Question for LTR refugees

Mac290 · 2017-06-19T14:00:28+00:00

Married almost 10. Honestly the ache I felt was always my ego, and not her. She was and is awful, and when I realized that I was able to put it to bed. But my pride was irrevocably wounded, so that will always be there. After a couple of years and a ton of other women (red-pill fueled), it's barely noticeable.

You control your thoughts, so you just need to find a tactic to push out negativity. Hobbies can do it. Friends can do it. Some strange can do it.

jupiter6666 · 2017-06-19T10:59:28+00:00

I think the rule of thumb is it takes about as long to get over as however long you were together. So it should take you 16 years.

I know it took me two years to finally get fully over my two year relationship.

fmanly · 2017-06-19T14:04:14+00:00

I was married a bit under 15 years, and a year later I'm still getting over it. Granted, I'm a widower and not a divorcee, so the situation is a bit different (no hostile breakup, no temptation to try to go back). I do tend to suspect that if things hadn't worked out the way they did with my wife's health I might very well have been facing a divorce at some point (hard to branch swing when nobody wants you).

I don't really miss my marriage as it was so much these days, but I do sometimes miss my marriage in the sense of what I had gone into it hoping for. I imagine that is probably a common sentiment around here - no man goes into a marriage expecting a divorce. Sometimes there is a tendency to think about the good things, but when that happens I also try to balance that by remembering that it wasn't all pretty roses, and I was pretty used in that relationship.

That said, I do have a lot of compassion for my wife: she had to endure a lot. My personality is relatively beta so for the most part I just put up with the abuse, but perhaps that was easier since due to her health issues I knew that it was only a matter of time before things ended and divorce wasn't as likely. One of the hardest things for me to adjust to is not having my life revolve around her, and figuring out what I want to do with my life.

One thing that I have figured out, is that finding another girlfriend/wife/etc is not the solution.

OldRoad · 2017-06-19T14:52:48+00:00

But there's always this almost academic rumination over the fact that a good thing ended, that she broke up the band for reasons I'll never be able to grasp.

I believe I've found your problem.

-- You're still in DENIAL... You're still DELUSIONAL.

You still stuck in the fantasy that it was a "good" thing -- when in reality it was (factually) a FAKE (false, fraudulent) thing.

You even note that in YOUR prior sentence:

Hell, I couldn't go back to her if she begged me; I know too much now.

I'm presuming here that the "know too much" is not simply a reference to general "red pill/AWALT" knowledge... but rather to the (REAL) "FACT" that her actual behavior during your married years was NOT what you thought it was at that point in time -- IOW, your perceived "good thing" (the proverbial "band" she broke up) was all a fraud.

You were in effect being "gas-lighted" you just don't want to admit/accept that.

-- How long will it take for you to "recover"? Depends on how long you CHOOSE to take to accept the actual reality (versus the "sugar coated fantasy" version) -- and then how long it takes you to realize you need to MOVE ON from it, (and build a NEW LIFE) -- rather than (as you are currently doing) continue to "wallow in" and depress yourself over what you feeeeeeel you have "lost."

UncleDisgusting · 2017-06-19T17:10:51+00:00

I was together with my last relationship (as in, last ever) since 1998. We were married in early 2005. In 2013, she dropped a grenade on me out-of-the-blue, despite being Atticus Finch, Mufasa, Dr. Cliff Huxtable (before any of the recent Cosby news) and Ward Fucking Cleaver, all rolled into one, she was unhappy. She pulled a Pearl-Harbor Job on me in early 2015 by packing up all of my stuff, despite no indication that things were going wrong, and, falsely telling me she as open to counselling. A lie. She just wanted out.

She didn't know what she wanted.

Yup. Same old garbage, different dumpster. I could have replayed everything differently, and ended up with the same results despite being held to vastly higher standards than any other man in her life, before or after me.

I'm obviously not 100% better yet, as I'm still rightly pissed. I could have had nearly 20 years of my life back, and by now, I would have bought that house I was looking at, before the relationship, and had the mortgage mostly paid off. Among other things.

However, I am enjoying life much more now that I've had time to simmer down. So, for me, it's been 2 years, and I'd say I'm almost on the mend. At some point, I will write down my entire story, and publish it where it will do the most harm or good. It's going to sound like bullshit, or a mix of Walter Mitty and Bruce Almighty, but, 100% true. Once my story is out there, I'll feel perfect!

