FIRST, I'm Christian woman (living in sin) with Biblical beliefs on authority.

So..... I (31) am failing to submit to my man (36). I'm wondering if it is because I am technically not his legal wife and thats messing with my mind, like maybe I am subconsciously not submissive to his authority because its not 'official'

(Back story on that) He is common law married to another woman, they have not spoken in 6 years or so, she is lets just say a drug addicted mess. With her he had 2 kids, now 11 and 13 in the care of their maternal Gma. Gma is not pursuing for child support at this time. Legal council advised him to hold off on the divorce and OUR marrige because to divorce will put him in the spotlight of the state and child support WILL be collected, and we can not afford it at this time. We have a 2 month old baby toghther, just getting on our feet, etc.

So I am ok with that, but not ok with that.

He introduces me as his wife, he speaks of me to others as his wife, we both wear rings, in my heart he is my husband, but in reality he is married to someone else. I think that eats away at me subconsciously.

I find it more difficult to refer to him as my husband out loud, because regardless of what it feels like, thats just not what it truthfully IS right now.

I feel a need to explain our situation to others, and he just simply calls me his wife.

UGH!

Anyway.

He is the perfect man for me. He is the ideal alpha male, I totally trust him as my leader in all areas. I desire to submit.

Submitting, unfortunately is a conscious effort, and unnecessary rebellion comes so naturally I hardly notice it. He does though, and its becoming more frequent and increasingly odious to him, and its a total turn off for him. He voices this, and I feel like total shit, like an irritant to him.

It is causing discord in our relationship.

I want to change. I know that I'm the problem here.

We had a long conversation regarding this the other night, that it's not so much individual isolated events of stubbornness or rebellion, but rather a POSITION of the heart.

I am an alpha female, and a natural leader, etc etc you all have heard this tune.

I am trying to figure out what my problem is. Do I need the official title of wife? Is that just a copout? Is it an insecurity? Am I unsubmissive due to fear or abandonment? The incessant need to be in control? Is it because I am not walking right with God?

Any thoughts?

Thank you ladies.

I have been reading a lot on this subreddit and making small changes here and there, in order to become everything he wants and needs.