How to handle Dating emotionally unavailable women or should I just avoid dating them?

GridReXX · 2019-03-17T18:40:46+00:00

She didn’t like you that much. Don’t confuse passionate sex with passion for you. A woman who likes you wants to hang out with you a little more than once every 2 weeks when she’s horny.

Zero_The-Hero · 2019-03-17T19:24:40+00:00

Oh no, did you date me at 20? I'm serious, there are a lot of pretty pivotal details in here that - ack. Uh. I try not to think about this, because it's kind of embarrassing, as in hindsight I feel that it really wasn't fair to my boyfriend at the time to be so difficult to access, but it really wasn't his fault at all. The breakup was very hard on him, despite the fact that he was the one breaking up with me.

I had a lot going on that I was trying to work through and liked him a lot but... was dealing with stuff, and 45 minutes was a crazy long distance and it was weird to partition my life at school and my life-with-him-in-it. And I'd met this cool guy, and didn't want to turn him down for a relationship, but like, absolutely had no good reason to be in a relationship at that moment. I had just started a new job, several of my best friends were studying abroad so I was in kind of an odd social space, I was in a couple of particularly difficult classes, and it just wasn't the ideal moment to have met someone cool, but I met someone cool, and what are you supposed to do? I agreed to a first date, and then agreed to 'be exclusive'.

As a 22-year-old, now, I think I would have just politely declined and carried on living my life - I mean even now, I'm not in a serious relationship because I know for certain that's not what I want. But people figure out what they want at their own paces, and a 23-year-old woman might well be just as much of a equivocating dumbass about this kind of stuff as I was at 20.

You'll have less trouble with this if you date slightly older women. This is one of the troubles with dating young people in general. Stakes feel lower and relationships feel less permanent for The Youths. It's not healthy to feel like you have to pry someone open like a lobster carcass to get at the sweet emotional connection meat on the inside.

My last boyfriend was pretty much exactly like me in our level of intense Independence, which is to say it was easy to bop over for a weekend and then partition our time together from every other aspect of our lives, since we didn't go to the same school - we both preferred that. If you, as it seems, don't like that setup, you should vet potential partners for their preferences in relationship type, since people who want what you want absolutely do exist. But you can't change an outdoor cat into a golden retriever. No one ends up happy with that.

It may be some comfort to know that a few years from now she may feel moderately guilty and like a bit of a dick.

throwawayemotions34 · 2019-03-17T21:56:25+00:00

Ah avoid. I recently came out of a relationship of almost 2 years where the guy was emotionally unavailable. It's so tiring. Mentally and emotionally exhausting trying to "read" them and add meaning to small things that should cross out the bad things they have shown you. It's sad too, because they don't even realize how mentally entangled you become and let me tell you; it's not good. Most arguments will turn into you explaining yourself then hearing rebuttals of "well, I never asked you to do any of that. It was your choice" when it could simply be acts of you trying to hold the relationship together.

It becomes cold and very lonely. Like, you are always on guard and proving yourself to them so they can finally open up.

One thing about people being emotionally unavailable is that is stems from something much larger than you. So don't think you weren't good enough, not attractive enough, not fun enough. Nothing had to do with you. She would of acted the same with any o t h e r guy. It is something they haven't healed and until they know and acknowledge that they won't be ready for a relationship.

So, my advice. Steer clear. You deserve to be happy! If you have any questions for me, I'm open to sharing with you.

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whatyoucallaflip · 2019-03-17T20:16:59+00:00

My question should I avoid emotionally unavailable women at all cost or at the very least have hookups with them?

Hard to say but reading your post it sounds like the experience messed you up emotionally , which would suggest the best action for you is to avoid them at all costs.

poppy_blu · 2019-03-17T20:06:52+00:00

Being with an emotionally unavailable partner can be a nightmare. 9 times out of 10 they’re that way because of trauma /scars form what they’ve experienced in life. You cant heal that for them. They have to heal themselves. I’ve been in that type of relationship and it can devolve into a shit show. My advice would be to move on and look for an emotionally healthy and mature person.

jax006 · 2019-03-17T20:28:16+00:00

This sounds like a situation I was in rather early when I started dating and it was shit. The signs are pretty obvious so if you see them feel free to keep bangin but gotta detach

verticordia · 2019-03-17T20:41:16+00:00

She sounds like me. She's probably got a lot of shit going on mentally, and y'alls "relationship" or w/e you wanna call it is probably not even registering on her radar.

I do the SAME exact thing as her, guys always ask me if I'm okay or if I wanna be with them because of my body language or whatever and it annoys the fuck out of me. Most of my relationships haven't worked out because the guy tries to read into me too much instead of just listening to what I say.

Advice: try to set emotional boundaries. Maybe she (not just her, women ur with in general) are just going through a rough time. Maybe her dog is in the hospital. Don't try and feel her emotions or anything unless she's trying to connect with you emotionally. Just chill out, remain calm and collected.

rus9384 · 2019-03-17T21:11:34+00:00

Well, anxious+dismissive pair is a quite common one. And I believe this was the one.

But it's not gonna be good for either of you. Honestly, I wish all dismissive people understood (serious) relationships are not their thing.

Elliehol · 2019-03-18T02:11:57+00:00

The only actions you are responsible for are your own, and if you are unhappy with these types of women constantly showing up in your life it is time to make some changes in how and where you meet women, and the sorts of choices you make about who you invest time in.

This advice goes for men on all levels of the dating game, whether that be hooking up, or in relationships to looking to settle down. The point is that even if you are just fucking a girl and nothing more, that is still an investment of your time and if you respect your time you will invest it wisely in the types of women who are enhancing your life, not detracting from it. That is on you, not them. check out this article on finding "good women" https://puttingoutandputtingup.com/2018/11/02/where-did-all-the-nice-girls-go/

blackedoutfast · 2019-03-18T05:49:45+00:00

it's very common for people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles to be drawn to each other even though it usually doesn't go well, like your experience. the best way to become more secure yourself is by being in a good relationship with a person who already has a secure attachment style. you'll feel less anxiety about what's going on with them, which will make you less needy. being with an avoidant person will just boost your anxieties.

also be careful about not confusing love with the emotional intensity and stimulation you get from being with an avoidant person. when you meet someone new, take it slow and make sure that if you start thinking about them a lot and feeling butterflies in your stomach and all that, that it's because you actually like them and it's not just your anxiousness getting triggered

[deleted] · 2019-03-18T07:28:52+00:00

Hi Chad! At least you got something out of it , unlike many men out there.

Zero_The-Hero · 2019-03-19T19:55:41+00:00

You should avoid them, because you aren't wired to handle them. Find you a good girl that wants to have an actual relationship instead of a cold bitch who wants you to be an even colder bastard.

TRP would tell you to learn to be the bastard, but TRP is wrong, because people are incapable of changing.

idhavetocharge · 2019-03-17T20:21:39+00:00

When did this become /r/datingadvice ?

wtffellification · 2019-03-17T20:14:44+00:00

emotionally unavailable, that's still the term?

Title	How to handle Dating emotionally unavailable women or should I just avoid dating them?
Author	Zero_The-Hero
Upvotes	9
Comments	51
Date	March 17, 2019 6:08 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/b280mn/how_to_handle_dating_emotionally_unavailable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-to-handle-dating-emotionally-unavailable-women.256715 https://theredarchive.com/post/256715

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