I keep posting this time and again, and I keep swinging between BP and PP (I can't align myself morally with RP, I can only intellectually submit to it, try as I might it makes sense).

My very basic understanding of the Red Pill and one I am struggling immensely to deal with is that men are expected, without being told, to fully understand both the merits of feminismand the expectations of patriarchy/gender dimorphism simultaneously, and silently. It is necessary that they are able to flip between the behaviours and outlooks associated with each system effortlessly if they are ever to maintain a woman's respect and certainly attraction. The reason for this being that while gender may be a cultural construct, sexuality is definitively biological and both genders have been socially conditioned to a great extent over centuries.

I realise this is becoming a very long post, so may need to continue my 'spitting it out' elsewhere or in another post, I've began with Punching Morpheus, although a lot of the advice did come down to a mixture of purple pill theory and 'up your game lower your standards' which I felt was a bit of a straw man.

My situation is quite long and complex, half an essay in length,for 2 reasons. Firstly, the red pill has been something I’ve been vulnerable to my whole life. Secondly, the dynamic I had with my frankly, first love, was complicated to begin with, and made ridiculously complicated by all the outside factors.

I’ll attempt to tl;dr for the sake of those of you with jobs and lives. Long story short I somewhat forced a relationship with a friend (slash crush) who was unavailable due to cultural differences, at a time when my anxiety/depression was controlling my life, and who helped me recover as a friend knowing how it feels. This woman means so much to me, and yet slowly having the pill pushed into my mouth ruined it all.

Please no-one say go to therapy I’ve been umpteen times, I’m currently on a break from it because just talking is getting me nowhere. I will be going back when I’ve moved to a healthier stage of basic independent coping skills.

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Pt 1: Background/Context

• 1) There was this Indian girl (21 this week) a year younger than me (22) that I liked, she'd crushed on me for years, we saw each other at a reading group. She would practically pounce on me when I came and not stop talking to me, to the point it was, at the time, a little annoying she was so hyperactive but cute. I had impressed her by working out, fronting the school rock band as well as being a good drummer, being intelligent and knowledgeable about the books we'd read, my musical taste, and being (fairly) respectful of women for a teenage boy. I'm sure my being a year older than her helped me here (urge to blame hypergamy intensifies)

• 2) The attention of this girl was a really big deal, as it represented the fruits of my labours from an extensive self-improvement program and persona-‘The Regime’-that I spent my entire adolescence undertaking. The motivation for this was quite basic: rejection and humiliation by other girls (and guys, but I remember craving their validation less as I had more guy friends) at a young age. This was due to my weight, poor social skills (e.g. whipped my dick out in front of all the girls on the playground in 3rd grade), and Dyspraxia (curse of the butter fingers, turns out it has overlap with autism which explains my occasionally impulsive and inappropriate behavior, but I only found this out last year). Insults such as ‘fat spaz’ were regularly thrown at me and I never really felt respected. Obviously I had compulsive emotional eating problems, hence the weight gain-but note my family were mostly overweight and some obese, so no one thought much of this, as I always saw food as my friend to lean on when no one else would be one, and pretended to be in love with the stuff throughout secondary/high school. This pattern extended into my family; although I was of course never bullied in this way, it was clear that there were certain practical skills which my family never trusted me with doing, and the love I received often felt over-protective, like I was delicate, even weak and naive.

I vowed no-one would treat me the same again. I was not quite correct but certainly people respected me more in my superficially improved, that is fit and well-read self, than before, I was more outgoing (although still withdrawn at weekends) and I received a little more attention from girls-although struggled to risk making a connection and mostly avoided intimacy through communicating on chat forums like MSN. I also began to develop basic independence from my parents.

In short, fear of women has dominated my life since a young age; although more accurately it would be fear of people, just that I got over my fear of men and felt accepted by a portion of them quicker. My insecurities about not being a hot guy, or particularly masculine/laddish remained.

