Boyfriend too clingy

theubernoob · 2019-07-14T19:57:40+00:00

Explain this to him in a factual and nonjudgmental way.

"Listen, I appreciate how much you're into me, but you need to take care of yourself and put yourself first. I am fine, I don't need to be babied, I don't need you to be there every second for me. I love you and I need you to take care of yourself"

Even if he grasps that, it's going to take time and effort to change. Whenever he does something clingy you need to factually state that that's what he's doing. "Hey, I appreciate the thought, but this is what I was talking about, I don't need you to text me 5 times in a row, I'm not mad, I just need to point out what I don't like."

Dudes need shit spelled out for them. Calmly and politely spell it out.

loneliness-inc · 2019-07-14T21:46:19+00:00

because he is very clingy and wants my complete attention all the time

Okay, I think that's a bit of an over exaggeration for emphasis. I highly doubt that he literally wants your attention all the time. What's more likely is that he needs closeness and intimacy with you and to feel loved and desired by you.

Every relationship requires a balance between togetherness and separateness. Where exactly that balance is found is something you'll have to work out with him. You won't accomplish that with your dramatic, all or nothing rhetoric. Remember, the two extreme ends are neglect and smothered. Both are equally as bad. You feel smothered so you need to set a boundary, but if it results in him feeling neglected, it won't help your relationship at all.

I think he'd need to please me less so the power balance is inversed, so I want and respect him more

This is absolutely retarded! Yes, you need a bit more space, but if his kindness is a turnoff for you, you'll find yourself with a string of failed relationships in 20 years.

Another problem with this thinking is that you expect him to solve an issue that you have. Life doesn't work that way. Take responsibility for that which you need.

He's really perfect besides his lack of independance, and I want this relationship to work

If you want him to lead, you'll need to inspire it through your following.

failingtheturingtest · 2019-07-14T18:58:51+00:00

Do not show him the red pill! There is some good, actionable relationship advice in there. But it is surrounded by a lot of stuff that will make him question everything. The risk is not worth the reward.

You will get plenty of advice from others that will help you be a good first mate and guide him to being your captain. So I will leave that to the experts.

Do not introduce men you like to TRP!

girlwithabike · 2019-07-15T00:37:03+00:00

Did you have a crush on this guy before you started dating? Have you always had these complaints since day one or did they develop over time?

After reading your post history I have to wonder if you like him because he is your only friend and not because you are attracted to him as a boyfriend. It's very important to have a fulfilling social life along with hobbies and interests in addition to a boyfriend. Having other things going on in your life will help you not accept any relationship that is offered to you.

samthecre8tor · 2019-07-14T21:44:59+00:00

It can’t be about the relationship. It has to be about him. If you want a relationship more than you want him it’s like wanting a car for people to see and you to have more than you want to enjoy the drive. Tell him the truth. Let him learn. If it ends, he wasn’t ready and you weren’t in a relationship but you saved both of you a lot of time and heart ache. Peace. 👍🏽

pearlsandstilettos · 2019-07-15T00:12:59+00:00

Please add your ages to the post.

HarshaCity · 2019-07-14T19:26:40+00:00

There are plenty of ways you can tell him about what's worrying you directly, but even in the cases of it working initially, him doing what you told him to do will put you in a place of power again, and he'll be really confused in the times you resist his leadership or be annoyed by it, which will make him revert back to his old ways.

I believe that it has to come naturally. Unfortunately your role in that can be pretty limited. I say, encourage him to go to the gym if he isn't doing that already. A little pump in testosterone won't hurt anyone. I'm sorry but that's all what I could squeeze out of my head.

Best of luck

Hammocknapping · 2019-07-14T23:04:33+00:00

First, I think the fact that you left out your age and the age of your boyfriend is a big issue. It is causing you to receive advice for mature, adult relationships. You are not in a mature relationship.

You are 17 and in high school. My guess is your boyfriend is also in high school. You are extremely shy and introverted, which means you don’t have many friends and a lack luster social life. My guess is your boyfriend is in the same position. When your world is small, and you don’t have independent lives, it will impact your relationships.

You need to be independent and have your own interests, your own goals, and your own set of friends. Until you are happy all on your own, you will not be happy in a relationship.

It is no surprise that someone with your issues attracts someone similar.

Etyak · 2019-07-14T21:57:31+00:00

I sense an Oedipus-complex here.... that dude probably had a disrupted relationship with his mother and therefore treats his female parters a certain way, I could be wrong ofc but his lack of independence got me thinking tho...

backdoorinvestor · 2019-07-15T03:14:12+00:00

Don’t be afraid to Red Pill the dude. If he’s too nice, he needs it. Red Pill Philosophy isn’t meant to make men hate women, it’s to make men improve themselves. Unfortunately, the red pill also attracts some men that hate women which gives it a bad reputation. But that’s a very small fraction of red pilled men even though feminist written articles would like us all to believe otherwise.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-07-19T20:35:28+00:00

He's really perfect besides his lack of independence

You're teenagers. 99% of teenagers are not independent.

Also, he's doing what BP society has trained him to do. He hasn't learned yet what women want the hard way.

Read some of the literature - The Surrendered Wife, or Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood, or some such. Look at the tips on how to build up your man into a proper leader. Explain it. Reassure him that, despite the advice/behavior you're encouraging being against society's norms, it's what you want and will make him happy too.

Also, get him to do more stuff that fulfills him. If he's as aimless as most boys these days, he has crap for role models or healthy hobbies.

DissonanceBadger · 2019-07-14T23:31:31+00:00

Don’t use the phrase “too nice” when you talk to him about it. It sounds like you are punishing him for his virtues, and that sounds incredibly ungrateful (not that being nice is necessarily a virtue, niceness alone usually isn’t a virtue, but that is what it’s going to sound like to him).

Explain to him that for you, a certain degree of distance increases your enjoyment of him, because your image of him is constructed through what his actions imply about who he is, and the persona he creates when he is less attached to you makes him seem much more _________ (feel in the blanks), which is something you enjoy.

This will be a very alien concept for him, because for a man the mere contact with a woman is enough to get enjoyment, and it sounds to me like he’s basically overdosing on you as much as he can. The idea that you get the most enjoyment from something you enjoy by not directly experiencing it is going to sound crazy, and what he needs explaining is that what you enjoy is being in the context created by his personality, and even though it may suck that he needs to pull away from you once in a while, this is a short term sacrifice he can make to make sure that he keeps you enthusiastic about him enjoying you in the long term.

Then you’re going to need to explain to him what kind of distance you want and what the rules are, because if he accepts the sacrifice proposition the next step would be him questioning everything about when he can interact with you. You can alleviate this uncertainty by trying to give him a clear explanation as best as you can, and then establish that if he makes a mistake you’ll correct him in a non-reprimanding way; you’re trying to help him get this right because you want him to get this right.

Title	Boyfriend too clingy
Author	kkumee
Upvotes	16
Comments	51
Date	July 14, 2019 6:41 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/cd6isw/boyfriend_too_clingy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boyfriend-too-clingy.245473 https://theredarchive.com/post/245473

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Do not introduce men you like to TRP!