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Differentiating between shit test and comfort test with a depressed wife.

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October 10, 2019
11 upvotes

Hello all. Throwaway since wife knows my main. My wife has a history of depression, which has been well controlled for about 90% of our time together and our relationship has been mostly smooth sailing. She adds a lot of value to my life and generally treats me like a king.

For the past month, she's entered a very depressed state. She has talked about potentially starting medication (which she used to take over a decade ago before we met) and I've given her praise for recognizing she has an issue that she may not be able to deal with on her own.

This morning we were having a conversation and she was in a pretty low state and stressed about having to work an afternoon shift. I told her that she seems burnt out and that she should take a personal day and her and I can go out and have some fun. She responded saying that she "can't do that" and "work needs her and it would be too soon of notice." I held my tongue and didn't argue back and just said "alright." and left it at that. She then went on getting upset about how she's been exercising and eating right and that no matter what she tries she hasn't been able to beat her current state of mind and that she stays up until 4am unable to sleep from the anxiety/depression. I responded by saying that if she's having a hard time, she's welcome to wake me up and that I'm there for her if she needs to talk. She then began saying she won't do that, and how "everyone says they're there for me and it doesn't make one bit of difference, and nothing you can do can help, so there's no point" NOTE: She said this last part in a lashing out kind of way with some anger and annoyance in her voice.

I responded by saying "All I'm trying to do is help and be there for you, and you're just giving me back attitude so I'm just gonna leave." I said this very calmly, but sternly without letting her comment get to me and maintaining frame. I then collected my things and went out the door to go to work without saying another word.

I'm fairly new to the redpill (sort of, I actually discovered it about 8 years ago and kind of internalized a fair amount of what I learned, which I think is what has led to a mostly successful relationship with this woman), so I want to know what you gents think about how I handled this situation. Was this a shit test? Or a comfort test disguised as a shit test? It's getting increasingly hard to differentiate between them in her current state. It's also tough because in general she is a very sweet and submissive wife.

All feedback is welcome. Please feel free to rip me a new one if you think that's appropriate. Criticism is welcome.

For reference, I would (being as objective as possible) say that my SMV is about an 8.5-9 and hers is about a 7-7.5. I've read all sidebar material but I find it hard to apply to situations when dealing with a depressed wife. I'm very much a "fixer" but I've been trying to take a more be the oak/supportive approach rather than trying to solve this depression problem for her, since I know this isn't something I'm capable of fixing and don't want to foster codependency.


Post Information
Title Differentiating between shit test and comfort test with a depressed wife.
Author mynewthrowaway1990
Upvotes 11
Comments 32
Date 10 October 2019 05:46 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/289672
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/dg1mf7/differentiating_between_shit_test_and_comfort/
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Comments

[–]helaughsinhidden8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

Sometimes it's not a test, it's genuine communication.

This might be that, being frustrated about mental health. Being the "fixer" you admit, you've probably offered a lot of suggestions in the past, so that's what she would expect you to do again. Now that you realize that's not what women want or need, but the listener, the oak, it's still going to take her a while to adjust to this new response from you and to trust you aren't going to judge the situation, analyze the problem, and spit out a solution for her. Some comfort and reassurance could be helpful instead of removing your presence. "How about I just listen, no solutions this time?" "Tell me what's bothering you over a cup of coffee". Then listen to her with some "Oh, I see" and "that must have made you feel xxxxxxxx" and take a guess as to what feelings people have nowadays. Then, instead of saying "Maybe you SHOULD...." you just ask her "what do you think you should do about it". Don't take responsibility for her feelings, coach her to be proactive in her own mental health.

Medications

My wife is taking some for the same things. Her anxiety is down considerably which is good, I don't have to hear about all these irrational fears everyday which is nice. However, DREAD requires a certain healthy level of natural anxiety to be effective, so keep in mind that all the things you are used to doing to keep that level of dread aren't going to be quite as effective anymore. Those pills literally are designed to make her NGAF as much and that will apply to you too. Also, SSRI's will lower her libido and make it more difficult to reach an orgasm. For my wife that means she initiates once a month rather than once a week now and takes her closer to 10 minutes to get there instead of 5-7 as is her norm.

