I'm falling in love with a girl, and this shit is getting hard. Fuck me.

mrsamsa · 2013-11-06T02:39:55+00:00

I can't help but think, after what I just wrote, "GOD WHAT A BETA". It's ingrained at this point. I don't want it to be. Honestly, I don't know if it's because I've met someone who is worth it and I need to get over my pre-conceived notions of what that will entail, or I've met someone who I find amazing and I need a slap in the face to remind me that amazing does not mean special.

I hope some red pillers come in here to dispel some myths about them being misogynists by telling you that it obviously doesn't matter how much sex the woman has had or how old she is, to help you overcome the conflict you're experiencing.

My best shot at helping you would be to look at how you're defining "alpha" behavior. To me, this has been one of my biggest hangups with TRP because what they describe as "alpha" seems to be the most insecure, pathetic person I can imagine. He's the person threatened by the number of partners a woman has had or her age, the person who fears accepting their feelings of commitment to a woman and following through with them, running to the internet to ask if this behavior is okay or if they should do something else instead, etc etc.

To me, being "alpha" is being strong and confident enough to make decisions that make you happy, regardless of what any ideology or community believes. If people want to tell you that a woman is trying to "trick" you into a monogamous relationship, an alpha would tell them to stop being such pathetic betas.

The only valuable claim that comes from TRP (in my opinion) is the idea that a person should not be walked all over in a relationship. If a person is pressuring you to do things you don't want to do, then stand up for yourself. Sometimes relationships do require compromise (from both parties) but this compromise should be on your own terms and they shouldn't be dictated by others.

But if you aren't being pressured to do something you don't want to do, and you're happy with your choices, and you want to do more of it - well then, you're alpha as fuck. If you want to grow a beard or wear a pink frilly dress, fuck 3 girls at once or have a woman shove a dildo up your ass, be the dominant macho man or the submissive man who follows the orders of your partner, then as long as these are all choices that you have made for yourself, then you are alpha as fuck.

Any attempt by sniveling betas to tell you that your choices aren't alpha because you didn't double check with people on the internet first, or because they personally don't like the choices you've made, should be met with fierce resistance from an alpha. Fuck them.

If their understanding of 'what is alpha' is determined by some sad abusive asshole who writes a blog about his ignorance of evolutionary psychology, then what the fuck would they actually know about being alpha? TRP is described as being like a how-to guide for the basics of human interaction for people it doesn't come naturally to. If you've established yourself in a happy relationship and you are content with the decisions you've made, then TRP has outgrown it's entire possible usefulness to you.

At this point you are Neo kicking Morpheus' ass in the sparring match.

IRScientist · 2013-11-06T03:37:56+00:00

Holy shit I was just reading the thread where you were asking TRP for advice. My immediate reaction was: this guy needs to clear his head for a week. Seriously, take a week off of gender politics. It's just--visceral is the only way I can think to describe it. There's something about it that goes straight to the guts. And honestly, this is ridiculous:

Well she's not really respecting your decisions isn't she? You tell her you are not comfortable with her going dressed as catwimen to a party. She brushes it off like it was her decision alone to make.

Look, I don't know if you believe this shit (I'm guessing you don't) but you're still exposing yourself to a bunch of people who really think that you get to tell your brand new girlfriend what to wear and what to do. You're reading that shit, and it's going to affect how you think. No TRP, TBP, Roosh, Jezebel, MR, feminism. Take a break! Read a book! Clear your head, and think about what you want.

Bonig · 2013-11-06T11:34:04+00:00

If I get you right you are unsure which of the two outcomes that TRP acknowledges you should choose: either you become "beta" and have yourself screwed over by her, or you become "alpha" by screwing her over.

TRP gives advice from the perspective of frustrated men who suffered from the first type of a relationship. They don't know what it means to have a healthy relationship. Because they think that a relationship must be somehow abusive, they choose to be the abuser instead of being abused. While this certainly helps them not suffer any more, it won't end the overall amount of abuse.

You are now in the position to change your attitude towards relationships completely. It is your choice to refrain from applying abusive techniques.

But Bonig, how can I make sure she will do the same for us? - Well, there's nothing you can do but trust her and talk to her. Talk about your fears and anxieties. Tell her which amount of commitment you are prepared to bring into your relationship. She wants marriage and kids, but you don't? You have to talk about this! You wrote about "how she is into us". This can be a good sign. Learn more about it by taking to her and ask her what her desires are. You can't change her but you can learn about the two of you and evaluate whether your plans fit. In the meanwhile enjoy the sex and most importantly, harmony and intimacy.

Tl;dr: a healthy relationship doesn't work when you have to ask yourself who's going to screw over next. Instead, talk to each other.

Archipelagi · 2013-11-06T04:14:11+00:00

Don't let some internet pickup philosophy interfere with your shot at a meaningful relationship with an equal.

Also, don't confuse early-relationship-jitters for being anything more significant. This isn't psychological warfare.

IRScientist · 2013-11-06T03:21:58+00:00

Yeah, shit's hard. That's the god awful truth about life and love. Caring about someone that much, and knowing that it could go to shit--because things do--is hard. I'm happily married. That doesn't mean I'm going to stay happily married.

