She was laying on the bed watching TV as I read through Illimitable Man's post "The Hierarchy of Love," it felt as though he was talking directly to me, his post reaffirming what I'd already known, but didn't truly understand for lack of experience.

I don't like being caught off guard so I always imagine the worst in people. The night before she was telling me that she'd been texting this guy, the brother of a family friend, younger than both of us. She mentioned how much money he made. (more than me.)

"Oh yeah? cool," I said, and changed the subject. A clear shit test. I reacted unphased, even though the underlying message was "I'm talking to a guy who makes more money than you behind your back, are you mad?"

But I wasn't, not at first anyway. What I actually felt was a twinge of fear, like that feeling you get when you almost drop a glass cup. I sighed thinking to myself AWALT, and then a series of questions came forth. Is she branch swinging? Is she just shit testing me? Is that guys SMV better than mine? Is she just using him for attention?

Possibly, definitely, I don't think so, and most probably. But even so, it really highlighted the reality of the situation: She doesn't truly love me. As she so often says. No, she wants me, because I validate her by being higher SMV. Realizing this the anger sat in. Why the hell do I want to be in a relationship with someone who can't love me? Who will use my love to manipulate me, and then leave me when someone better comes along?

I was distant from her for an entire day, it's easy to employ ones power as a man when you're angry. Anger provides clarity and resistance, both of which give agency to acquire what you want without hesitation from a woman, and if she so much as protests I would show her how readily I would be to abandon her.

for a while I came to the conclusion that I would simply use her to get what I wanted, nothing more, I would withhold any affection as it was clearly just being used against me. But as I kept this up I noticed her discomfort, and sadness at the loss of that validation, all while making her provide sex and services for me. This wont last, I realized. It's not healthy or enjoyable to be with someone who's miserable around you.

"It is likewise unfair to expect her to do so (love you in the way you want her to) if you wish her happiness." -IllimitableMan

So I decided to just accept it for what it was, to understand that relationships really are transactional. And just because the fuzzy illusion isn't real it doesn't mean I have to be upset about it. I just have to remember that my affection is the currency I use to pay for the sex, and that if I should ever truly love her I will be subject to her manipulative hypergamous nature. Moral of the story: don't fall in love, or at least try not to display it.