[for all pills] Why are people faithful?

Reginleifer · 2015-12-20T01:10:22+00:00

People are unfaithful/faithful because of how much they value their word.

Anyone can be attracted, I think that people who say they haven't suffered extramarital attraction are liars. But to not act on that attraction shows a fundamental respect towards marriage, and to your ability to keep a promise.

grendalor · 2015-12-20T00:47:30+00:00

Opportunity, moral background, general level of satisfaction. Mix that up in a bowl, and you get some "likelihood of cheating" coefficient.

[deleted] · 2015-12-20T21:20:02+00:00

[permanently deleted]

buartha · 2015-12-20T01:05:31+00:00

There are quite a few factors at play, and with each couple it could be one thing or many that ultimately determines their fidelity. The big ones that I can think of would be cultural pressure, their needs already being satisfied by their partner, a desire not to hurt their SO, fear of losing the relationship, not being able to find someone as attractive as their partner and a general preference for monogamy.

wtknight · 2015-12-20T02:05:01+00:00

I think the main reason most people don't choose to cheat is because most people don't want to be cheated on themselves. If you respect your partner, then you expect them to respect you, and you wouldn't do something behind their back that would potentially hurt them because you wouldn't want him or her to do something that hurt you. It's the same reason that you don't screw over your friends.

ozymandias271 · 2015-12-20T02:20:53+00:00

From my experience being poly, I think there's considerable variation in how much people want multiple partners. In my case, if I were monogamous, I would continually be falling in love with other people, and wind up either cheating or miserably not cheating (which is hardly better). On the other hand, I know a couple of poly people who got married and eventually became monogamous, simply because every time they were on a date with someone else they were thinking "you know, this person is nice, but I could be spending time with my wife instead." So I expect the people in the latter group have a considerably easier time not cheating.

wombatinaburrow · 2015-12-20T02:46:11+00:00

Because they value their integrity and their word.

wub1234 · 2015-12-20T01:30:03+00:00

Everyone has the capacity to cheat as, on balance, we're probably not naturally monogamous. Everyone has the impulse within them to be violent, or even kill. Everyone has the capacity to engage in numerous 'aberrant' behaviours of varying severity.

People that do not do those things will either enter into a (often subconscious) cost-benefit analysis of the benefits of carrying it out versus not carrying it out, and then make decisions based on that. And a certain proportion of people are to some degree indifferent to the social norms that govern behaviour, or are simply compelled to do so and cannot regulate their behaviour. And in many cases, it's a combination of the two.

Serial killer Dennis Nielsen was once asked the following:

When questioned as to whether he had any remorse for his crimes, Nilsen replied: "I wished I could stop, but I couldn't."

Most people would stop before they had eleven dead bodies stored under their floorboards, but he could not. In many cases, people who are unfaithful just cannot regulate their behaviour.

Xemnas81 · 2015-12-20T02:07:41+00:00

My theory is it's a mix of

Relational equity
return on investment; cost/benefit analysis re: other choice (e.g. women desire commitment>casual sex in general, so giving up commitment with a BB for an AF/AB who might commit, but might not, is a risk-is it one she's willing to take?) Consider asserts: liabilities (primarily children? Property? Social support network? Finances?)
Social constructs of morality, such as guilt, shame, religious concepts of virtue and fidelity, etc.
Primitive incentives to seek comfort of tribal identity (one who accepts your ego, in this instance-and who accepts it more than your SO?)
Possible pseudo-science but oxytocin pair-bonding leading to increased co-dependency, or rather inter-dependency (not extreme unless the reship is toxic, but notable compared to singledom)

czerdec · 2015-12-20T03:16:36+00:00

Lack of options and fear of social punishment. This only applies to the faithful minority. The rest get over that bullshit and have sex when they want like rational people.

stats135 · 2015-12-20T03:33:42+00:00

I find the heart of all these issues is that men have to compete and work harder than women when it comes to anything that involves sex. Whether it be casual or relationship. Higher investment generally leads to higher risk aversion. That is why men are usually more faithful. A man has to spend such an enormous amount of time and money and effort to get himself an average woman. The prospect of spending ever more time and money and effort for the mere possibility of a women that is slightly better sounds absurd. Woman on the otherhand just need to not be old or fat to have options lining up at her doorstep. Usually, no substantial amounts of investment is required. But that does not mean that women dont sometimes invest. An obvious reason will be if she really is fat or old, in which case she has to work for it like a man would. Another is that the man she meets, makes her invest.

There are many ways that women invest in relationships too. An "alpha" ( I use quotations here because I don't want to start an other debate. I'm am simply using it as a placeholder) who has enough available sex to be able to afford to lose some pussy, could (and usually do) request that their women invest in things that he finds important. That way even if another man that is more attractive appears, the women will think twice before jumping ship and risking the current relationship she has invested in.

appencapn · 2015-12-20T04:04:16+00:00

I think a lot of it comes down to how satisfied you are by your partner and are you still at that deep love stage. I was reading an article where it said women who spend considerable amounts of time with their husbands and are in fact seem to have their whole lives tied to them often cheat. Why? Because they begin to have a biological repugnance to the husband, much the same as they would to a sibling or parent. Eh maybe some of this TRP bio shit is true to.

cats_or_get_out · 2015-12-20T08:00:14+00:00

There are a lot of reasons not to cheat, I know what kept me faithful. I believe cheating is wrong, I implicitly gave my word not to cheat when I entered relationships, I value honesty in close relationships, I wouldn't want to hurt an SO (you can never guarantee they won't find out), casual sex is fun but my relationships were meaningful.

Others: religion, social consequences of being found out, fear of being left if the other found out, too much effort for too little reward, not much interest in casual sex, self discipline.

Self discipline is one of the kickers, if they tend to indulge in all areas of life despite professing not to want to at the cost of the future they want then that might not carry over well to fidelity.

wazzup987 · 2015-12-20T09:48:31+00:00

Because its wrogn to violate some ones trust. if you want an open relationship just ask, if you dont and just want to fuck other people then end the relationship.

cats_or_get_out · 2015-12-20T11:09:08+00:00

I think it has to do with genetics. And people with the 'risk' or 'adventure' gene are more likely to cheat.

cats_or_get_out · 2015-12-20T15:43:50+00:00

I could easily cheat/have cheated but choose not to.

It might not make sense to many people, but I believe there is value in irrational behaviours such as an fanatical loyalty to those you love.

PoopInMyBottom · 2015-12-20T01:55:46+00:00

A lot of people value not feeling guilty over the pleasure of acting on desire. Guilt is a heuristic, so people don't stop feeling it when there's a 100% chance of not being caught.

Broadly, as far as I can tell there are three reasons people don't cheat:

Fear of their SO finding out.
Aversion to guilt.
Religion

2 & 3 are the only ones you can really rely on, and even then they are fragile.

I also think there's one last reason, which is to do with general self-control. Some people take pride in exercising self-control for the sake of practice. They don't ever break their word or give into temptation in order to increase their willpower over time. I think that's the most reliable one. people who value integrity because they want to enhance their Reliability have a very good reason not to cheat which has nothing to do with you as a partner. I think people like that are rare though.

Title	[for all pills] Why are people faithful?
Author	cats_or_get_out
Upvotes	5
Comments	61
Date	December 20, 2015 12:24 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3xivw5/for_all_pills_why_are_people_faithful/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/for-all-pills-why-are-people-faithful.277718 https://theredarchive.com/post/277718

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