NoThirst · 2017-06-19T21:54:35+00:00

Married 35 years....it came completely out of left field...we had never once discussed divorce or her being "unhappy"...but a week later i went thru the computer and found it. Was having an affair with a close family friend...the husband of her BEST friend. She finally admitted it had been on for 5-1/2 yrs. She traveled constantly to eff him under the guise of visiting her dad who was dying of cancer. Marriage...destroyed...2 families destroyed...but she still went after and got half of everything I owned, including my pension. One month of shock...a year of anger...2-1/2 years later...now...acceptance. She's in a different state and has little to do with our adult kids...I plan on never having to speak to the whore again.

hbPUA · 2017-06-19T14:37:23+00:00

Try meditation and brazillian jiu-jitsu. Or start a business. Or do all of the above. Just keep busy and it will eventually pass.

See it as a path through a grass field. The more you travel on a particular path, the more it will wear down and the easier it will be travel it. Just as with thoughts. The more you think of one thing, the stronger the neurological connections get.

Also, to quote Dante Nero:

"It takes five bitches to forget a bitch."

So get over her and by fucking five new girls. Then go your own way.

mercwithamagicsword · 2017-06-19T14:47:48+00:00

Everytime I am forced to interact with mine makes it easier to remember why we aren't together, in some ways I'm thankful I wasn't the "she left me for him/I wasn't good enough" story, because I don't have that baggage but back when I was still trying out relationships she really made it hard for me to not be paranoid that women were just using me like she did. Now that I'm alone its easier to see that all women do that, some are just more aggressive than others. The women who get mad at me for not initiating a relationship will always say "it isn't fair she ruined relationships for you, I'm different". To which I reply "that's what the last one said too".

TheBiss · 2017-06-19T15:00:26+00:00

Married 20 years. Found out she was cheating and kicked her out in July. By November I was ready to date again. So four months? She'd cheated before, and like an idiot I thought she would change. Went through counseling and all that BS. A couple months after she moved out, she said to me, "You're taking this remarkable well." Kept my frame and said, "I had a dress rehearsal for this five years into our marriage. I knew what to expect emotionally, was prepared for it, and have gotten over it. Have fun with the kids this weekend."

PabloEscoba · 2017-06-19T14:18:23+00:00

Took me days to forget her. Women are not capable of love,they only care about provisioning and utility. She doesnt give a damn about your personality or hobbies. She only cares about your resources and bragging to ber friends on Instagram. Why would you miss such a creature.

LetsGoAllTheWhey · 2017-06-19T15:22:34+00:00

About three days after we split and it sunk in, my first thought was the famous MLK quote "Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty I am Free At Last!"

cleats4u · 2017-06-19T16:19:59+00:00

It's a natural inclination for men to want to be with a woman. It's a biological addiction. It's why your eyes instinctively look at a womans ass or tits. She could be a 5 carat bitch and have a fuggy face and you would still want to fuck it if she has a good body. This addiction overrides everything else. It motivates you to go to college, earn money, risk divorce rape and even to die for it. It's strong shit but it can be overcome. I always like to think 20 minutes of pleasure for a lifetime of misery. Keeps my addiction in check.

Antingly · 2017-06-19T17:18:13+00:00

You are NOT sentenced to X years of misery because you had a relationship Y years long. There are averages, but it is way more in your control than you may realize.

It's easiest to not feel remorse when your life is better in every way. That's always my goal post any breakup. I was with her for 8 years. Irrational for 6 months, slowly better for 6, and now a couple years afterwards I just thank my stars my train changed tracks because that old one was headed off a cliff.

Whenever you feel down, it's a great opportunity. Look at the emotion, figure out what its real core is, and then ask yourself what you would need to do to change that. Do you need to believe something different? Brainwash that new belief in via repetition and spending time around people who think that way. Do you need to change your actions? What's the easiest thing you can do to start? Just don't let the opportunities to figure yourself out pass you by and if you really get stuck, ask a friend for help. We're all brothers.

Joel928 · 2017-06-19T17:54:20+00:00

Yes, there MAY be day when she is totally forgotten, but that is ON YOU - and every relationship and person is different. My first 6-year LTR in my 20's took me a good 8-9 years to become completely apathetic about. Why so long? I was locked-in to my identity. I didn't understand what self-improvement was, and I was too arrogant to care.