[–]mynewthrowaway1990[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

How would you have responded to the contemptuous attitude though? And how would you suggest I move forward? Wait for her to communicate again? Bring up the situation? Do a reset tomorrow morning? Kinda in the woods here on this one.

[–]helaughsinhidden1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

contemptuous attitude

I see where you are coming from, her tone makes all the difference reading those words. Even though she was giving you attitude your response in the moment was still DEERing as you got defensive of your feelz and explained what you were doing. I mean, if it was really bad, just leave the room and say nothing, reset by going to the gym, work on a project, or grab a book and come back in 30 minutes and show exactly zero butt hurt.

Your mindset has to be like you aren't going to tolerate being in her presence like that but you aren't hurt or mad, so you don't need to scold or correct her. Just leave and come back after she's cooled off and ask if she's ready to finish the talk. Your wife WANTS for your attention and time, all you need to do is remove it temporarily and let her make the adjustment. Women do have extremely short term memories unlike men. This means they will forget years of loyalty in a moment, but also forget an entire week of fighting just as fast. Making corrections doesn't take as much time as it does for guys.

If it is a little less disrespectful and just a bit bitchy or whiny, you can agree/amplify and in this case, just make a joke like; say "your right, if I listen it's probably just make it all worse". Then laugh and say "what's really going on?". You can also just repeat yourself in the exact same tonality "I'm there for her if she needs to talk" then wait for her to say the next thing.

Just remember that you don't have to be offended or angry by any of this. Her feelings are not your fault or responsibility to fix.

[–]2ndalRed Beret4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

quit trying to fix her problems

you say you know you're a fixer and that you're trying to be supportive, but it sounds like you don't know that you're still being a fixer when you offer solutions to her emotional state.

examples of your solutions:

I responded by saying that if she's having a hard time, she's welcome to wake me up

and

I told her that she seems burnt out and that she should take a personal day

and then you got upset at her for not acting on your solutions. no wonder she's a basket case

STOP TRYING TO FIX HER, MAN

just listen to her. ask her questions. it's okay to play the girlfriend every once in a while. tell her that sucks, that it must be hard. give her a silent hug. and then move on and focus on bringing fun and joy into your lives in natural ways by being fun and interesting and joyful despite her emotional state. that is what it means to be the rock/oak.

[–]mynewthrowaway1990[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I agree with you , but to be fair I wasn't upset that she didnt take my solutions, I didn't appreciate the atittude and contempt in the way she spoke to me. Do I just not call that out and let it fly because of her current state of mind?

[–]2ndalRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

look, man, you're missing the point.

you are upset that she didn't respect you by not following your advice and by the way she spoke to you.

whatever the reason, you are letting her emotions dictate your own emotions and actions. why are you giving her that power? why would you give ANYONE that power?

you are giving her the agency to fuck with you. is that her fault? no, that is your fault for giving up the only thing you REALLY have control over in this life: your agency to act on your on accord.

YOU are the one that decides how to act and react, not her, not anyone. and right now YOU are deciding to give HER the power to make you upset. this is called LOSING FRAME

you are giving her that power by letting her actions (not taking your advice) and emotions (lashing out at you with contempt and attitude) dictate your own actions (sternly talking down to her like you're her dad) and emotions (being upset).

you have to realize this is on YOU, not her.

it's real easy in concept but real hard in practice. holding frame means not giving up that power, by looking at her emotions and actions as interesting little things that happen in this world, things to take note of and learn from.

instead you're latching on to her emotions and actions and attaching your own sense of self to them. you are letting them make you weaker, because you are not a strong man - yet.

[–]mynewthrowaway1990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you. I think your comment really clarified things for me and where i'm falling short.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy

She then went on getting upset about how she's been exercising and eating right and that no matter what she tries she hasn't been able to beat her current state of mind and that she stays up until 4am unable to sleep from the anxiety/depression. I responded by saying that if she's having a hard time, she's welcome to wake me up and that I'm there for her if she needs to talk. She then began saying she won't do that, and how "everyone says they're there for me and it doesn't make one bit of difference, and nothing you can do can help, so there's no point" NOTE: She said this last part in a lashing out kind of way with some anger and annoyance in her voice.

