. You should also know that I traveled across the globe to meet with specialists. I emailed specialists. I called specialists. I could have fucking become a specialist.

I know you don't have much money, but understand, money or not you are your own biggest and best advocate. You must fight for yourself.

You can do this dude.

I'm rooting for you.

p.s. Even though I get pm'd by a bunch of whack jobs on a regular basis, you can pm me anytime.

p.p.s. What comes around goes around. Someone who drops in this forum occasionally replied to a post of mine years back, sort of like your post, before I got this new account, and he helped me. And I won't forget that.

p.p.p.s. Depending on stage, get a second, third, get a fucking fourth opinion. Get a goddamn good specialist even if it means you have to go into debt to do it. But don't start fucking with your hormones until you have your oncologist's permission. Your GP doesn't know shit about biliary cancer. In fact, my GP told me my disease had returned and spread to my heart because he didn't know how to read a fucking petscan. The fucking dick.

One more thing. You get through something this tough and you get hard. And you get tough. And you get strong. And your frame can become damn near unassailable. That's an amazing thing.

[–]yes_kid17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is one of the best comment posts I ever read.

[–]ahackercalled4chan8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

as soon i saw this post, i was hoping you would comment. me & a lot of other MRP'ers have mad respect for you.

OP listen to this guy. seriously.

[–]BurnedRemains[S] 7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy

Thank you. This helped immensely. I really don't have more to say I'm rather speechless.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

Don't sweat it kemosabe. You don't need to say anything, but you do need to shove a twinkie in your mouth.

  • I could not work out that hard during the toughest of my treatment. Good for you dude.
  • You've lost 16% of your body weight in only 10/11 weeks. That's no bueno. Is your doc concerned? Studies show that extra weight is helpful during treatment. If you're not vomiting, then start eating everything in sight. Pack on calories like there's no tomorrow. A bunch of previously skinny-ass dudes in this place can help you with that. You do not even need to worry whether it's muscle or fat, it just needs to be mass that gets the numbers up. If you are vomiting, ask to get on Emend and Zofran if you're not already, they are miraculous. In fact, a sexy little nurse told me she uses Zofran for day-after hardcore hangovers. Brilliant.

Eat dude. That's too much weight loss, too fast.

[–]BurnedRemains[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

I need to make an addendum I lost that weight since about November but it's all related. Vomiting like crazy. I'm definitely going to get one of those to help. I eat like a freak the last couple weeks but almost nothing has stayed down.

Last Thursday I want to say, I switched my diet again in order to start packing it back in. So far I've gained 2.5lbs but that could likely just be water weight.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

If you are vomiting like crazy and aren't already on those meds, then either (1) you're not adequately managing this or (2) you're not adequately being managed. The former is understandable, the latter is unacceptable.

Like I said, you are your own best advocate. In fact, like MRP preaches, you are your only advocate.

Time to take charge, but take it offline and PM me because MRP doesn't need our cute cancer courtship nor does it need a full-blown cancer, cancer survival, and beat-the-fuck-out-of-life-during-and-after-beating-the-fuck-out-of-cancer education.

But it sounds like you do.

p.s. You can change your diet five ways 'til sunday but it won't matter much if "almost nothing has stayed down."

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

This type of shit makes me so pleased. Really good people are on this sub. Own your shit and you get gold. Lie and you get called a faggot.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep fellas, ja's got this one.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


That's the unit of x-rays.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

Honestly dude, and I mean this with all sincerity, forget about your wife. You do you. You need to make your health primary target number one. Also those 80 hour a week jobs are probably not helping at all, I did the same when we were paying off my wifes masters degree and I was a healthy hardbody, cant imagine being sick as shit. Worry about you wife later, if she leaves who gives a shit, if she stays great! Get better and good luck.

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Honestly your wife is not going to respect you if you’re worried about her and how she feels while you’re fighting cancer and working yourself to death. So stop that shit. Stop the 80 hrs bullshit. 40 hrs max at work. Get a social worker (your hospital will have one) and they will set you up with the help you need for insurance if you can’t afford it. Stop worrying about her. If she leaves the fucking good riddance. If she’s gonna bail while your fighting cancer you don’t want her anyway.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Test level at 395

I don’t think you’d have a hard time finding a doc to put you on TRT. Check clinics also... unless that would make your cancer worse, of course. Sorry to hear.

Yeah, just work on not complaining...master that. Make it a habit. Work on not reacting at the same time, even if you have to leave.

As far as the weights, I suggest going heavier with more weight, and look into TRT, as mentioned. I feel for you bro. Hang in there.

[–]Dialerstring2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

There is a ton of great advice that has been offered here. I would agree that you focus on your health and please make yourself a priority. The 80 hour work week is pretty extreme so if you can figure out a way to dial back in the hours and pay for treatment that would be a help. Keep your head up, Cat.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It gets better when you clean off the wife goggles.

She needs you strong, non complaining and stoic as fuck.

Drop the heavy lifting and chase form.

Peanut butter in shakes can be your best fat friend right now.

This journey and life change is about you. Forget about her and work on becoming the best you can be for you.

