She became an alpha-widow while young. A decade later, she is hitting the wall and is unable to settle for anyone less than him.

Cavannah · 2018-10-23T17:12:20+00:00

Every new statement or paragraph contradicts the previous.

“I want everything that I don’t have, but I’m happy with where I am.”

“I’m unhappy with what I have.”

“I only have myself, but I completely love myself.”

“I’m intelligent and independent.”

“I can’t get over my total emotional dependency on this person.”

It’s as if cognitive dissonance became personified.

Make no mistake here: this person has painted themself into an emotional corner with the brush of feelings and dependency.

She’s now dealing with the fallout of her actions (known by previous generations as “consequences”), and is desperately trying to rationalize her way out of a position that she didn’t rationalize herself into, that was instead fomented and perpetuated entirely by and around feeling.

This is not something that can be done, as illustrated by the likes of the current American political sphere: you cannot rationalize someone out of a position that they did not rationalize themselves into.

The way you change the mind of a cognitively dissonant person who operates on emotion is by changing their mood. This lovely lady in the OP is just cruising for her next “mood” to come along and make everything just peachy, forever.

She doesn’t know necessarily how she got to where she is, and so she’s desperate for someone to come along and make everything right, just like Mr. Alpha that she can’t get over.

ClockworkOrange92618 · 2018-10-23T17:22:37+00:00

As a teenager, I met a man and had an on-off relationship with him for a decade. He was unfaithful and dishonest, but also handsome, charming and interesting. He moved away but we stayed in touch.

Handsome/charming/interesting > faith and honesty, apparently. It took this man moving away for her to finally break it off, because she didn't have the willpower LOL

For the past year, he has been telling me that he is in love with me and wants to be with me. I’ve made it clear that I want to move on, but I love him and it’s been difficult. Even now, in my late 20s, when I see or speak to him, I feel the way I did when we first met. I feel shame that I love him because he isn’t able to give me what I want: an honest, committed, loving partner, marriage, a child and a home. My friends and family say I should cut him out of my life – yet I have been unable to. I don’t think he really loves or cares for me.

DING DING DING we have a winner! He tells you whatever he needs to hear to get the pussy, and you are dumb enough to keep giving it to him. Clearly you seem to want his dick too, because you can't seem to say no to him, can you?

Recently, he told me he had a child with a woman last year. He has been living with her and trying to be a family, but says he doesn’t love her. This was a complete shock. My autopilot reaction was to congratulate him, but I felt incredibly angry and hurt. Once the shock subsided, I asked him to leave.

Here's something else that's shocking: he's married but still wants your pussy.

I am a successful, outgoing and attractive woman. I live an exciting life and (though you probably can’t tell from the tone of this) I am funny and carefree. I have since found it difficult to look at children or pregnant women and young mothers. Why did I love him? I don’t know if he is a bad person. Is he? I feel sad that I haven’t met the right man; I feel like a failure for not having a family of my own; and I also feel envious of his new life and the fact that he has experienced something very special with another woman.

I found the Strong Independent Woman, guys! She's so carefree she's crying about not having her own kids. He chose another woman to marry and have kids with, which burns our OP with seething rage at the implicit rejection.

Now, because this poster is asking another woman, she's not going to get the full answer. What this idiot needs to hear is this:

There is no good way to say this: you have wasted (and continue to waste) your 20's on a man who clearly does not want you for anything but sex. The sex was good (hence why you kept having it), but unfortunately this has ruined you for a good man because they don't want the baggage that comes from this failed relationship. You can either learn to give other men a fair chance and not compare them to to first man (unlikely), or you can settle in for a long future filled with cats and random hookups.

stephcurryftw · 2018-10-23T17:17:34+00:00

In summary: "He was a piece of shit to me but he was handsome and charming so naturally I'm in love with him and can settle for no one else. "

This sounds like a joke out of some weird comedy but we all know this is the line of thinking for a lot of women.

escalover · 2018-10-25T19:37:28+00:00

I feel shame that I love him because he isn’t able to give me what I want: an honest, committed, loving partner, marriage, a child and a home.

Well that's okay, we all know that when you do have the honest, committed, loving partner to provide you with marriage, a child, and a home, you will give him sex that's 1/4th as good as you gave to other men, at 1/10th the frequency.

StoicReflection · 2018-10-23T18:55:43+00:00

I am a successful, outgoing and attractive woman.

But are you? Are you REALLY?

redditloginfail · 2018-10-23T17:23:46+00:00

Dude's lucky he didn't get her pregnant when he was banging her. If he had done the "well i guess it's time to settle down now" thing she would have made him MISERABLE by trying to nag him into a different person. Probably what his current chick is doing.

SirKolbath · 2018-10-23T17:40:58+00:00

I don’t know what is stupider, the fact that this idiot is carrying a torch for some guy she fucked a dozen years ago, or the fact that she wrote it up and sent it to some random internet stranger for advice-- advice she is going to totally ignore.

