Disclosing sterility

cuittler · 2014-06-12T01:41:58+00:00

It seems odd to hide it, is there a good reason for doing so?

I can think some very specific situations where it might be an ethical issue, although I don't think they're super likely to happen.

1, Your girlfriend's period doesn't come on time, not due to cuckolding you, but maybe stress causes a late period. But while she's waiting and worrying she might be pregnant, you keep the info to yourself and let her suffer through it. Not a huge crime, but doing so seems a bit cruel.

2, Your girlfriend is taking hormonal bc specifically to avoid pregnancy, and wouldn't otherwise be taking it if she knew there was no need. There is a small risk that grows as you get older of blood clots, as well as just generally messing with your bodies hormones that comes from HBC use, never mind all the small complaints it can cause (weight loss/gain, headaches, mood swings, low to no sex drive, depression, acne, spotting) that are just annoying to put up with. Many women have no problem, but some are not so lucky with HBC. Supposing HBC causes her to suffer from any of those issues, letting her continue to use it when there is no need seems unethical.

mrsamsa · 2014-06-12T05:29:37+00:00

Besides the situations described by /u/cuittler I don't think it's unethical but I would question how solid the relationship is.

I don't understand what reason someone would have for withholding information like that so it just makes it sound suspicious rather than it simply being an odd hypothetical.

yasee · 2014-06-12T03:14:47+00:00

Doesn't seem unethical, no. If the relationship continued I would expect that info to be shared at some point though.

rulenumber303 · 2014-06-12T14:14:09+00:00

Another angle on the problem is would you be upset if you were fertile and she was sterile (maybe she has had Essure) and didn't tell you, let you do things like go out of your way sexually to avoid getting sperm in/near her vagina, stress out over her cycle, feel burdened with risk if she didn't want to be on oral contraceptives, and worry that she might change her mind and run off to have kids with another guy when she's thirtyish?

If you'd be upset, then the reasons you'd be upset might be relevant.

Yonderlander · 2014-06-12T14:53:11+00:00

Birth control is an almighty pain in the ass, so surely he wouldnt want to use condoms or make her ingest synthetic hormones if there was no need?

Archwinger · 2014-06-12T21:38:53+00:00

If you're in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone, and you have any kind of sexual dysfunction, including sterility, you should disclose it. It's obviously not first date material, but if you've reached the point where you're discussing future children, and the woman says that, like you, she doesn't want any, the proper response is, "That's good. I'm actually not able to have children."

The only reason a man would deliberately conceal this "irrelevant" information is because he doesn't trust the woman for one of three reasons:

He thinks that even though she's in a committed monogamous relationship with him, she's shallow and even though she allegedly doesn't want kids, she doesn't want to date a guy with fertility problems and will be turned off by him in the future.
He thinks that even though she says she doesn't want kids, she's lying and/or doesn't know herself that well and will want them in the future.
He doesn't trust her fidelity and is hoping to catch her cheating (and trying to manipulate him into the next steps via pregnancy), then pull out the sterility card while laughing at her cheating ass then posting the story on the internet. He's afraid that disclosing his sterility would help her get away with cheating.

All of that's petty. While there are a lot of good reasons to avoid serious, committed, monogamous relationships entirely, if a man is serious about a woman and being in a relationship with her, honesty is important. A man who's in a relationship should be in the relationship, not keeping his cards close to his vest and holding back something he may need to play later if things go south. If you have to keep a secret weapon in your back pocket, you shouldn't bother with the relationship in general. The only weapon you need is: "If you fuck with me, I'm gone. I'm confident enough in my worth that I'm not going to dick around with bullshit."

southwer · 2014-06-12T14:04:57+00:00

hmm. this is a good question. Honestly, even if neither wants children, if you are embarking on a serious relationship that info is eventually going to come out and hiding it will look weird. it will cause distrust where there doesn't need to be any. It's also not out of the realm of possibility that one or both of you changes your mind about wanting kids.

RobotPartsCorp · 2014-06-12T14:32:45+00:00

This is interesting as I feel like my situation is somewhat similar to the scenario except I am a woman and there is a slight chance I could get pregnant therefore I have an IUD. Mostly though? I do not want children. I could not be with a man who wanted biological children because I do not want children but also because even if I did change my mind (which I would not) the chances of me getting pregnant is pretty small. I have never once in my life had a pregnancy scare and I admit to somewhat "not perfect" birth control usage.

If I am seeing someone and it is serious by that point while we havn't talked about having or not having kids ourselves, we will have talked about if either of us even likes kids or wants to have kids. If he says he wants kids, I might make it known that I do not want kids and so we might decide to go our separate ways. That has happened before, I was with a guy who wanted kids and I did not, and we broke up because of it. Makes sense, its a big dealbreaker!

Now, in your scenario, the guy doesn't want kids and has made it known to the girlfriend. I don't think his medical condition matters because even if he was not sterile, he still wouldn't want kids. I don't think he should bend over backwards to hide a medical condition because when you are in a partnership, you should be open about everything, I am not sure why he wouldn't say he is sterile. Why would he not mention it when they were having the conversation about kids? Thats how I would bring it up... "I don't want kids, and I don't think I could even have kids if I wanted, but I don't want to so it doesn't matter" is pretty much word for word what I have said to boyfriends.

If he is hiding the medication condition despite ample opportunity to mention it, I would wonder if he is hiding that because he doesn't trust me, and if he doesn't trust me or take me at my word that I do not want kids, there is something wrong with the relationship.

myfriendscantknow · 2014-06-12T18:25:43+00:00

No red pill answers? Shame, I was curious.

[deleted] · 2014-06-12T21:35:32+00:00

If both partners don't want children what's the point of covering it up in the first place?

Not 100% relevant but I never want kids but I make this clear whenever I'm in a relationship. If the girl I'm with says she'd keep the kid if she accidentally got pregnant or something I'd nope right the fuck out of there. Not worth it.

fiat_lux_ · 2014-06-12T02:36:37+00:00

Man is sterile. He does not disclose this fact to woman. Is this unethical? Why or why not?

Haven't given it much thought. It would be much easier to say if the man was asked by the woman and then lied about it.

GaiusScaevolus · 2014-06-13T05:37:36+00:00

No. It does not alter their agreed upon plan.

If they expressly agreed to try to have children and he didn't mention it, that's unethical.

[deleted] · 2014-06-15T03:05:47+00:00

Let's flip this. I had a tubal ligation, which means my tubes were completely removed, not tied or cut, completely removed. I had 3 kids and simply didn't want more. Then the bio dad of the 3 kids left. When I was dating again I was always up front that I could never produce another baby. I ended up married to a really great man, but what if I hadn't been honest? What if he was waiting around for me to get pregnant thinking there was something wrong with him?

[deleted] · 2014-06-13T17:53:41+00:00

Well according to the majority of BP, lying by omission is A-okay.

Title	Disclosing sterility
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	3
Comments	26
Date	June 12, 2014 1:26 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/27xevn/disclosing_sterility/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/disclosing-sterility.285509 https://theredarchive.com/post/285509

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