I'm a bit of an airhead. I unintentionally create more work for my boyfriend.

teaandtalk · 2020-02-17T04:32:56+00:00

It could benefit you to live on your own for a bit before living with your boyfriend. We don't really encourage women to do this enough, but it makes everyone a better adult to have to rely on themselves for a time.

misscleanex · 2020-02-17T03:37:30+00:00

Is this your first time not living at home?

I think that there's two kinds of people out there when it comes to cleaning and you and your boyfriend are on opposite sides of the spectrum.

Some people are the types to set it and forget it and have to make a concious effort to clean. This kinda sounds like you.

Some people tend to clean as they go. This sort of sounds like your boyfriend.

I'm also assuming a lot of things here. Maybe something that might help: there's the Tody app which kind of guides you to do chores and allocate a specific amount of time to it. There's also a ton of social media accounts for cleaning. One of my favorites is the #unfuckyourhabitat hashtag on Instagram.

Another thing I do is I will heavily rely on Google for things I don't know how to do. Last night I literally googled how to remove rust spots from knives.

Regardless of what you do I think that it would be extremely helpful for the two of you to sit down and lay out cleaning expectations and take notes, set up chores, etc. I know that I didn't do this in a prior relationship and it was a huge problem.

Good luck!

LateralThinker13 · 2020-02-17T16:16:49+00:00

I grew up with a very critical and emotionally abusive mother. My boyfriend gets that but it's starting to wear on him.

It sounds like you have some issues you need to work through. Have you considered counselling? Your BF sounds patient but patience wears out, as I think you sense.

LateralThinker13 · 2020-02-17T13:00:18+00:00

I don’t know if this is really what you meant, but “Learned helplessness” is an excuse teachers use to refer to school-aged children, not a term for a grown woman to use to describe herself. How are you not ashamed to admit that “At the age of 28, I have pretended not to know how to solve my problems long enough that someone else comes and fixes it for me”?

You describe your boyfriend as being annoyed that he had to clean up your black ring of tub scum. Why was it even left there long enough for him to find out and have to do it himself? A life partner pulls their own weight.

How can he trust you enough to have you move in, marry you and have kids with you when you can’t figure out how to clean a bathtub?? You’re 28. You’re older than me. What happens when your kid has a high fever and your husband’s at work? “Learned helplessness” is not going to be an excuse.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Find some books on housekeeping and home management if you genuinely can’t figure out how to clean stuff. Look at Flylady or other routine-based strategies so this becomes second nature. See a doctor and determine if you genuinely need to be on medication to assist with executive dysfunctioning. Apologize to your boyfriend, explain that you are trying to do better, and listen to his feedback without tears or judgment.

bahnahnahnah · 2020-02-17T08:31:20+00:00

This might not be helpful but YouTube and google searches are great for cleaning advice. When I first moved out there were things I didn’t do very effectively and just had to learn as I went with reading and watching videos. I definitely don’t recommend just using cleaning supplies randomly because that can be legitimately dangerous, always read the packing and directions clearly.

ScaredIllustrator · 2020-02-17T11:00:49+00:00

have you ever had a job? just do it as if you were assigned tasks by your manager. imo things should be split equally though. eg. only be cleaning the house cooking food etc if he is working full time and not treating you like a dickhead

youll be fine tbh. sounds like you're just stressed out and feel like you have too much to do. i know the feeling very well. but if its just minor tasks you should be fine. its if you start finding it hard to even get minor tasks done, that you might want to go talk to a doctor about it

> If he tasks me with something, I have this mental block against asking for more clarity or asking for what I need to complete the task.

Tell him that, and youll find a way to work around it. If you feel mentally blocked in the moment, you could talk to him and make sure he's available so you can text/call him and ask for more details if needed.

if tasks are still hard for you to complete - you might want to talk to a doctor for help

anyways, you learn as you go along, soon you won't need to ask for anything and will know yourself. just like turning on your pc and making a reddit post. if he tasked you with that, i doubt youd have any problems because you've done it before.

what sort of tasks are you struggling with? if its remembering stuff, you can set reminders or alarms. set up a shared calendar/reminder app or something. google calendar or something.

cleaning? i'm not a female and i can put you together a guide on cleaning the house in a couple minutes lol. just let me know.

no idea what oil based stuff you couldve used in the bath to make a black ring around the sides though lol. are you sure it wasnt fungus or dirt or something nasty

> Today he found a black ring around his tub as a result of me using oil based products in the bath

OH NO. jk.

just clean up after yourself in the future? in the same way he would clean up after himself if he shaves his pubes in the bath, he wouldnt leave them in there for you to take a bath in would he? does he leave his doo doos in the toilet instead of flushing it?

you couldve just wiped it off and it wouldve gone away? and if not, use bathroom cleaner to clean it off. anything that dissolves oil, any non ionic surfectant would work to do that. its in most bathroom cleaners so no need to bring out the multi purpose cleaner or whatever you have for the other stuff.

