Do Women Ever Get Oneitis

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July 20, 2019

Is it just me or is this mostly a guy thing? I’m sure there’s exceptions but you don’t hear about women pining for guys for months and years like we do for them.

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Title Do Women Ever Get Oneitis
Author Jugurthajones87
Upvotes 94
Comments 49
Date 20 July 2019 11:07 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
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[–]Endorsed ContributorFereallyRed102 points103 points  (18 children) | Copy

[–]Jugurthajones87[S] 127 points128 points  (1 child) | Copy

Funny, I’ve been seeing this cute Asian gal and she just described her marriage in exactly those terms. “After we divorced, I wondered if I ever even loved him.” A little bit later, “I actually wonder that about all my relationships, because after it’s over it seems like I never loved them in the first place. It makes me wonder if I’ve ever been in love in my life, and I don’t think I have.”


[–]golgynat0r58 points59 points  (0 children) | Copy

this could be a literal description of a light-switch effect

[–]Project_Zero_Betas48 points49 points  (4 children) | Copy

I'm almost positive the LSE doesn't occur if the woman is the one who's dumped, it only occurs when she's the dumper.

[–]Endorsed ContributorFereallyRed27 points28 points  (1 child) | Copy


Try Rollo's War Brides for a similar take.

[–]Project_Zero_Betas11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fair enough, but I'd still argue that it's easier for the "instant" LSE to activate when she's the one ending the relationship, whereas when she's the one who's dumped, it's not so much a LSE, as, say, a Lighting Hand Crank (requires much more mental work but still possible to 're-write' the relationship history, mainly because in the former it ended on HER terms, whereas with the latter is was ended via the guy's frame).

[–]UnboundedFollower0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

IMO, this makes sense when you consider the self schema and psychological defense mechanisms. These include things like projection (placing your own unacceptable thoughts on to others), displacement (directing emotions at a substitute person), denial, rationalisation (making up acceptable excuses for unacceptable behaviour). They are strategies used by the mind to manipulate, distort and deny reality to cope with negative emotions and to maintain the self-schema. The self schema is all of your beliefs about yourself, your life and the people in it.

The LSE is just one manifestation of this behaviour. A woman who is perfectly happy in a long term relationship might believe things like "I am a good person", "I am loyal", "My partner is amazing" but if she were to feel attraction for someone else, she would become conflicted because it would contradict her belief that she is loyal. Her mind will need to utilize any number of the defense mechanisms to cope with this. It might be that she gets angry with herself but directs the anger at someone else (displacement). Or she might accuse her partner of being unfaithful (projection). She might try to rationalize it by convincing herself that the relationship isn't that great and she's been unhappy for a while (the LSE).

If the guy were to catch her before she has finished the rationalisation and he dumps her or tells her he wants a divorce, her initial reaction is often to beg for forgiveness and to say she will do anything. She still believes that her partner is great and him dumping her / threatening divorce would conflict with her "He is dependable / will always be there for me" belief. Panic will set in resulting in the begging and pleading.

[–]Project_Zero_Betas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed, the difference I was trying to make from Rollo's WB article is that in the WB scenario, women were taken by "more" alpha guys ("more alpha" because they won the physical conquest of war and were able to co-opt the women for themselves), which is akin to a women who's in a relationship with a guy, coming across a more alpha/desirable guy which she ends up choosing to be with, the new guy "defeated" the old mate in her mind by being more desirable.

When a girl is the one who's dumped in a relationship, there's no "competition" between two rival males that stokes her ego/forces her to make a decision, so the LSE can't really occur. She could always rationalize after the relationship is over that she's "better off without him anyway," but if that's how their minds worked, there wouldn't be alpha widows in the first place.

[–]captaintrippay5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

This man stays dropping knowledge

[–]TRPKiddo9 points10 points  (4 children) | Copy

Beautiful write up.

Question - how does one use the light-switch effect to their advantage? For example, this post tells you about the light-switch effect, and how to identify it.