Why do Nice Guy faggots always try to fix things, and then get butthurt when their help is rejected?

Just say "that sounds really hard" with sympathy and move on. It's not about the nail, and it's not about you. Stop assuming it's about you, or making it about you; that's the Nice Guy beta faggot in you stepping into her imagined frame and then reacting to your false projection onto her of your own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy about yourself.

[–]mynewthrowaway1990[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I see what you mean. What would be the appropriate response to the fact she was speaking to me with contempt? I thought the response I gave and walking away seemed best, but what would you say is the appropriate response to such behavior?

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Just as you can't negotiate attraction, you also can't negotiate respect. Attempting to do so by calling it out and demanding something you can't enforce just shows that you're not worthy of respect... particularly when you're demanding a courteous response to irritating beta behavior.

You earn respect by being a valuable man who

  • provides value to people and missions he cares about,

  • who knows his worth and doesn't give his time and energy when and where it's not valued,

  • and whose value is made apparent by the respect others give him and their desire for his time and attention.

In which of these did you fail? (Hint: All of the above is one of your choices.)

Edit: and once you understand this, you should be able to work out why the answer I gave you remains the correct answer to your question.

[–]so_woke_da_wookie0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I needed this.

[–]EasyDaysHardNights-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

that's the Nice Guy beta faggot in you stepping into her imagined frame and then reacting to your false projection onto her of your own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy about yourself.

Spoiler alert. Plot line to the Christopher Nolan movie 'Inception'

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is exactly where you fucked up:

I responded by saying "All I'm trying to do is help and be there for you, and you're just giving me back attitude so I'm just gonna leave."

Should have STFU and provided a little comfort. Quit talking and give her a simple fucking hug

I’d categorize this as a comfort test. However, once you went into faggot mode here, you failed a shit test that didn’t previously exist.

Quit overthink it.

Oh, and what are your lifts, height, and weight.... and sidebar Don’t leave that shit out.

[–]redwall928 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy

I would (being as objective as possible) say that my SMV is about an 8.5-9

Had a post about BS bodyfat %'s reports recently. Maybe we need one on SMV reports, too.

SMV 9's don't waste time dealing with depressed women.

[–]mynewthrowaway1990[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

5'10. 182 lb. 11.3% bodyfat measured professionally. Bench: 225, squat 285 (working on it), DL: 315.

And this isn't about me "dealing with" her depression, it's about me differentiating between a comfort and shit test. I see zero reason to walk away from a marriage that has been great for 90%+ of the time with a submissive and giving woman.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yep.

[–]FoxShitNasty831 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I dont see his lifts... he lifts right. He has to lift!! He is nearly a 9! Fucking hell he just needs a horn and he will be a Male unicorn!

[–]hack3geRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Faggots don’t lift they just say they are 9s.

It’s likely his wife is a 6 and he’s actually more like a 4-4.5 and she’s depressed because she’s with some faggot ass bitch who dries up her snatch with his desire to talk about their feelings.

Ever notice how fucking boring the faggots on here are that have depressed wives? My wife doesn’t have time to be depressed because she’s trying to keep up with me.

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

9's don't have to lift. It's in their genes. I look fwd to getting to a 9 someday when I get drop to lifting maybe once or twice a month.

[–]Smuggler-Tuek1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There’s a difference between caring and caretaking. It’s good to be there for her but retarded to be butt-hurt if she doesn’t do or say what you want. It’s her issue so she has to deal with it.

[–]MarkSentinel1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The best advice I've heard on differentiating shit test vs comfort test:

If she is talking about herself with "me" and "I" statements, it's a comfort test.

If she is talking about "you", it's a shit test.

Try not to let her emotions effect you. If she has attitude, but is talking about herself and her own problems, just STFU and give her a hug.

[–]0io-Tsundere0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Not a shit test. Comfort tests are usually like "you don't love me anymore, you just use me". So not a comfort test either. She might be sick or tired or even clinically depressed.