standard practice after having a shower for example, is spraying descaler on the shower and all around the area - if the shower isnt going to be used again for some time.

for a bath its important its cleaned regularly. any one of you could do that, just use bathroom cleaner and scrub it clean. if there's a stain that won't go away with bathroom cleaner, then scrub with bleach and let it soak (especially when tiles yellow, or in between the tiles, or bathroom sealent - bleach works excellent)

if it still wont go away, wash away the bleach and use toilet cleaner. dont mix bleach and toilet cleaner - youll make a nasty gas thats toxic and will make you feel ill/dizzy.

if theres hairs in the plug hold then pull them out. if its blocked use a plunger. if you use the plunger and its still blocked then you need bathroom drain cleaner. etc i could go on and on

stock up on cheap disinfectant concentrate thats suitable for fabrics, bleach, bathroom cleaning essentials, washing up liquid, etc

bathrooms should be cleaned weekly - wipe down sinks countertops etc, scrub the inner toiler with toilet cleaner and a brush, wipe down the toilet too, scrub the bath with a light scourer (not a metallic scrubber, just a plastic scourer, metallic scrubber might scratch your bath) and bathroom cleaner etc. spray some on the floor too and wipe it down, just stand on a rag and slide around and boom you're done in no time lol

wood furniture can be cleaned with a multi purpose cleaner, then wiped down with a nice wood polish to preserve the wood.

when you put hot mugs/plates down, use a hotplate.

etc

barooka · 2020-02-17T08:22:11+00:00

Next time he says something to do, just say yes and see if you can solve the problem yourself. If you can’t in 15 minutes then ask for directions. You need to slowly tell yourself that it’s okay for you to pick things up as you go. Make it a habit and be more aware of what you’re doing

Danibani13 · 2020-02-17T15:36:43+00:00

Have you ever been screened for ADD or anything like that?

Imaskinnybitchyall · 2020-02-17T18:58:07+00:00

I have struggled with this my whole life, and the only thing that works for this ADD brain, is to make a list, on paper, that's very detailed.

If someone says, "do the dishes" they actually mean:

Wipe the counters and stove.

Unload and reload the dish washer

Hang up any oven mitts left out, put away spices, ect.

Sweep and mop the floor

Dry any dishes in drainer, wash any that can't fit or be washed in the dish washer.

Make coffee for the next day.

Run the disposal, scrub the sink

Take out the trash

Ect, ect.

And it is overwhelming! Other people can do this in thirty minutes and it takes me ages. It annoys the hell out of my parents. Just make very detailed lists for yourself and check them off when done. Maybe have one for each room and put them in a page protector and use a wet erase marker to check them every day. This is what I did when my mom had to go back to work and I was in charge of all housework at 9. (My siblings sucked more than my parents, this wasn't supposed to be a Cinderella situation.)

Pola_Lita · 2020-02-18T01:49:20+00:00

For the time being, forget all the labels and psychological concepts. If you leave a mess in the tub, have Bf say "Hey, go clean the tub." Then, you go clean the tub and don't forget next time that the state of the tub is important.

You've been spoiled by someone who cares a lot about you and probably didn't realize the level of care they were providing was also giving you the impression that many things just take care of themselves. I'm guessing this because your behavior sounds a lot like my own :)

It's not a big issue and your intelligence hasn't been damaged. And don't be surprised to find that over time you've developed a preference for one way (they do it for you) over another (you have to do it), AKA "mental blocks", "anxiety", or other processes that end with them learning it's a lot easier to do it themselves. Sometimes it will be a BIG pain but remember it can be fixed. He has to learn to give you time to relearn and you have to learn to get ready to scamper when he says "Hey..." It might be really irritating at first but Just remember it will be better for both of you.

2020-02-17T08:43:08+00:00

Perhaps stick to doing things that you know you can do to a decent standard in terms of helping out? If you have a friend or relative who is handy around the house you could get them to teach you a few things before trying to do them on your own at his place.

Jussiemariee · 2020-02-17T12:33:06+00:00

I have pretty poor executive function skills. I struggle, and my house is not perfect but definitely passable.

My first suggestion would be to simplify, I am not sure what you used to clean the tub, but I use Dawn dish soap to clean everything. I figure if it does not get totally rinsed, at least it is just dish soap. I don't have to worry about bleach/ammonia interaction because again, it's just dish soap. I don't have to worry about leaving it out and hurting my kids or pets.

I have always dreamed of coaching women with poor executive function skills, as I've learned a lot over the years, but I've never got it off the ground, so if you have any questions about thriving with executive function disorder let me know, maybe I can help.

2020-02-17T03:21:17+00:00

[removed]

Title	I'm a bit of an airhead. I unintentionally create more work for my boyfriend.
Author	digitalvoid
Upvotes	38
Comments	25
Date	February 17, 2020 3:15 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/f528wn/im_a_bit_of_an_airhead_i_unintentionally_create/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/im-a-bit-of-an-airhead-i-unintentionally-create.337743 https://theredarchive.com/post/337743

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