TLDR; Despite reading this shit for over 2 years, I still allowed myself to be cucked after falling in love with a girl. This is my story

I first came across the TRP a few years ago as we do, looking for answers about how to win a girl back. Despite gaining immense pleasure by reading the posts on here and looking forward to my new life, I realized I still have a lot of work to do. This is definitely a rant describing my blue pill behavior, but I'd like to thank this sub for waking me the fuck up about how BP I've been throughout my life. I know many of you are going to cringe while reading this, but let this be an example for other guys in similar situations.

I was driving to NYC last night, crying my balls out over a girl who probably couldn't care less about me. We dated for a few months, we went through the honeymoon phase and everything was good. The goodnight texts, sleeping together a few times a week, regular sex, talking all day, kissing each other goodbye. The fairy tale came crashing down when she told me she fucked her emotionally abusive ex boyfriend (as described by her) in an empty classroom a few weeks earlier. That should have been enough, but I forgave her and continued to date her because I loved her, and thought we could put it behind us. She said she didn't feel 'wanted', and her crying made me feel she actually regretted it. I didn't realize how much of a beta cuck I still am despite the fact I've been trying to internalize the principles of this sub for over a year now. She is a few years younger than me, but showed pretty much every trait that's been described in past posts on here. The moment I gave her the slightest bit of trouble, she jumped the cock carousel to date a new guy she just met, and whom she'd already been talking to before breaking up with me.

The new guy ended up dumping her because of her selfish attitude, so she came back to me for solace. She ended up sleeping over at my house every week for the next few months, and allowed me to fuck her in return for favors. It was pretty much transactional sex, I drove her to and from the city, bought her food, and was basically her uber driver and provider. (We live in the suburbs and she doesn't own a car) The strangest thing was, she just used to get naked and lie next to me, and allow me to do as I please with her body, but I wasn't allowed to kiss her. This went on for a few months, till I recently freaked out on her about not giving a fuck about me unless she wanted a favor. I don't know why I expected otherwise? She had been fucking other guys, she ditched me for another guy, and had cheated on me when we dated, but I still allowed her to use me for months after. I knew I was being used, but kept rationalizing the fact that we were fucking at least once a week, so it was worth it. The moment she stopped giving me sex, I called her out on her behavior and basically made things sour between us. I was incredibly angry that the only times she spoke to me was when she wanted me to pick her up, or to ask me for assistance with something. If I ever reached out to her at other times, she responded with one word. When we were in person, things were alright because we were comfortable with each other. I still felt unhappy because I wouldn't hear from her unless we had a plan that involved me driving her someplace.

The key points here are, I willingly allowed myself to be mr betabux and expected her emotional support in return. I went out of my way to do things for her, and expected her to love me for it. I kept hoping for things to be as they were when we were dating, but it was pretty much an FWB deal that would end soon. She has a long string of exes, and has never really been single for more than a month at a time. Her exes all orbit around her, and she recently fucked another of her exes from over 2 years ago, after her and I had an argument. The more I think about it, the more I feel I should just be mad at myself, rather than act like I'm some kind of victim here. I had enough reasons to end the relationship, and despite being continually disrespected and used, I kept going ahead with it. I felt that things would get better, but I have no idea why I expected them to be so. And now that I told her how I really felt, of course she decided we should part ways. I kind of dug my own grave here, and I hope I can learn from this and move on. I have been reading the posts on here for a while, but never really was able to apply them in my own life. Thanks to you guys for the knowledge though, I have changed my opinions on many aspects of life based on what I've read on here.