LewisCross · 2018-10-23T20:27:04+00:00

I really think there's more women like this than we know. More women who've got someone out there, some man, might be a Chad, might just be her personal Chad. He pushed every one of her buttons juuuust right. He lit her up like a Christmas tree. He tingled her so hard she visibly vibrated like a tuning fork. She just can't get over him, because he was just so... you know... incredibly awesomely perfect.

But for one reason or another, it just didn't work out. And those women are really in a very tough spot. Some of them leave husbands in decades long marriages and go back to their first loves. I know more than one woman who's done exactly this. Fortunately, most of them leave long time boyfriends and return to their first BFs so they're not busting up marriages with kids.

And this advice columnist gives this poor soul the best advice she can, which is

--love is not enough

--cut all contact and never ever see him again

But I know what will happen. It's what happens every time.

She will cut all contact. She'll put him out of her life. And she won't see him again. Except maybe for Facebook stalking him.

She'll meet a "great guy" who's "nice" and "good to me" and "sweet." And they'll date for a while, and then she'll turn 30 or 31. And then she will really panic. She'll tell him "we have to talk" and then lay it out: "Where are we going with this? What am I to you? Are we gonna get maaaaarrrriiiieeddd?"

They will get married. She'll have a couple of kids. They'll settle into a humdrum boring sex life.

And then she'll get another message from Chad.

That'll become two messages. To messaging every day.

Then a full blown emotional affair.

Then they'll agree to meet. After a couple of false starts, they will meet.

And it's fireworks all over again. The earth moved. The angels wept. She saw stars. She came so hard she was in danger of a brain aneurysm.

Or, even more damaging to her widowhood, she won't meet. She'll honor her marriage. She'll do the right thing.

And she will seethe with anger and resentment at her husband, who did absolutely nothing to deserve this treatment. His only crime: Not being her personal Chad. Not lighting up as many lights. Not pushing all the buttons juuust right. He just doesn't do it for her like Chad did. He can't. He will never be able to.

And she has to live the rest of her life with a man who she's just not all that sexually attracted to. Because she could never get over Chad, who sent her into the stratosphere as a college junior.

ltdshred · 2018-10-23T17:31:36+00:00

I am a successful, outgoing and attractive woman

looks at profile pic

No, you're none of these things. A blogger should stick to her own league but she wants to date up

massy525 · 2018-10-23T18:08:11+00:00

That is not an alpha window. That is a pump-n-dump delusional.

[deleted] · 2018-10-23T20:00:27+00:00

She's cum-drunk. It's that simple. Her pussy starts to itch, she visits him, gets her fill and is OK for a few weeks. Then it come back and the cycle repeats. There's no existentialism here. It's all about the 🍆. She says she's a professional, successful woman. Those are the best ones in the sack - all that pent up energy just waiting to ~~burst~~ make some biker burst.

byronshadow · 2018-10-23T21:40:45+00:00

Aren't these quasi-journalists embarrassed to air their dirty laundry in front of millions of Guardian readers like this? Also, imagine reversing the genders here and having a 29 year old man writing about how he wasted his 20's orbiting a girl who led him on or with an on-and-off relationship with a manic cheater. The female readership would be livid and frantically typing out comments about how he isn't entitled to anything.

PabloEscoba · 2018-10-23T22:40:58+00:00

She was side action for a Chad way abover her SMV. Thats what modern women have become. Eat Pray Love

DebatesNotBans · 2018-10-24T01:26:01+00:00

I met a man and had an on-off relationship with him for a decade. He was unfaithful and dishonest, but also handsome, charming and interesting. He moved away but we stayed in touch.

I want to move on, but I love him and it’s been difficult.

feel shame that I love him because he isn’t able to give me what I want: an honest, committed, loving partner, marriage, a child and a home. My friends and family say I should cut him out of my life – yet I have been unable to. I don’t think he really loves or cares for me.

Remember kids: You can be dishonest and cheat on a girl for 10 years straight, but as long as you're hot, she will completely fall in """"""""""love"""""""""" with you, and go out of her way to rationalize to herself that she actually loves you. She can even be self aware that you dont love or even give the slightest of shits about her, BUT as long as you're hot, she'll gladly be there.

1) Be attrctive

2) Dont be unattrctive

WHY ARE WE HERE? JUST TO SUFFER?

Undead_Chronic · 2018-10-23T17:14:15+00:00

Im definitely doing a video on this train wreck

The__Tren__Train · 2018-10-23T17:22:55+00:00

ALL HAIL THE BLUE WHALE

muricanwerewolf1 · 2018-10-23T19:59:44+00:00

I wonder if this confusion is due in part to the cultural relativism that’s been foisted on us, where men who leave their families are still good fathers, men who don’t commit and play with a woman’s emotions can still be good men, etc. Everything she’s said paints a picture of an emotionally empty shell of a man, a totally self absorbed animal yet this woman still clings to the idea that there’s actually a man there.

