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Validation & MRP, contradictions

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June 23, 2019
11 upvotes

Honest question, not trolling. On my first OYS, was advised to read up on validation and stop seeking it. There were several good posts on why validation seeking is bad, for example: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/ab7vt5/validation_needs_that_can_poison_your_sex_life/ I definitely recognize this flaw in my own wiring. In contrast, Mr. Tomassi describes validational sex (from woman's perspective) as good: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/82trm6/transactional_vs_validational_sex/ Can somebody clarify how this term is used differently depending on situation and context? Much appreciated.


Post Information
Title Validation & MRP, contradictions
Author Goobergus_Gubbins
Upvotes 11
Comments 21
Date 23 June 2019 06:02 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/243155
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/c48ny0/validation_mrp_contradictions/
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Comments

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret10 points11 points  (8 children) | Copy

Stop worrying about it from her perspective. You have a long way to go as it is. blue pill men they hold a lot of value to sex. And before you start denying that you do this, I’m not talking about sex with any girl… I’m talking about sex with that girl.

I’m talking about sex with the girl you have sex with and decide you want to be the only one have sex with her. Sex is not money. Sex is not love. Sex does not hold any additional value besides reaching a moment of ecstasy–and that’s only if you really know what you’re doing.

A women who has no intention of dating you, but wants to keep taking advantage of you (because someone can desire you or what you provide but not value you) has no problem opening up her legs to make you think everything is all cool between the two of you just to keep you providing. Hence duty sex and your hungry pursuit of it.

Your validation is in thinking that she is the only one that will give you a blowjob. So you will do anything to keep her. Sex isn’t the goal here. It’s the result of your work. A result of who you are.

Stop worrying about all these other things and what an Alpha should be. Just be one.

[–]JCX_Pulse3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Love the “sex is not valuable” explanation. I struggle with this issue and realized i equate the amount of sex I get the same as having more money in my bank account. That’s why it has so much power over me. Flipping the perspective and realizing it’s simply a valueless exchange could help me frame sex in a more healthy way.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Stop worrying about all these other things and what an Alpha should be. Just be one.

My only thought was quit overthinking it, so I’m glad you put that last line in

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins[S] -1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

Agree that as a rookie, focusing on the basics is my priority. I'm only bringing this up because validation was a common response to my OYS. I'm a recovering tradcon beta & I find that much of what already unplugged guys find obvious involves a great deal of de-programming for me personally. Thus absorbing a lot of content helps as I work through the beginner steps. I'm trying to not freak out, not act stupid, and not ramboing. Results so far are good; my wife is very warm toward me, lots of keno, and verbally positive about us. I think we spent some years there where she was a loyal soldier out of duty but not feeling it so much. Now it seems to be coming more naturally for her. Good stuff.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

What the fuck does any of this mean?

[–]_-resonance-_0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So yeah dude, I’m in my first LTR after swallowing TRP and I’ve noticed some differences about myself that I’ve not explicitly read about in TRP theory, but these behaviors have naturally manifested as a result of internalizing TRP.

A lot has to do with validation. For example, I don’t reach out to hold hands, unless I’m conscious that I’m providing her with comfort. In no way should you be seeking validation. Note: men’s group at church helps. You can get shit off your chest without “venting” to your woman about “emotions.”

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Stop putting labels on yourself and making excuses. Too many buzz words and shit here. Boil it down: you suck, you want to get better. Everything else is just noise.

[–]NMMNG_10 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Stop DEERing.

  1. Lift
  2. Read the Sidebar
  3. STFU

Those are the basics. However, I've read a bit on your history and your OYS.

You need to read Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch. ASAP.

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm getting better at not DEERing, but I can't DARE on a bet. Trying to STFU in a friendly, positive way. Rather than lifting, I'm putting together a rental house worth of funds to have much of my spine replaced by titanium and polymer. Then will start lifting.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Don’t get wrapped around the axle. Study enough theory and everything starts contradicting at one point. Mental masturbation. I can prove to you mathematically that 1=2 (as long as you don’t realize I’m diving by zero).

