IoI's from women at church

UshankaDalek · 2018-06-02T00:49:16+00:00

In case anyone else is confused, IoI's is "Indicators of Interest", not lowercase LOL's.

GunnerMcGrath · 2018-06-02T14:30:11+00:00

I'm sort of relying upon being more attractive than the other men in my church community in order to keep my wife on her toes.

Whoa. I missed this throwaway comment the first time through but this is a major problem in your perspective. I don't know your history with your wife but do you actually believe that you must be more attractive than all other men in order to keep your wife? This is only going to cause you perpetual stress and insecurity. It means that you think your wife is only with you if you can stay the best option, but a) there will ALWAYS be more attractive, richer, more charming men out there, and b) women don't tend to think that way about their husbands, we men are much more easily distracted by a beautiful woman than a woman is led to desire another man based on his looks.

Once a woman commits to a man in marriage, especially a Christian woman, it takes a significant emotional betrayal to get her considering other men. Again I have no idea what your marriage is like, or if you may have betrayed her in any ways that has caused a severe break in your relationship, and if you have you should be in marital counseling to work through it, not striving to keep your alpha male status. What if you get a new pastor that looks like Bradley Cooper? Are you going to go church hunting because you don't trust your wife's love and commitment to you?

In my estimation from this admittedly short post I fear that you have made an idol of your physical attractiveness, and are placing a higher importance on it than you should (or need to). This is some work you can do with a counselor or in a group of trusted Christian men.

Also, quite frankly, you can take an evening and express your fear to your wife. Tell her that you're scared that if you aren't always the best looking man in the room that she may not want you anymore. I'm not a regular here in this subreddit (stumbled in by accident) but if honestly sharing your fears and imperfections with your wife is seen as a major failure of redpilling then it is actually preventing you from being a whole man, and preventing you from being loved for who you really are, because it's causing you to put on a fake front and be manipulative and dishonest about who you are, which means that if you receive love it's really the lie that is loved, not the truth.

So talk to your wife. A useful phrase is "the story I'm telling myself is..." It indicates that you think this, but you also know that it may not be true. "The story I tell myself is that it is vital to our marriage and our sex life that I am always the most attractive man at church, and that I might lose your love if someone more attractive comes along or if I let myself go. I want to be attractive and fit as a gift to you, but I'm scared that if I don't, I'll lose you." I daresay she will probably respond to that with deep sympathy and will comfort and encourage you that this isn't the case. She'll also feel very close and connected to you as a result and this connection is VERY likely to make her MORE attracted to you, not less.

I'm sorry if any of my assumptions about you or this sub have been off.

Deep_Strength · 2018-06-01T19:17:01+00:00

Evaluate these things in a proper context.

Just because a woman is beautiful does not mean you want to bang her. It just means she's attractive.
Just because a woman gives you IOIs does not mean that they want to bang you. It's a way that they show you that they think you're attractive. Usually unconsciously.

Being attractive is not a sin. Don't take the leap from thinking someone is attractive to lust/coveting.

As long as you're taking steps to ensure that you'll only be faithful to your wife then that's all you need to do. That includes not flirting or leading any of the other wives on either.

(I've vowed to never be alone with another woman except my wife)

Good.

However, some of these women are very attractive and it's a battle to keep my mind out of the gutter.

Work on that. Take your thoughts captive to Christ. Channel your sexual energy into your marriage.

wkndatbernardus · 2018-06-01T18:29:17+00:00

I would look at it this way: some men in your church might see your example and want to emulate it, which would end up strengthening their marriages. And anyway, you aren't responsible for anyone's reaction to you. That's on them. Now, if you are inciting temptation in women by gaming them, etc, that's a different story. That would be comparable to a hot woman wearing immodest clothing. It doesn't sound like you are inciting anything, though. You're just being your awesome self (no homo).

redwall92 · 2018-06-01T17:34:32+00:00

I don't want to be a cause of temptation for my sisters in Christ, but at the same time I'm sort of relying upon being more attractive than the other men in my church community in order to keep my wife on her toes.

Why are you doing this for your wife?

Do it for you.

Should I lower my SMV on Sundays and Wednesdays?

Sounds like you already let your wife and other men in your church drive your decisions. Are you looking to let your sisters in Christ drive your fashion choices on Sundays? Or at restaurants when you see them? Or at sports with your kids and the other kids' moms are present?