Also, her reaction to the news that this man is living with a woman and child but doesn’t love them isn’t shock and disgust, but rather fully self centered, as if he’s betrayed her rather than his family. Not only that, but she thinks the correct response is congratulations, as if the man sharing her bed deserves this family.

What the fuck.

freckledfox01 · 2018-10-23T20:30:09+00:00

Weak bitch , I hate women like this.

houseoftolstoy · 2018-10-23T18:49:09+00:00

As a teenager, I met a man and had an on-off relationship with him for a decade. He was unfaithful and dishonest, but also handsome, charming and interesting.

She values looks and "excitement" over virtue, and surprise, she is unsatisfied with him as a long term partner. If she values virtue, there would have just been an off-relationship right away.

One part of the response I want to address:

Most of us have been there (I have), with an entirely unsuitable partner who, at times, can feel so right. And, up to a point, that’s OK: it can teach us who we are, what we want, what we don’t want. It can be fun initially, but ultimately we have to leave because, long-term, these relationships erode your self-esteem.

Here is where it would be valuable to have terms defined. How far does "to a point" go? If that means it gets to the point where she is knocking boots with the guy in mind, this would be the wrong mindset to have, whether that means she is still with the guy for longer than she should have been, whether she is quick to sleep with a guy, or both of those things. Also, the "fun initially" gives me concern as well, since our modern society is far more loose with the idea of promiscuity being fun while failing to account for the consequences of that "fun."

One major recurring issue I have with advice is that it is often too vague, which means that it is interpreted in many different ways, often with an interpretation that is most convenient rather than most helpful. Perhaps it is more vague in attempt to not hurt anyone's feelings, but that just gives you more of the same problems. I believe that direct, more practical advice should be given even if it hurts. To the author's credit, she does advise this woman to cut off all contact with this man, but that does not remedy the earlier issue. That issue being how long this woman and others like her invest time in men who are clearly not going to be long term relationship material. The practical advice I think is most important is that no one should invest time with somneone they know does not have the same long term goals. So if marriage is your desired goal, spend no time dating someone who has no intentions of marriage themselves. That is, find out early whsmat their views are and what their goals are. Fear of scaring off someone because their goals are different than yours means you are saving time. No trying to change someone into what you want them to be. It saves time and makes most everyone happier.

And no ladies, sleeping with a guy hoping he will want to commit to you is also a stupid idea. Especially if he already stated he does not want that. With this lady, I am guessing she already knew these things, but thought she would be able to change this man. While there was no mention that she had sex with him, I would bet she did, hence the strong attachment.

newDerivur · 2018-10-23T19:39:32+00:00

Good luck to the simps who will break their back with this baggage.

Westernhagen · 2018-10-24T00:37:25+00:00

"Most of us have been there (I have), with an entirely unsuitable partner who, at times, can feel so right."

The specific time when it "feels so right" is when Chad has mounted up and is pumping away...

orcscorper · 2018-10-24T02:07:05+00:00

"I am a successful, outgoing and attractive woman."

In what reality is this true?

Cristoff13 · 2018-10-24T02:29:14+00:00

She only been with him for fairly short periods of time, because it seems he leaves when he starts getting bored. Thus she's never gotten a chance to get bored with him.

Meanwhile he flits in and out of her life at random intervals in a whirlwind of drama and excitement and feelz. Its a positive reinforcement cycle, like those experiments when an animal is given a positive reward at random times.

So she's hooked on what is mostly a fantasy. No real life man can compete.

Nov51605 · 2018-10-24T02:32:14+00:00

whoa ! she self authenticates that she is "young and attractive" ?
https://www.google.com/search?q=annalisa+barbieri&num=100&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS769US769&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi8gdOahJ7eAhXBnuAKHWVwCgAQ_AUIDygC&biw=1200&bih=690

she looks like she's pushin fuckin forty and she is attractive in a roseanne barr kinda way

FutureSquall · 2018-10-25T16:09:19+00:00

In all honestly do we really want people like this to settle at ALL? Hell I say let her stay in her own delusional world.

[deleted] · 2018-10-23T19:35:21+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Ghustgan · 2018-10-24T13:19:52+00:00

Sometimes you have to learn the hard way, sure. That makes sense. But that's just ONE chance. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

But over a decade? She's crazy and she deserves this because she's choosing this, end of story.

Title	She became an alpha-widow while young. A decade later, she is hitting the wall and is unable to settle for anyone less than him.
Author	MastersBlaster
Upvotes	157
Comments	75
Date	October 23, 2018 5:01 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen/comments/9qqww5/she_became_an_alphawidow_while_young_a_decade/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen/she-became-an-alpha-widow-while-young-a-decade.348140 https://theredarchive.com/post/348140

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