• 3) I started developing anxiety problems, panic attacks and sleep issues, in late high school. The reasons were complicated; social anxiety was a big one as the gap between my social skills and my peers widened. Not fitting in with my peers mostly wanting to drink and party all the time; alcohol and late nights had an awful effect on me. Fear of relationships another, especially given my parents’ divorce (which I discuss on Purple Pill Debate). Fear of the adult world, employment, the future, independence, driving, moving out etc. My friends making reckless life decisions, taking drugs, going through their own struggles such as depression, anorexia and divorce which I felt compelled to play therapist to. I was attacked after one of my friends played a foolish prank call on a man while he did E, and I foolishly went out with him to make sure he didn’t get into trouble. Fear of sex. The list goes on.

So I suddenly quit the reading group rather than face an embarrassing panic attack (also they got so bad at one point I thought I'd have a heart attack climbing a flight of stairs with my rucksack). The last time I went was a Christmas party in 2010, where I had a panic attack; she and her family gave me a lift home.

• 4) The year of A2s which ensued was a phase of anxiety so severe that I spent several months unable to sleep and imagining that I had a special form of fat around my chest which defined me as ‘dangerously’ skinny fat, that was slowly killing me by exponentially increasing my risk of heart disease, and which I had to diet and exercise off. (I did get an A in GCSE Biology however I truly could not think straight due to this insomnia, I study Arts and Humanities and fell for a lot of bro-science, which might explain why TRP ‘makes sense’ to me). This all led to some pretty bad hypochondria-induced disordered eating and extensive (albeit mostly low-intensity) exercise; i.e., the lesser known and oft-disputed eating disorder/obsessive clean eating known as Orthorexia. An ECG scan and tests by a cardiologist would only half-convince me my heart was OK. In the meantime my weight plummeted, primarily muscle mass too as previously I worked out regularly.

• Socially I was destroyed, and walked around clutching my chest as if a dying man. I became heavily addicted to the Internet during this time, as a crutch to shield myself from reality, and I remain more mildly addicted 5 years later. At the end of 10+ hour computer binges doing nothing in particular, I would cry myself to sleep with bloodshot eyes at 3am, never certain when I'd not wake up, at least once a week. The fear of death never left me.

CBT convinced me less that I would live and more to enjoy my life while I still had it and not worry too much about my (admittedly impending) demise. The local Eating Disorder clinic said physically, I was fine; psychologically, I had pretty serious control issues (food as coping mechanism), poor body image/body dysmorphia, relationship dysfunctions both with women and dependence on my parents, and noticeable social anxiety. Not stuff which would go away overnight or in an office for a few weeks. This would require an overhaul of how I behaved and viewed the world, an overhaul which had very little to do with perfecting my body or grades as I previously thought was the path to success.

• Despite all this, I occasionally went out to see my friends, I passed all of my A Levels and received a scholarship into a Russell Group uni, and my gay friend nearly slept with me when I was sharing my anxieties (I rejected him due to a then fear I was gay; I now occasionally have ‘OCD” thoughts about whether I am secretly gay or bi.)

• 5) I had a shit 1st year at uni with this anxiety, naturally, so struggled to make friends. Most of my friends from high school moved out to explore ‘student life’ from halls, which they were convinced would boost their confidence more than financial security from less debt would. This was absolutely not an option for me; I could not cook for one, my orthorexia compelled me to have a specific diet that I’d probably just resort to starving (and yet only someone else could provide this for me?!), and I was having suicidal thoughts due to the ongoing insomnia/depression/paranoia. However, I had a lot of self-stigma, and given previous experiences of rejection, being abandoned here out on my own was like getting fed to the dogs. No.