Stupid question, man.

Be your own point of reference. Do it for you.

JT-Anderson · 2018-06-01T23:47:52+00:00

Other women wanting to have sex with you is the basis of sexual attraction. (Read the opening to the Song of Solomon.)

The Apostle James describes the process of sin clearly:

Lust => Enticement => Temptation => Sin => Death

It is inivatable that women will lust for (or at least briefly fantasize about) alpha men. This is why God said it necessary for man to rule over woman (Gen 3:16). Given the the right context, any woman would have sex with an alpha male... especially if her husband is a "loser."

So long as you are not drawing her away and giving her the opportunity to have sex with you, then you are living righteously. You cannot control other people’s desires.

GunnerMcGrath · 2018-06-02T14:04:31+00:00

I can't answer the whole question but I can give you one useful tip.

You've said you avoid being alone with women and if you stick to that you are likely to not have much problem acting on things, but you could be led to cross that boundary and if you do, and don't immediately see what is happening, or for men who don't have that boundary, this may be useful.

I have a friend who used to pursue affairs. His primary way of developing interest from women was to gain their trust and then have conversations about the parts of their marriages that sucked. The more he could get a woman to complain about her husband, he would take her side, talk about how he would do things differently, and cause her to see him as a better man than her husband, while talking about his wife in a way that she would feel she could be better for him too.

The lesson I learned from this, and which I have had to apply at least once, is that it's dangerous to discuss any marital issues or dissatisfaction with the opposite sex, especially one on one. Now I wasn't trying to do this, but I'm one instance I was having a perfectly safe conversation with a co-worker friend, and she started complaint about an issue she had at home, and my natural inclinations was to discuss it and in this case take her side and tell her how I think he should behave differently. I remembered what my friend had said and instead I noped right out of the discussion. I did not want to give that woman any reason to potentially develop interest in me. If she did, I might become tempted to reciprocate at some point, because let's face it, it feels good when a woman shows interest. And that good feeling is normal and not sinful in itself, but it will come with temptation and we are told to flee from temptation.

I guess my other piece of advice would be that in order to be truly manly and be a Godly man, you need to have one or more trustworthy men that you can be honest and vulnerable with, who you can confess your sins and temptations to. Secrecy breeds sin. So if there is a beautiful woman showing interest, keeping that to yourself is going to tempt you to, at minimum, fantasize about flirting or seducing her, and when you begin fantasizing you are then tempting yourself which, if it continues, will possibly lead you to act on it, but almost definitely will create distance and dissatisfaction with your wife.

Instead, when these things happen, confess it to your trusted men. Confess that you like the attention and recommit to your wife. Ask for accountability and give the men permission to speak to you if they think you are acting inappropriately in any way in the future, especially in regard to the woman in question, and commit yourself internally to welcome any concern they may bring to you rather than being defensive or dismissive. The more honest you are about what's inside your heart and mind the less power it has over your actions. This is why recovery groups work so well for so many people, it calls them to be honest with others and themselves in a consistent basis.

Whitified · 2018-06-02T18:12:44+00:00

imagine an attractive women asking if she should lower her SMV becos of male attention

macmeeler · 2018-06-02T05:05:33+00:00

Bro, why are you even pondering how this is challenging?

You made a commitment to your wife to share one body with her and her alone. Attractive women at church giving you ioi’s at church are compliments and affirmations of how lucky she is to be with you, not tempting invitations. Don’t be fooled. Don’t ponder what could be with these other women. Unless they’re being sexually aggressive or something, you’re putting a stumbling block before yourself by paying any mind to the fact that other women want you. They could function as nothing more than a seductress to a married man.

Again, pay them no mind when it comes to these things. You should never show, suggest or behave as if their attraction to you could ever result in anything. It’s a compliment and nothing more. You’re a man of principle.

In response to your comments, do not engage in flirtatious behavior with anyone other than your wife. You can be charming but it can’t ever imply romance or sex. Flirting implies that romantic connection. That’s a dangerous place for your mind to enter.

Title	IoI's from women at church
Author	palmorwrist
Upvotes	14
Comments	34
Date	June 1, 2018 5:00 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/8ntj5i/iois_from_women_at_church/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/iois-from-women-at-church.301910 https://theredarchive.com/post/301910

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