[–]1jacques_cousteau00720 points21 points  (3 children) | Copy

It’ll only work in your advantage if one of your plates/ONS has LSE’d her current partner, as she will use it to rationalize cheating with you.

If it’s your LTR that shows the LSE, time to start practicing daygame at the local farmers market.

[–]TRPKiddo3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Been on both sides of the coin and only NOW does this all make sense. Thank you.

[–]eagerlearner732-3 points-2 points  (1 child) | Copy

What’s LSE?

[–]EramSumEro1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Shorthand for light switch effect

[–]EvelynnSpoiler1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Holy shit I've theorized this for a while based on how emotionally oriented women are. Glad to finally see something in writing

[–]addwater-2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy

This link doesn't work

[–]AbaGanov2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Light-Switch Effect.

works for me

[–]Project_Zero_Betas131 points132 points  (13 children) | Copy

Men get oneitis, women get alpha widowed.

[–]ohyesimthatguy7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

Mind elaborating? I kinda get it but I'm confused a bit because I've never really understood alpha widow. Especially interested because I'm considering dating this girl but I believe she's been alpha windowed. Is it ever a good idea to date an alpha widow?

[–]Brushyourteethm811 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

When a girl has been with (in her eyes) an incredibly high SMV man and she has that nagging feeling forever more that she won't get as good as him again.

Depends what you want with her - ONS, plate or LTR. I'd avoid an LTR with an alpha widow

[–]Standgrounding2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Only if you have greater SMV

[–]Project_Zero_Betas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Mind elaborating?

It's what /u/Brushyourteethm8 said below: A girl who measures all current and future guys based off of her previous alpha.

Is it ever a good idea to date an alpha widow?

If you're comfortable knowing everything you do will be viewed by her from the paradigm of "What would've insert-previous-alpha-relationship-guy done?" sure. Or if your SMV is equal or higher than his.

[–]Thunderbird934 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

I don't get why people shit on guys with oneitis. Even Igor Sechin the russian government alpha oil executive got it for a blonde bombshell who was flexing on IG on his yacht. She jumped ship and left him for a racecar driver. If a millionaire government official of a country with nukes who is a silovik(man of force) described as the russian darth vader can get oneitis then what about the regular guy with low to medium smv? Thoughts?

[–]dukes19982 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oneitis doesn’t mean being monogamous or being attached it means thinking a specific girl is super special and that no other girls would measure up

[–]Project_Zero_Betas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's a combination of what /u/dukes1998 said below (Thinking the oneitis is somehow special and above all others) and the fact that most cases of oneitis happen with beta orbiters who never have a chance with the girl under any circumstances.

But I agree, and I've said this before, there is a difference between getting oneitis for a girl you've actually fucked versus the oneitis that afflicts so many beta orbiters.

[–]CasaDeFranco0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Some of the most powerful men surround themselves with men, they don't know how to act around women. Look at Elon Musk.

There is always a bigger fish.

[–]PutlockerAndChill9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy


[–]cornylamygilbert1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

ya and I’d say it’s nearly synonymous.

I’ve met successful, well-to-do women who are forever living in their former Alpha’s shadow, who sought the guy out knowing he was a POS, and takes pride in their offspring looking like him (a common phenomenon called the Sexy Son Hypothesis—aka they want a sexy man who will produce a sexy son).

I also grew up with friends who’s mom was alpha widowed. Same story all over again. She took pride in how her son attracted women like they were already addicted. She took pride in that being her creation even though he was the mirror image of his Alpha father.

I’ve met numerous examples of this in the dating realm. A dude I worked with was Red Pilled AF, even had the 48 Laws of Power strong and from what I can tell, did everything right and left bitches wet and fiery then moved on like a stud and seriously treated this girl as if he’d seen everything she could do and it just wasn’t enough. Didn’t look at her really or anything.