I kept my distance, although occasionally reached out to societies and people in my lectures, and accessed the counseling service on a regular basis who. The Disability Support team provided me with a Learning Mentor, that is study buddy, an older woman doing pHD. She was incredibly cool, the problem was that I did not feel I had ‘earned’ this friendship, she was basically a pity friend to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid or waste the scholarship/end up dropping out. Also I developed a crush on her, so that was awkward. I made 2 contacts; one was a massive Star Wars nerd, but quite unreliable for hanging out outside of lectures and oddly attempting to be hyper-masculine despite it completely not suiting him. This also meant he was not down for emotional talks, and I couldn’t confide. The other was a third year with anxiety problems himself, however his time at uni and medication had helped him adjust and manage it better. He graduated aat the end of my 1st year, went travelling around the world (since he was pretty rich, despite his hardships, heh) made a fuck-ton of friends and finally landed a job in Spain. He’s in the country about 3 times a year and I missed the last hang-out due to my anxiety.

• 6) This left me living with my mother throughout university. For a number of reasons this was stressful for both of us:

i) Street cred; no house parties for me, boo! I felt like a child. ii) Being here was a constant reminder of the absence of my dad, who only a year before the breakdown had been kicked out and possibly cheated on I would still visit Dad at his new place around once a fortnight. My mother’s treatment of my father is one of the main attractions that the Red Pill holds for me. Again, see Purple Pill Debate for that, that’s another huge post and I would not be surprised to find something Oedipal/Madonna-Whore complex-y in choosing my ex. iii) As mentioned, my hypochondria and fear of heart disease led to orthorexia, a need for a very specific ‘clean’ diet. This upset my mum greatly; she conflated it with anorexia/bulimia, although it’s not quite as sever an ED as them. I’d go to the Eating Disorder service to get checked out, and told that my diet was extremely nutritious so there was no physical risk, but I had body dysmorphia and used food too much as a coping mechanism for my insecurities which would require counseling. In the meantime, my mom would cook for me, but took it as a personal affront that sometimes my anxiety would be too much to feel the meal was ‘safe’ to eat. Sometimes it reduced her to tears. Obviously this really hurt me, I felt incredibly guilty, and thought logically I should self-sabotage my being ‘too healthy’;-of which one way was to prevent myself going to the gym. (It should be noted that I was afraid of having a heart attack during exercise as well) In hindsight this was a TERRIBLE decision, for many reasons, in particular that it set up emotive reasoning; I don’t do it, therefore it must be unsafe-which perpetuated my fear of the activity.-and also that anxiety would reduce my baseline anxiety which was causing these habits!

In any case what emerged was a compulsive avoidance cycle of exercise similar to OCD. When the anxiety got too great to go without exercise or saying no to cake, I’d request compulsive re-assurance that I was not fundamentally bad or selfish or hurting anyone to do these things. I would self-sabotage to the point of self-harm, forcing myself to binge-eat on junk food, drink alcohol, deprive myself of sleep despite knowing it might end the cycle, and sometimes physically hurt myself. This haunted me throughout 3 years of university, including the relationship, given how much confidence lifting had given me as a high-schooler and I thought she was attracted to it. I secretly came to resent Mom for ‘controlling’ my life, ruining my ‘game’ with women (because you know, college girls only want to date ripped jocks and Alpha Males blabla) and it’s took several years until she started just getting pissed off and saying “dude just go to the fucking gym”. But she has been to therapy herself in the time between my breakdown during A Levels and now. She went around the time I started hanging out with my ex, actually. She has also re-married since then, which led her to let go of some of her hostilities towards my father.

It was safe to say that my life was in a very…strange, dysfunctional place, and I was, according to No more Mr Nice Guy, not an integrated adult male to say the least.

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Pt. 2: Honeymoon

• 1) So, my Book Buddy, my Ex of sorts. She said she was gutted I left reading group without a word and searched for me for 2 whole years before bumping into me during freshers week on campus, as if by fate. That I was so cool and lit up her life in a way no one else had in just an hour once a month. At first I thought she was just overly obsessed with me and annoying, but soon warmed to her.