Look, it's your life. You're not a beta, or an alpha, you're a guy in love who's a little scared because love is fucking scary. It's up to you whether you take the risk to stay with her (and honestly, I suggest you live dangerously). You know--our feelings are something that can be all over the place. Seriously, it happens. We get to choose which ones to focus on. If you want to stay with her, you know which ones to are important (that you deserve her, that she's into you). But don't forget that like anything in life worth something, relationships will at times be hard.

CFRProflcopter · 2013-11-06T03:39:25+00:00

Everyone is different and everyone wants different things. If you and your girlfriend both want a relationship, then what's the problem? Don't worry about being alpha or beta, just be confident in yourself. Everyone likes confidence.

Know that there are different types of relationships and that there's no single route to happiness. Some people find happiness in traditional marriages with traditional gender roles. Some people find happiness in "modern" relationships with more overlap.

Just make sure you and your girlfriend are on the same page, and make sure you know what you're both getting out of the relationship. As long as you both still want what your getting, and as long as you both give each other what you both expect, then the relationship will have no reason to end.

angatar_ · 2013-11-06T02:24:40+00:00

Congratulations. Whatever you do I hope it works out for the both of you.

[deleted] · 2013-11-06T05:13:53+00:00

I think that you need to take a break from all the things spinning around in your head and just enjoy what you have. It sounds like you're happy with her and you want to remain happy with her but you have this paranoia that it will go wrong. This is not exclusive to someone who gets into RP, I think a lot of people feel this way in relationships. I am constantly second guessing my relationship and I do this:

I simaltaneously feel too good for her and not good enough to kiss her shoes.

all the time. You just get it in your head that every good thing that comes along will eventually turn bad, right? Well be wary, because that can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I advise you to relax and just enjoy what you have. But I know that's easier said than done.

redpillhead · 2013-11-07T04:11:22+00:00

Do what makes you happy. Take what works for you. I don't agree with everything on the redpill. I doubt anyone does. It is okay to make your own decisions.

My personal opinion is I doubt the relationship will last. Before you all down vote me please hear me out. You said you don't feel worthy to kiss her shoes. That is not a healthy place to enter into a relationship from. That lack of confidence will seep through and make you act insecure. Insecure behavior can quickly destroy a relationship.

I think before you date someone else you first need I be comfortable in your own skin. Otherwise you will be unloading that baggage onto your new GF.

kittenscats · 2013-11-07T18:46:20+00:00

Look. I'm going to be blunt here. Some of the things that redpill preaches are spot on:

respect yourself and others will respect you
improve yourself and women will find you more attractive (that's true in reverse too)
health is important
only you are in charge of your own happiness

But. That's about all. They use these facts as their stilts and then drown the rest of the town in misogyny, bitterness, anger, and abuse.

I won't say there isn't a stigma and numerous hardships for men in the dating world (and in general) but that can be said of both sides. The key is to stop looking at gender and instead see everyone as the individual that they are. Everyone is different, but everyone shares their woes, because everyone has them.

Please don't let this mindset destroy this relationship.

Virginity and "purity" isn't what makes a woman valuable. Her integrity, care, happiness, and heart are what make her valuable.

Her youth doesn't make her valuable, and her age doesn't mean she "squandered her good years on someone else". She's her own person with her own life and you weren't always a part of it. Pretending that her past relationships and experiences mean that she was "disloyal" to you is a poisonous, hurtful outlook, and if it's what you go by, you'll never be happy (look at all the bitter whiny assholes all over redpill claiming that very thing; do they sound happy to you?).

And throw out that feeling that she's tricked you into anything. She hasn't. You like her and want to be loyal and dedicated. Tell me, truly, what's bad about that?

Relationships aren't about who can have the upper hand, they're about care and respect and mutual trust; understanding each other and being honest and loyal. Redpill is only giving you two options,

be fucked by her or
fuck her over first

That's not a healthy relationship.

Those aren't your only two options. Redpill is bitter men who have experienced being fucked over and in their minds, that's the only outcome. It's understandable that they would want to avoid that, but by being the ones to hurt first instead, they are only perpetuating the cycle of pain and abuse.

Be the person you want to see reflected back to you. I can't promise that it will work out, but being a good man will always beat out being an immature fuckhead who can't see past his own inhibitions. Relationships are scary, but you don't have to be in them alone.

Good luck!

alphabetmod · 2013-11-06T02:54:27+00:00

Dude, TRP is what you make of it. There is some shit there that absolutely pisses me off and some users are indefensible. Does that mean they aren't getting what they want?(Plates, ONS, tons of casual sex) No, they probably are getting those things. And if that's what they want, and that's what the chicks they're with want then good for them.

You need to ask yourself what you want. First off read the following. http://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/1k9byv/have_any_of_you_been_involved_in_the_red_pill/cbmq897

I just said "relationship". I agreed to be her boyfriend, so yes, I am in a relationship, and several of my friends are estatic for me.

If your friends are sincere and they don't put women on a pedestal, and they like your girl, chances are you might be doing something right.

I do shut down when I'm with her and I start obsessing over her ex or something.