Sick people cannot work 80 hours and get healthy. Get healthy and get some rest.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’re in a tough spot. First off - what’s your prognosis? I pray you fully recover and go into remission!

You need to worry about your health first and foremost. If she wants to abandon or treat you like shit you definitely don’t need a woman like that.

I suggest you own up (to yourself) that yes you have cancer, it sucks, but you’ll get through it. If possible, joke about it. It’s not funny by any means but for me, humor always help me in dark times.

What makes you feel uncomfortable sharing it?

You need to dial back work, supplement with disability, get a go fundme, whatever. 80 hours a week is going to stress your body and it certainly doesn’t need that.

I suggest getting into therapy for the anxiety and the fact you have cancer. If you can’t, try to find someone other than your wife to be negative with. Hell PM me if you have to. I have suffered through anxiety and depression and serious illness (not cancer though), and personal tragedy (son died from cancer). So yeah, life can throw sucky shit at you. Take it minute by minute, day by day. Focus on the present and don’t think about the past or worry about the future.

Good luck man!

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sorry to hear of your situation, I'm going to leave that part alone.

You're still full of fear, which I understand, but you are coming off needy. Personally my guess is once you fully accept the illness, your situation will get better because you will have beaten your fear, and THEN you'll get your frame back.

Good job on owning it by posting btw. Next step, give into it and own it for reelz. Just like u/johneyapocalypse has . Then, be that guy everyone is in awe of cause he's dealing with serious shit, like a boss.

We're all dying. What are you going to do with your time left? Bonus fav quote "get busy living or get busy dying".

[–]RPeed1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

5’9” is the perfect height. My mom told me so.

If you’re in denial with internet anons... you’ve no hope IRL. So I’m sure you’ll make more progress from here.

I bulked from 135 to 210 at the same height. Milk, chocolate milk and ground beef with eggs cracked in are your friend.

That being said, I have heard fasting, low calories and alkaline juices can create a more hostile environment for cancers. No clue but probably do some research before focusing on getting your weight up.

If it is the way you want to go, happy to give you some pointers.

Sorry about your wife dude but fuck her. You do you. Rationale Male is a good read.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lifts: 3 sets of: Bench 115x10 Squat 125x10 Deadlift 200x10 Curls 90x10

Fuck, you are probably the first person I have ever told this, but I wouldn't be too concerned about lifting heavy right now. If you are actively losing weight, you are going to hurt yourself by lifting too much. I'd focus on trying to gain weight any way you can. If you want to lift, go low weight, high reps, you just want to hold on to any functional strength you can at this point.

I assume you have terrible nausea right now, focus on high calorie density foods. Peanut butter, oils, weight gainer shakes, etc. You don't have any weight left to lose here.

You probably won't be approved for TRT at 400TT, you might be able to convince a doc to prescribe you TRT or some other similar drug because you clearly have muscle wasting problems. Complain about how you aren't able to do day-to-day things anymore, going up stairs takes major effort, opening car doors, can barely carry groceries in, etc.

Good luck.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Frame. Understanding it always seems to be the issue.

Some like OP think it's the magical exilir.

If I only had my frame back.

Others think it's a magical shield to protect them from the evil wimmens.

She couldn't break my frame.

If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you’d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled–have you no shame in that?”  — Epictetus

The cornerstone of frame is identifying externals and what is beyond your influence. There is no better example than the emotion of a woman. Allowing yourself to be upset by her emotional storms and random thoughts is as foolish as getting upset about the weather. It’s a waste of energy. That’s not to say that you should live with unpleasentness. You do need to deal with that.

You should let her know it's bullshit. That this isn't something to spend time nor energy on. There isn't just one thing that you need to do. The misleading part of the red pill process is that it is perceived as a step ladder like dread with it's levels. Thing is you need to do it all at once all the time.

You should work to find something you can make your mission. If you create from that place, it’s bound to inspire others. She will then begin to sense your masculine frame forming.

Don’t expect everyone to get it. You will get overlooked at some point in your life and brutally criticized by those without skin the game. Don’t hand over your peace of mind to outsiders to disrupt as they please. Recognize the noise for what it is and it will become almost laughable.

Most importantly remember:

A captain does his personal shit in the cabin not on deck.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you’re asking a question as basic as “how can I get frame?” then you haven’t done shit about reading the sidebar and owning the monstrosity of your beta nature.

[–]jcrptaRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck. Me. Sideways.

I'm going to lose so much karma on saying this, but it needs saying:

You are lifting more than me in every way, shape and form. You're working twice the hours I am. And you're doing all this while fighting a serious illness.

Does that sound like the action of a weak man? Because to me it sounds like the action of a strong man, both mentally and physically.

Does your wife understand this? Whether she does or not, there's no words you can say to her that will persuade her of it. She has to reach that conclusion herself. You can best explain it not by saying it, but by doing it.

Will she get the hint? Maybe, maybe not. A significant part of internalising RP ideas is that her figuring these things out is not your problem. If she does, great! If not... well, you are in a strong place to move on because who in their right mind is going to perceive you as anything but a catch?

[–]Rogue684860 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How are you being negative?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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