Now, this is shitty but a lot of this began as an experiment between myself and a psychologist to breach my fears of women. And so she was the first time I had ever let my walls down. Truly it was as if she was sent from heaven above, as I was miserable and lonely still at uni, sometimes suicidal. But always, there was the fear: what if part of my attraction is the Mystery Man/alpha persona? So I kept referring to some very elementary PUA resources (AskMen’s DocLove, I believe)

• 2) We became really good friends, without saying too much turned out she had experience of depression/anxiety, didn't want me to go through it either and we bonded over that. We also had a lot of common interests as remembered through reading group, built on those further as we got to know each other better and there was also physical attraction. I won't elaborate too much as some of it isn't my right to share. However importantly, she got me to ‘let go’ of my ED a little, try to relax more around junk food and not associate myself worth with perfectly lean body or perfect nutrition. (Given that she had some experience of depression-induced anorexia.) I mention this because it becomes important later on.

• 3) I asked her out around Christmas 2012; she said she was flattered and all over me, but couldn't because of cultural differences/her religion (Hindu) and strict parents imposing a curfew. These made us fundamentally incompatible despite chemistry.

• I left it for a bit, we remained friends feelings grew deeper, tried again she said yes this time, but it was on-off, she broke up with me and got back together with me 3 times in total, very apologetically and with regret each time though. • There was no sex because she's Hindu, which was frustrating but part of the bill. In truth I had a fear of sex for reasons unknown, likely the basic fear of women. But there was absolutely love. To this day I care for her and do not want her to hurt. It was why I had to distance myself in the end, sensing my anxiety would destroy us both. Throughout she was very supportive of my recovery, including helping me with my Dyspraxia, social anxiety and boosting my CV, while having a few small episodes herself.

So far, so heavenly.

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Pt 3: Relapse

At some point a few things happened which made everything go to shit within about a year, most noticeably a downslide between November 2013 and July 2014:

1. I went through a fuck-ton of stress summer 2013:

• I moved house from Mum’s to Dad’s after too many disagreements about food (and also to move closer to my partner). • I stopped going to gym due to the return of intrusive thoughts of my being ‘a bad person’ that I now refer to as the ‘Mum/Gym worry’. • I started eating my Dad’s cakes and crumbles, feeling like it would make me fit in better with him and show him my love. But the presence of my Dad, a ‘low testosterone beta male’ who was whipped and destroyed by a woman, was stressful and threatening. Again, fitness buff me saw his laid back approach to dieting and exercise as indicative of a desire to sabotage and emasculate me. But in the victim mindset, I had no choice but to follow his example. So I became, just a little bit more pudgy. (Seriously, it was probably my dysmorphia, but it was enough to get distressed by it)
• I had to sell my drums, (as mentioned a major reason I thought she liked me.) • I had to put my cat up for adoption, a poignant moment especially given the pet name she gave me. • My retail part-time job was on the line, as a new boss came in who basically spat upon my issues as weakness and inefficiency, while the new sixth form recruits were somewhat condescending bitches to me and me alone. • I didn’t really even feel that my former friends from high school and even some of my drinking buddies at home even liked me. • I was vaguely aware I was supposed to be considering my career options, long and hard, with the ‘real world’ outside of academia on the horizon. But I kept putting them off because the thought scared me, as did the careers advisor and it was stressful. I wanted to sleep, damn it. • And of course, 3rd year deadlines.

2. When she went away to India for the summer got really sucked into my Internet and porn addiction, to escape from the above stresses. My sleep hygiene once again became terrible, that is I’d stay up until 7 or 8 am some nights, even when I had work at 11am for example. The porn was triggering, often hotwife/cuckold porn on Literotica, as well as a shallow obsession with ‘transformation’ porn-fat to fit, old to young, Fitspo, whatever-or husbands getting dumped/cheated on for hot rich studs. This made me insecure, but was part of the high. It became a blueprint for reality, and a horrible one.

3. When she came back from (North of) India she broke up with me (she looked very tired and seemed to be in a depression) but came back to me 3 days later, saying she didn’t want to let me go.