Just witnessing all this, I’d say a firm constant is that you can’t ever soften up and give any thought to a woman’s feelings like outside of attraction and sex. There’s gotta be zero room for it in your actions or thoughts. No consideration.

Always do what you want to do.

[–]Project_Zero_Betas0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

ya and I’d say it’s nearly synonymous.

Pretty much, they're both archetypes that the opposite sex believes will never be able to measure up against regardless of who they find after the fact.

[–]TXScorcher3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Oh my 😂

[–]Angelrun28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy

If they get dumped by the guy maybe, or if they can’t find anyone close to their exes SMV maybe. Personally I think they used to but no anymore thanks to tinder.

[–]1kick611 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

They get alpha widowhood. It's like oneitis, but only after he skates.

[–]Borsao669 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah kinda, if they manage to land their crush, he often P&Ds her and creates an alpha widow.

[–]disciplinedFreedom27 points28 points  (0 children) | Copy

Haha Yes. It is called Hypergamy. They are monogamous with the highest available suitor to them. They will leave and become monogamous to a higher status individual when that opportunity arises

[–]PM_ME_LEWD_SHIT8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

I’ve seen something like it happen once. Back in high school one of my friends dumped his girlfriend and she cried wanting him back for 3 straight months threatening to kill herself and harmed herself.

[–]Thunderbird930 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thats sociological. Principle of least interest. Whoever cares less has the power. Good example of your buddy in action

[–]comu_nacho6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Women that stalk men, maybe? according to this there are types:

1.- The Rejected Stalker—stalking follows the end of a relationship

2.- The Intimacy Seeking Stalker— stalking based on a desire for intimacy

3.- The Incompetent Stalker—stalking with lack of social skills; stalker feels entitled to a relationship

4.- The Resentful Stalker—stalking meant to frighten victims

5.- The Predatory Stalker—stalking in preparation for a sexual attack

It seems to me that 1 and 2 could be female ways of oneitis.

[–]vullnet1234 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

My ex had it for me about 7 months before we got together. When I was younger there were two girls who made a fucking Facebook group about me and tagged me in it lmao. Haven’t had that happen since tho.

[–]Jugurthajones87[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

That’s gotta be a good feeling, bro

[–]vullnet1232 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It was weird, really fucking weird. I’ve had a few weirdos into me but only 1-2 of them were good looking, too bad I was clueless when I was getting all that attention in school lmao.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think it's called being alpha widowed but either way oneitis or that it feels the same. Oneitis = guy can't get the girl or she dumped him but mostly is when guy can't get the girl right?

[–]LingonberryPancakess3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, it’s called love, or limerence to be more precise

[–]dani0981 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Crushes- yes off course they do

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s different. More men fall in love visually than women do. Men can “fall in love” and get oneitis with a girl without knowing much if anything about her.

Women don’t do this often for men, and if they do it’s all for mostly the same man. Women also move on quicker because they have a much better support system and guys ready to court them.

Both can get alpha widowed though. It’s what happens when you get with a guy or girl of significantly higher SMV (2.5+ points).

I’ve had one or two drunken hookups with embarrassing looking or below average chicks that 5 years later STILL reach out after one night.

If you get with women who are genuine 7s or better then most likely not. They have their shit together, surrounded by other high tier men, etc. so unless they get with some celebrity they won’t get alpha widowed, but they will monkey branch

Just watch interviews of ex’s of contestants from the bachelorette. They would take them back in a heart beat

[–]Pockyaf2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’ve seen they would in high school or college. The longer you’re around them and if they’re attracted to you, then yeah they’ll develop an obsession for a guy

Cold approach is the hardest and least efficient way of getting girls. But unless you have look, money or status then being around a girl for some amount of time still wouldn’t be effective anyways

[–]Skinnyboiwithadream0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have a girl (ex-fwb) who has pretty big oneitis with me, it’s certainly possible.

[–]robbiedigital0010 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Women do not get oneitis.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


Yes they do. It feels like misery.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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