Me: 33 Wife: 37 Married 5 yrs and 2 kids 5 & 2.
Back when I found TRP and sought advice from the members, I was driven to improve and had made some decent improvements.
At around end of October last year after my wife informing me that she wants to separate, she had previously asked me to stay with my parents and come stay in our house when it's my turn to be with the kids while she stays who knows where and vice versa.
I refused. Staying with my parents is not an option as far as I'm concerned.
She said fine she will find somewhere for her and the kids to live. I said if she waits till Feb/Mar when business picks back up, I'll find somewhere for me to go so she can stay in the house. No that's too long to wait was her response.
The main aim with all this was to give the kids a stable environment and keep interruptions to their lives to a minimum.
I was still at my peak of being driven and working on myself and taking in as much TRP knowledge at every spare moment I had, when I came home one Monday night (late Nov) to find no one is home and some clothes and small items gone.
After a few attempts to call her I texted her that night to ask if I can at least say goodnight to the kids. She replies later that night saying sorry kids are already asleep. No explanation, nothing.
I tried calling again and still no answer despite just sending me a text.
I'm losing my mind at that moment and if it wasn't for my deep dive into TRP, I think the old me would have.
The next day (Tuesday) I try seeking help and try to find out where my kids are and am told there isn't much I can do. Yes I have rights but the police won't assist until it's been a few days. A lawyer can send a letter at $xxx cost. What's the point in that though? Besides I don't know where to send the letter.
Wednesday afternoon I get a call from my wife and she is extremely hostile telling me she is in control here, not me. She says we can do this the nice way or the hard way and that it's up to me how this goes.
She has a very wealthy uncle and she mentions that he is willing to help her with legal bills etc. I don't know if there is any truth in this. He doesn't just offer his money out like that. But I'm not willing to find out in any case.
At this point I'm honestly thinking WTF has got into this woman?!? She is behaving rather dramatically even for her. She loves to dramatise things. Must be the effect of years of watching soap operas.
During this phone call, she agrees to let me spend 1 hour with the kids on Thurs with her present to supervise. I ask for 3 hrs and she absolutely refuses.
I'm thinking WTF do you need to supervise? Why is she acting as though I would harm my kids? This comment makes me think that wherever she's staying it's somewhere for abused women and she's making me sound like some violent maniac.
Meanwhile I still have no idea where they are, and she won't let me talk to my kids.
On the Thurs catch up, we meet at a shopping centre and I take the kids to a coffee shop and get them a drink and muffin to share. As I'm ordering my boy asks me if I'm getting something for mum. I think to myself after the shit she's put me through, she can go drink out of a toilet. I just say no.
Fast forward a couple of weeks - She's renting a place 10 mins away and thinks are civil and amicable. Whoever has the kids will call the other to say goodnight to the kids every night. She had me come over on Christmas morning and spent the day together. She's been asking me how I'm feeling about her decision to move out and how I'm doing etc. I tell her I'm fine because it's given me a chance to focus on myself and learn how to be independent. In the beginning, this was true. I was feeling great. I'm now in control of my home and it's up to me to stay on top of everything and organise my life in general.
I was extremely busy with work leading up to the end of Dec and things were good. I was happy to have her out of my immediate life.
I was sad for not being with the kids as much as I had been but I was managing.
I was just focusing on my mission of improvement and lifting regularly until I was pushing too hard and kept injuring my back & neck which kept me out of action and was just bringing me down because it was stopping me from being able to stay on track. Then with the holidays my eating started slipping and it's just been a downward spiral since then. This is further compounded by the fact that Jan/Feb are typically the worst months in the year cash flow wise because.
The legal advice I sought back in Nov was that 50/50 shared care for the kids is unlikely because my youngest is only 2 and she needs to spend majority of the time with her mother.
At the time I'm okay with this temporarily because I've got a lot of work to do on myself before I feel I can be the type of father that I want to be for my kids. (my parents basically didn't teach me any discipline and weren't really present in the ways a child needs from their parents and I feel this has a lot to do with how I ended up here and am so dysfunctional. Not passing the blame, just explaining I have ways to go yet)
Now I'm really struggling to find the motivation to resume this path of growth and development when I really need it most. My boy (5) is struggling with this adjustment and he doesn't like that he doesn't see much of me.
My girl is struggling also but her ways of showing it are more subtle.
When I'm not with my kids I struggle to find the motivation to do things. Even my work is being affected. My eating, fitness, socialising has all turned to shit.
I saw a psychologist last week and she says I'm progressing through the stages of grief. Losing my kids like this, whilst is not permanent, it's still a form of grief. Right now I'm going through the depression stage according to her.
I know 80% of what I need to do, but yet can't fucking do it.
My goal is to eventually get 50/50 custody of my kids. Like say in 6-9 months time. They mean the world to me and there is so much I want to do with/for them and teach them and help them grow into happy, positive and very capable little individuals.
To be able to care for them 50/50 I need to get my business and cash flow to a much improved state. I need to manage my time and prioritise my life and just be a much better 'operator' to handle the challenges that come with single parenting.
My biggest and most immediate problem is I don't have anyone to talk to. My best friend is now one of my biggest client's and as such the friendship has taken a back seat.
Has anyone here gone through something similar? What advice can you give someone that's trying but really struggling?
Just finally before anyone points out I'm being beta AF or whatever. I feel like everything I'd learned about TRP has just gone out the window and I'm trying hard to spend time re-reading and just starting all over again.