4. I came off my meds prematurely without telling my GP I was going cold turkey. When first adjusting to my meds at the start of my 2nd year, I had a near-death manic/psychotic experience where I was deluded I was a superhero, and invulnerable to both an electric subway rail and the incoming train. I never jumped but very nearly did. (I was however actively suicidal at the time, too; it was akin to either hypomania or psychotic depression, according to my notes). The meds changed me, in a way I could not fully explain, and coming off them again may have changed me.

5. She got more confident socially and busier academically, got some positions of responsibility in student societies. I started off a little insecure about these, as in "I don't do much in the societies at uni, can she do better than me?" and then just crazy paranoid (see below)

6. Meanwhile I remained a bit of a social hermit on campus, although saw friends off campus. The time I spent on was spent on a student forum talking about my anxiety, insecurities and ruminations all the time and how they depressed me. (In particular I’ve semi-trolled the fitness sub-forum about whether I can go to the gym/lift or not). I would quite frequently read the BB Misc. for stories about how to game someone, how to seem ‘alpha’, or other off-the-wall PUA places like The Attraction Forums and Lovesystems. Eventually people hated me on the forum, and I'm actually famous on there and banned for life now by the moderators. Although I won’t name it, if you search the Internet you will find me. There is a lot of overlap with my activities on that forum and my activities on Reddit under the Xemnas pseudo.

7. Only the bare minimum of work was done, for 3rd year of all things. I particularly fell behind in English Lit, previously my favourite subject, but now with too many uncomfortable life truths hidden in the pages.

8. She met a guy friend who she unfortunately gave a triggering nickname to. I met him once before the summer she went to India, and he was a nice guy. He made her laugh. I won't repeat here for Anon but to do with alpha males and superheroes. She was close to him, almost as close as we were (impossible to tell in hindsight as I wasn't there for some of it was I). The dude was objectively very attractive, in better shape, pretty funny, much more laid back, pretty smart,and a hell of a lot more socially skilled/good with women. And she would not shut up about him really. Always sharing what they did in class or a funny joke he pointed out. Hypergamy anyone? As such I got really jealous and insecure about this guy, became a bit of a douche-canoe to him the few times we met and got paranoid she had feelings for him. (In all honesty she seemed to be quite fond of him, don't know if she is now…)

It should be noted, that she tried to get us to both be friends, without much success-but she clearly had a good time with him. Still, this is not the behavior of someone having an affair to introduce the part-time lover to a partner; it’s a dumbass move! (Unless she double bluffed me like the cunning bitch she is, my cynical paranoia said). Another kicker was that he described me as a “nice guy”, the curse of all betas everywhere; was he gaming me, trying to be the better man, keep your friends close and your enemies closer? I didn’t know where I stood.

9. I asked for advice re: this guy friend and dealing with it on the forum I was addicted to before Reddit. Some people said you need more self esteem, others said you need to improve yourself, the trolls kept saying things like "lol beta faggot she's gonna cheat on you man up pussy" until I believed them. One did suggest to “befriend:” him to keep an eye on him, but I felt too beta to do that.

All of these events led to a sharp-ish decline in mental health, that is losing confidence to socialize around the university, becoming afraid of Dad, afraid of her, afraid of losjng my job, losing sleep-just generally insecure and wanting to hide behind my laptop, despite my keyboard warrior activities being a HUGE source of the bullying to make me insecure again in the first place, in a vicious cycle.

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Pt. 4: Breakup

1. The turning point of our relationship was that, about 3 months into the relapse, she threw a surprise 21st birthday party for me, a few days before Christmas 2013…but invited him (he'd just been dumped). It went terribly, and the thing is-that is kinda my fault!

I had been on a porn binge the night before, stressing about my dissertation. One of the stories on Literotica involved a woman sleeping with a guy with his nickname. I had been all but Redpilled/reduced back to a depressed insecure mess through the anon forum ‘alphas’ by now, and beginning to side with the Redpillers too, engaging in ‘debates’ about feminism, the pussy pass, gender double standards etc. My originally innocent questions about myself, “girls do you mind if a guy likes to eat healthy?” became leading questions; “girls just be honest, how important is a man’s status and wallet?” “do women lose interest the moment a man shows a shred of insecurity or weakness“ “would you dump your boyfriend if he got a 2.2/lost his job/put on 2lbs at Christmas?” “do you enjoy cheating?” etc.