Stick to basics:

What would Chad do?

No convert contracts, be your own mental point of origin, have a vision, be chasing excellence each day, pass shit tests, Game her, don’t give a fuck, fuck hard, she’ll value you and then she’ll cum along for the ride.

Don’t become a keyboard jockey faggot.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Ignore the women's perspective - that doesn't need to come into play here. Focus on you.

1) Recognize when you are seeking validation

2) Do not act on the validation seeking

This is going to be really hard but I recommend you do not initiate if it's due to wanting validation OR if you will be butt hurt if she says no.

One day, you'll realize you're not looking for validation anymore. That may be 6, 9, 12, 18 months down the line, but keep working on YOU and you'll get there. As you rightly indicated - you have to change your wiring. First step is recognition.

The key is outcome independence - you can't care what SHE chooses to do (or not do).

Case in point: Last night, I was laying with my wife - initiated, she gave a soft no ("I'm tired"). Ok babe, laid there with her laying on me. Ten minutes later she's initiating with ME. It's a turn on for women when you're OI. Truly OI, they can sense the fake shit a mile away.

A couple of "pointers" if you want to call it that:

  • Realize this is a long process, there are no "instant wins"
  • You have to focus and change yourself
  • You may think women are crazy - but once you know about their true nature, they're predictable
  • Do not go Rambo by thinking you "deserve" her to act better because you're lifting or doing X, Y, Z. It doesn't work like that.
  • Don't overthink shit - it's detrimental. You need to figure out what you truly want and do it. The basics are the same at the start - lift, STFU, sidebar but everyone's journey is going to be different. They're all tools in a toolbox... some will work better for me than they do for you. At some point though, you won't even consciously be going to the tool box - it will flow naturally.

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good stuff. Wife is already in my corner and responds well to each increment of unfucking I achieve. This kind of feedback is helping me to relax and focus on creating value.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

validation sex: you're her first choice, she's horny for you, it's willing and enthusiastic

transactional sex: chore sex, based on overt or covert contract. feels forced or like a job. Choreplay, pre negotiated, etc.

Validation in the generic context: chasing validation means you seek outside fulfillment and recognition for your activity and behaviours when you should find those internally.

eg: you make a coffee table from wood and feel fulfillment from your skills, time to yourself, meditative activity, enjoyment from doing work etc; versus her or someone else saying "oh wow you're so great, look at this".

In a choreplay perspective, you contract work around the house because you just get it done without seeking her approval and consequential transactional sex or attention.

This should be apparent in rollos 1st year rational male or some of his youtube stuff, iron rules of tomassi etc.

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Excellent, that's what I was looking for.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Glad to help

[–]helaughsinhidden1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Looking for mommy to give you the ol' starfish Saturday sex because you did the dishes and made her happy; bad validation.

Her giving you fun, enthusiastic sex to let you know you are the king and don't need to look elsewhere to meet your needs; good validation.

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Also helpful, much appreciated.

[–]mrp_awakening1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Simple... Validation seeking is feminine behavior. She's not going to be attracted to a man that acts like a woman, so cut it out. Do what you want for you, not for compliments from others. You shouldn't give a damn what others think about you, and your self worth shouldn't be based on their opinions. That's frame. Men who have frame are attractive.

Tomassi is calling validational sex as sex woman have with men to feel validated. If Chad thinks she's hawt, she must be hawt, and gets ensuing good feelz. It's the woman seeking validation... not the man. This is typical AF sex where the woman is trying to please the man, because more pleased man=more validation=better feelz. BB sex is transactional... do these chores, buy me dinner, do this for me, pay me, and I'll have sex. Guess which type is hotter, and more enthusiastic?

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Solid answer. Thanks for the clear response.

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

No more Mr nice guy is available on Amazon (other book stores are available) and even in audio on you tube for free!

[–]Goobergus_Gubbins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

NMMNG was a biography of my life. Finished TRM vol 1, and pook. Working on the rest of the sidebar.



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