[–]hack3geRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

FYI that’s a shit test not a comfort test. If you respond to it like a comfort test she pegs you back in her beta box. You AA the fuck out of that.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

YOU - Shit test. Blaming you for something. You don't love me anymore. You just use me. AA &AM.

I - Comfort test. I feel I can't satisfy you. Kiss forehead and give a hug.

[–]NeoTheJuanDJ0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Stop being the Nice Guy. It’s not your problem to fix. Be the oak. This isn’t a shit test nor is even remotely close to a comfort test. She may or may not be depressed, but it’s on HER to take care of her health (including mental health). Similar to a wife who needs to lose weight, the role you play is kind of like a listener, who coaches her towards making her own decisions towards her goals, and then hold her accountable (not a covert contract) to actually improving. Why? Because you are a high value man, and a high value man has no time for women who are depressed/fat/financially retarded, etc. At some point she’ll either get her shit together or you’ll come to a point when you have to decide whether staying with this woman is even worth it for you.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Something tells me your conversations typically go a little bit like this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

It's not about the nail. Stop trying to fix her. Just comfort her and then go lift heavy shit.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why is she depressed? She should take time off, 'too soon of notice' means take a day off as soon as she can.

Unable to sleep. How many solutions has she tried? Does she take melatonin at night?

Some people are saying comfort test, I agree she just needs you there to listen to her vent and possibly cheer her up or have some fun with her. Do you guys do a weekly date night, do you have ways you can cheer her up and have some laughs with her? Shit like massage, a hard fuck, reruns, ice cream, a dinner... Fuck I don't know what kind of work she does.

My wife stays up on the regular till 2am working, she hates her job. She takes adderall tho. Works really well with minor side effects.

I tend to naturally wake up in the middle of the night when my wife isn't in bed. I sleep 1000 times better when she works late and isn't in the bed. So when I get up to piss at 12-2 I always go find her and give her some attention for 15-30 minutes before I go back to bed. Sometimes we end up talking all night and so goes on and fucking on about work till we gotta get up and I drag my feet a bit but usually that happens once every few months and then she's solid again.

Results may vary. Whatever the fuck is wrong with her, generally listening over talking it through with her, touching and being a ray of sunshine and enthusiasm helps. Taking shit off her plate for a moment can really help. I try to go in cycles where I do a ton of chores around the house, which usually gets her fired up to do a ton of chores then we settle in for the week.

Maybe she's in a rut and you need to change up your routines a bit. Don't know enough but those are my 2 second assumption bits of advice.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She needs a therapist. You can’t fix her. At least she recognizes the issue and she’s reaching out for help from you. Provide comfort, emphasize but realize you can’t fix her feelz here.

The good news is it sounds like she recognizes an issue and wants help.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Anxiety and depression sufferers will always come up with the 'work needs me' and 'The school play can't happen if I am not there' lines.

They need leadership, not someone to solve their problems. No matter what solution you propose, she will counter it with a reason why it won't work.

The fact that you became butthurt when she didn't think your great idea was the best idea ever tells me you need more work on yourself than you need to work on her.

Women become anxious when they need to steer the ship. Are you being a captain?

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

When women talk about “how hard they’ve been working out but they can’t lose the weight” - - that’s just a smokescreen so that Blueboys leave them alone and quit nagging about how overweight they are. If you’ve got a fat depressed wife, you have problems in every area of your relationship, you’re most likely too accustomed to them to realize it.

Instead, call her out for making shit up. But you should be at the gym and increasing dread with gym bunnies or attractive non-depressed, non-dependent chicks.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

As others have said you CANNOT fix her problems. She has to willingly own up to her issues and setup therapy for. I don’t remember if you said kids to cause I stopped reading. It’s harder with them but at the end of the day you can’t fix crazy. You can lead but she has to recognize her issue, admit them, and get some help.

If she can’t do that than you have to take care of yourself and decide what you want - with her or without.

Good luck

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I have written an entire post series on this from my perspective. You should start at post #1.

Quit trying to fix her.

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/d2rvsm/depressive_and_anxious_wives_converting_dread_to/

Hint: It's all your fault.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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