As for her, she had started to act funny when hanging out, and withdraw from me, but she’d often do this when she was stressed or entering a depression. Only a couple of weeks before we’d had the most intimate actual 21st birthday ever. A couple of weeks later again, she’d be all over me and in love. She said she tried to invite some of her own friends, but they didn't respond.

I thought she was overly friendly to him throughout. The kicker for me was her flirting in (possibly to boost his confidence, however) and leaving the party early, to go Christmas shipping with him before they both got the bus home together. This remains the single shittiest thing she has ever done to me, but even this had some context; the party was thrown many miles from her house, when she was supposed to have a curfew, and she risked losing a limb or her right to leave the house to socialize if caught. When her father called her to demand her home when she’d hang out at mine, there was genuine fear in her eyes. From her perspective, she said to me she didn't understand why I was antisocial to her and even my guy friends. My friends also confirmed I was acting pretty weird, likely because of the sleep issues. My best friend, who I has been with me throughout said after she left that [sic] I was batshit motherfucking crazy paranoid about my own damn girlfriend and needed to chill out and enjoy the party and Christmas for Christ’s sake or I was going to ruin a good thing with her. I now wonder whether I just held a confirmation bias due to all the shitty porn stories I'd been reading.

2. Well around January 2014 she broke up with me, over the religion/culture thing, we tried to be friends but there was clearly feelings on both sides. She spent a couple of weeks stressing her reasons for the breakup were to do with culture/religion and how serious an inter-racial/inter-religious relationship will be to her family/community back in India. Like she was genuinely terrified. (This was common throughout the relationship as I hint at, typically when physical intimacy was involved, or we were getting very close. She she stressed it's why it might not be a good idea to date before we got together.)

After helping me prepare for finals, she gradually tried to distance; apparently I was a little clingy/obsessive about us no longer being physical and holding on too much which was hurting her. She needed some space but still wanted contact; perhaps this was selfish of her. Likely she was hurting and confused as to what she wanted as well. She said she wanted me to live a happy life.

3. During this not quite NC period, I continued my pseudo-research into 'alpha/beta' etc., went from the fringes of PUA, straight into the thick of the red pill. The leading questions were now not just unconscious but intentional: “girls do you enjoy cheating?” “do you like manipulating people for sex?” “have you ever dread gamed a beta?” and so on.

The mods have now banned me for my reactionary red pilling, and an abuse counsellor was called in from London to get me to quit my behavior. They said they were extremely lenient with me due to the seeming severity of my dysfunctions that would require quite a lot of therapy. Anyone else should have been banned a long time ago for inflammatory posting, especially given the vulnerability of some of the younger GCSE/A Level students, victims of sexual and emotional abuse, etc. Basically, I got a “crazy pass”, and exploited it-though with the aim of seeking reassurance for something really distressing me. I have since lost that pass, part of the reason I’m here on Reddit.

4. By March I was thinking "OMG she's president of the society shit hypergamy I'm screwed" (although didn't have the term for it then). I basically ended the friendship through my hostility towards her, over the risk of her being hypergamous and "trading up" to a hotter guy, lying about the reason for the breakup and laughing at it behind my back etc. I could never tell her this straight, so what manifested was me being a bit of a dick to the guy friend I thought she liked again (because according to his Facebook he was pretty attractive to other girls) depressed and passive aggressive when we met up. A few times I snapped since I was sleep deprived and stressed, usually after porn binges or getting bullied on this student forums. A few times I snapped at her just for thinking she was trying to ‘assert dominance’ over me, when she was just making a joke.