You might be feeling "beta" or in other words like maybe you don't deserve her? because you're over thinking stupid things like her ex. Is she with her ex or is she with you. I can guarantee you one thing, if she picks up on the fact that you're being insecure over an ex of hers that's out of the picture nothing good will come from that.

I simaltaneously feel too good for her and not good enough to kiss her shoes.

I need to know why you feel this way in both regards. What makes you think you are too good for her? What makes you think you should EVER be kissing ANYONE'S shoes?

I simultaneously hate her for wanting to trick me into wanting to be just hers and love her for how into "us" she is.

Again, what do YOU want. A LTR or do you want to "spin plates?" FWB in other words for those of you that don't like that analogy.

But the word freaks me out. I asked TRP what to do, they were not very supportive (she's older, has had some sex, wants to get married, etc - I know these things, I don't mind them because she's amazing) and I just keep hearing what they said in my head, over and over.

Why do the words freak you out. Because of what some strangers on the internet say? If you're worried about being "alpha" that's not the way. I think you're taking some of TRP stuff in before understanding it correctly.

Can you post the link to TRP post, it might shed some more insight on what's going on.

I am in what you would consider a "redpill" relationship and my SO is a year and half older than me. What do you mean by "she's older"?

Lastly

That said, there are some core beliefs I've picked up from the Red Pill the last year I've been really following it, and it's getting hard to reconcile them with my current relationship, and it's frustrating.

What are the core beliefs that you can't seem to reconcile within your relationship?

[deleted] · 2013-11-06T13:37:42+00:00

[permanently deleted]

[deleted] · 2013-11-10T00:06:19+00:00

I just said "relationship". I agreed to be her boyfriend, so yes, I am in a relationship, and several of my friends are estatic for me. Half of my heart is estatic as well. But the word freaks me out.

In a way, that's the way it's supposed to be. It's wonderful to start a new relationship with someone you think may be compatible with you, but relationships take a lot of work. Also, people can change over time, and that initial rush from falling in love can fall victim to both routine or sudden changes in circumstances.

I asked TRP what to do, they were not very supportive (she's older, has had some sex, wants to get married, etc - I know these things, I don't mind them because she's amazing) and I just keep hearing what they said in my head, over and over.

They're reminding you of trends in the way older women approach relationships, the way more sexually experienced women approach relationships, the way marriage-focused women can change pre- and post-marriage, etc. There have been discussions on what thoughts and behaviors to watch out for; but, ultimately, no demographical features can assure you of a risk-free relationship and marriage. It's a risk - there are very few if any Disney-like endings in life.

I simaltaneously feel too good for her and not good enough to kiss her shoes.

This is dangerous thinking. As good as she may be, you should not feel that inferior to another human being. You can admire her strengths, but not at the cost of your confidence. That comment belies a lack of self-esteem, which you should definitely work on as it can be a major turn off to your girlfriend.

I simultaneously hate her for wanting to trick me into wanting to be just hers and love her for how into "us" she is.

That doesn't have to be a trick. If you're looking for the standard RP insight into your comment, it would be to remind you that her emotions toward you and your relationship can suddenly change. Again, maintaining a strong and fulfilling relationship takes a lot of work.

I think I've been really good about keeping my feelings at bay because she's referred to me as "distant" a few times, but never has said I act angry or sad or anything negative.

That's still no good. RP is definitely not about being an emotionless husk of a person. You can have emotions, but you should show her that you are under control. Otherwise, she'll feel less comfortable opening up to you about insecurities she feels about herself and the relationship. She needs you to be strong enough to deal with both your own emotions and hers. This, more than anything she may do, is really threatening your relationship. I speak from person experience.

I do shut down when I'm with her and I start obsessing over her ex or something.

Unacceptable. You do have lingering confidence issues and shutting down drastically compounds the damage it will do to your relationship. You really need to find some way to work these issues out. It's why RP advocates focusing on yourself and building hobbies and friendships after a soul-crushing breakup. It re-establishes a strong identity.

If this girl decides to break up with you (almost certain that she'll cite communication issues as the main factor), it wasn't because of her being a branch-swinging opportunist. I wouldn't want you to misinterpret the causes for the difficulty you might have in the relationship.

This last bit might not apply to your situation, but there are certain women out there that initially enjoy the role of being nurturing toward a "tortured soul" and relish the opportunity to help them change for the better. If this is the case, such women respond differently to men who ultimately pull themselves together. If you start on that path as well, just keep in mind that this might be one of the dynamics that initially drove your relationship.

alphabetmod · 2013-11-06T03:00:55+00:00

I'd also like to add - go ahead and X-post this to /r/redpillwomen if they are ok with that. You will get better advice on LTRs there than TRP.

skinisblackmetallic · 2013-11-06T18:50:04+00:00

Enjoy amazing but... it's not "special".

Title	I'm falling in love with a girl, and this shit is getting hard. Fuck me.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	3
Comments	64
Date	November 6, 2013 2:13 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1pzwb5/im_falling_in_love_with_a_girl_and_this_shit_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/im-falling-in-love-with-a-girl-and-this-shit-is.286650 https://theredarchive.com/post/286650

Comments