She went full NC on me for finals then gave me closure. At this point she said to the effect of "Are we really old friends? You never bothered to keep in touch at reading group did you" (truth was I was really shy and lacked the balls to ask her to hang out, so just hovered for the safe setting of the group then disappeared)

5. She came back (broke NC with text) to wish me well for my graduation, since she said it was important to know that I'd graduated, she wanted to know I was happy and had made it cos she still cared. She insinuated something about wanting to start things over. Whether she meant friendship or reconciliate the relationship I couldn't tell. Bear in mind the red pill and the darker corners of the Manosphere as well as the intensity of the porn I was onto by this point led to a full-on relapse. I remember spending 8 weeks last summer in my room with the light off and my laptop on my bed trying to understand it, with the result of becoming paranoid and more obsessive than usual (see my early post history for results of that!!!)

Because I couldn't tell what she meant, and had to leave the ceremony early for a family reunion meal, we had an awkward meet-up. There was then mis-communication at meeting up later that week, she said she was running late and may have to skip it for today, which I tried to be assertive about wanting to see her to meet up because I thought I might never see her again. However I came off aggressive, she broke down in tears, there was drama on the road (again see early post history) and she walked. I was heartbroken.

6. We went about 4 months NC during which time I thought I'd never hear from her again. She broke NC in November wanting to meet up. Still seemed to care for me a lot, also needed support since her stress levels were flaring up doing her own 3rd year. She even took me to “our place”. Confused as hell about her intentions.

Since when we were going out she'd brought up how she was frustrated by her family curfew, I tried to help with that with a resource…however the resource was extreme to say the least (Karam Nirvana, forced marriage/abuse), she was offended and shut down.

After this I basically said I didn't think I could be there for her at this present moment in time in case my paranoia flares up and I start treating her like shit again. I didn't want to fuck up her 3rd year. (I could not bring myself to say I'd been discussing her online wit random strangers/on PUA sites/porn addiction/redpilled for obvious reasons, although I tried to say it and tried in June as well) Again she broke down over this, the words “ripped to shreds” “lost a piece of myself in you” were used. So she was obviously distraught but understood my reasons. She suggested we meet up still, however she also said lots of things along the lines of "don't dwell on me" and "I need to know you'll be alright without me".

While discussing this over text I ended up saying some stuff which she responded to with "you don't understand me, that hurts me". I responded that I'm sorry but I might have Aspergers and struggle with stuff like this (getting diagnosed in September, an idea planted in my head by my father and friend with ASD). She responded "what? you're autistic? how come you never told me? Look forget I said anything about myself. Maybe we can meet up soon, and talk about [innocent casual Youtube comedian that I introduced her to when we were first starting to hang out]. Unfortunately I've gotta go do some work now though, see ya later :)"

{FWIW she's known I've had Dyspraxia throughout and been supportive of that.]

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Now

Since then, we've had on-off contact through text.

Knowing the severity of my paranoia when I relapse (see heart worry above) I felt that as stalkerish as it might be, I should compile a list of affectionate things she said to me and save it for reference when I forgot. Things to understand what was going on. I’m now looking back at them, and my God how wrong have I managed to get everything thanks to TRP. It doesn’t add up. Is she one of the fabled unicorns?

She texted me happy birthday, before going quiet around Christmas (when I went quiet too, chicken and egg thing).

I haven't heard back from her, however last time I contacted her was Holi, where she sent a Thank you back within 10 minutes.

Earlier this week I looked up what she's doing on Google, (I've periodically tried to stalk her online as you do with exes eventually, but she's got barely anything up online). Well she's been helping at some science fair. Usually I'd be thinking crap hypergamy she's higher SMV, I'm totally screwed, what's a beta like me hanging out with her for anymore (objectively I'm not that beta). This is what went through my head around Feb-March (insomnia was returning due to finals stress, and the bullying/redpilling on the forum intensifying as noted above). This time I'm just thinking "aww good on her, well done".However I don't know if this is naive.

This week it was her birthday, I texted her and she did get back to me, saying thank you, and sorry for the late reply as she’d been helping out at a university open day. I have since tried to make small talk, and she is guarded in her responses. If she taught me anything, it’s that saying to someone “I’m OK”does not actually mean you are OK. However she said that as she was working on her birthday she was too tired to do anything.

I hope to arrange to meet up. Ideally, at some point I will have to explain exactly what went on in my head in my free time. Including the Red Pill, and the triggering porn. From there we will either begin to heal the friendship, have complete closure and an amicable farewell, or alternative closure, she will hate me and that will be a door shutting on 8 years of my life for good before going up in flames.

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Here are the specific notions that the Red Pill and PUA have put in my head which have hurt my relationship

•
i) Watch what a woman does, not what she says

• ii) Hypergamy: Crucial.Women are always fishing for the bigger catch (her guy friend, possibly; and she might be able to attan him, now that she has her status as President in the societies.) In my case, worsened by the fact that hypergamy originated with the Indian caste system…

• iii) The power distribution in relationships is critical, once a woman holds it she will lose respect for and any interest in/attaction towards a man

• iv) Cheating is always an option when the man’s high SMV is high enough

• v) Women are experts at hiding affairs, and if they think they’ll be caught they know how to gas-light the shit out of you

• vi) If a woman cheats, society will tell you it’s your fault for not being man enough (that is, alpha) to please a woman

• vi) Women are just as shallow if not more shallow than men, but will never admit it. Women say looks don’t matter much, but they matter. They matter everything. If a better looking guy comes on the scene, you can bet her hypergamous ass you’re fucked unless you stepyour game up

• Vii) Women say it’s OK to be sensitive, but if it’s not in the right contexts, it will be used against you and she’ll lose attraction

• Viii) She is not your shoulder to cry on, only the other way around

• ix) Women are constantly shit-testing men, to see if they can walk over them or wrap them around their finger as part of the power games. They want to see how far you can push them before you call them out on shit [source: Mom/Dad]

• x) The rationalization hamster: A woman will quickly change her tune to fit in with the “men are oppressors, women victims” narrative, and absolve herself of responsibility. For example cognitive dissonance, picking details which best fit her agenda, etc.

• xi) Women have means and ways of claiming emotional tampons through beta orbiters that they have no interest in as a person, only to dump their feelings and problems on

• xii) The pussy pass: there is a lot of stuff which a woman can get away with whjch a man would be absolutely slaughtered for, both in relationships and out, e.g. hitting a man

• xiii) Likewise there are ways women can act that men can’t; in particular it’s OK for women to have depression/anxiety etc., but not men. (Other examples include; it’s OK for women not to drive, but God forbid a man can’t)

• xiv) Nothing matters more to a woman than having a man who’s dominant and in control

• xv) A man must be able to read a woman’s mind at all times

• xv) The whole Alpha Fucks/Beta Bucks thing [see: my dad/divorce]

• xvi) [this is from porn] If a man can’t get hard at will, he’s a pussy. Likewise if he has a small dick

xvii) [this is not even TRP but just really bad paranoia and trust issues] A woman will cut off the testicles of a beta male when she wants to emasculate him and claim him as her bitch, so you need to watch yourself in bed

xviii) Don’t Talk about Fight Club: You cannot discuss the red pill anywhere, no-one will sympathise with you, not even therapists, certainly not women, it’s not in their interest to give up the name of the game. This is why feminists are so hostile to men discussing it. Remember women can do no wrong

xix) [projection] Women would rather all the beta and omega males of the world just go jump off a bridge and kill themselves already ,so that they can have their pick of the top 20%

xx) Attraction is Amoral: There is nothing fair about what women are attracted to, it is what it is, it is their natural conditioning as females. If you can’t handle it then you’re a weak beta not ready for the dating world

etc.

I try I try to fight these but I keep coming back to them, there seems to be some truth

tl;dr How do I even start? Getting paranoid about red pill, shitty cheating/hotwife porn stories and possibly misinterpreting PUA ruined a relationship/friendship but then I may always have been fucked from being too beta/anxious/insecure to start with due to a whole host of life issues preceding the relationship. Feeling like it might soon be time to break NC. I have wished her happy birthday and am currently making small talk, which she is a little closed off with.