More recently, a 1-year LTR in my 40's that I thought would lead to children still haunts me 2.5 years later - but again, this varies depending on the woman, the quality of the relationship, and where I am as a man. For example, I had another 6-year LTR in my 30's which was truly over the day I broke-up with her. I almost never thought about her again.

It's important to understand that "getting over her" means that YOU have changed as a person, not just your living situation or legal status with a woman. You are still not over your Ex because YOU are still very much the same person as when you were together.

The key then, is self-improvement. Evolution.

I have come such a long way as a man that I do not recognize the person I was in my 20's, 30's, or even early-40's. As such, when I look back at former relationships, I find them to be pathetic and ridiculous - because I find my former self to be ridiculous. I would NEVER have relationships with women like that today, but I could not see that at the time.

The lesson here is that in order to get over women, you MUST make yourself a better man. If you do not evolve, if you do not improve, you will NOT get over her.

PowwowRangerReject · 2017-06-19T18:14:43+00:00

Married 20, divorced 10. Took 7 of those years to get over the faithless, backstabbing ****. Losing the children was fucking devastating, but getting them back and watching her life go into the toilet helped tremendously. Now it's just her, her worthless unemployed penis, and a crappy RV in one of the hottest places on earth.

Muginns · 2017-06-19T13:32:37+00:00

Married 11 years, I was over her way before I left. Sorry, not much help.

CIAC50 · 2017-06-19T13:37:03+00:00

After 19 years of 2 nd marriage I was stoic and decided to adopt a minimalist lifestyle which required some adaptation. This process consumed a lot of time and focus. Moving to a small apartment, leaving behind a load of stuff for her to dispose of or move to a new home since the house was sold. When you're busy there's no time to get maudlin ( like I did the first time) . One thing that I learned from earlier counselling, that you are unlikely to ever find out the reason for her actions. When I sorted the lifestyle choice of downsizing I could eat healthy and exercise frequently and go my own way.

qt4x11 · 2017-06-19T14:53:18+00:00

/u/OneLostMotherfucker I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling emotionally. I would've hoped to hear after 4-5 years you would be more at peace with it.

I am going through the divorce process right now, it feels like I'll never be ok with it. Did you have kids? How did you manage to get yourself back on track financially? I'm taking a big hit right now in terms of retirement and child support.

antishock8 · 2017-06-19T19:19:58+00:00

Well, humans are social creatures. It's in our DNA. I absolutely admire men who go full on monk or at least just do their own thing without seeking the companionship of a gf or whatever. That's next level MGTOW I don't think I'm cut out for. Anyway. Social creatures. That's my answer.

Eyes_Of_The_Dragon · 2017-06-19T20:09:35+00:00

I filed so I was over her before I called my lawyer.

the_unseen_one · 2017-06-19T21:10:27+00:00

I can't fucking imagine being divorced after that long with a woman. With my last ex (and most likely last woman barring some literal angel from the heavens pursuing me) I was only with her three and a half years and a year later it still hurts like she dumped me yesterday. While I am much younger than you and have no experience with marriage, I do know a lot of older women and have seen and heard many stories from the people I know that has helped me develop a relatively logical system for understanding illogical women. Here is what I did that has helped give me some perspective and understanding about being dumped:

-Women only value you for your resources.

Resources here mean pretty much anything you can offer her, from the obvious money and material goods, to safety and security, to less tangible things like good looks, attention, or whether or not you provide sufficient emotional stimulus to her daily. Women only want men for these resources, and they want them for them minimum buy in on her part. They rarely do it consciously, but women always view men as a cost to benefit arrangement, and shit like love or loyalty does not factor into that, as the love and loyalty is contingent on your providing her sufficient resources. This is why you as a man can think things are fine in the relationship as there hasn't been any sign of trouble, and then be blindsided with a dumping or a divorce and not be able to understand it. I won't pretend to know the specifics of your divorce, but if you view things from this lens, you may begin to find reason to what seemed previously to be a nonsensical disruption of your relationship.

As for if it ever gets better, I think it does but it will never go away completely. Men love much more than women, and we get attached much more than women since our love is for the person, not their resources. From what I've seen, old LTRs are like a bad wound; they'll eventually stop bleeding, scab, and scar over, but they'll always have the occasional dull ache and itch that every bad scar gets. I know I sort of rambled, but hopefully this can give you a little solace.

squidracer · 2017-06-19T22:01:51+00:00

Was together over six years, but I basically couldn't stand her those last couple. Plus I started into mgtow before the split.

I still thought about her allot for up to a year, but never had any desire what so ever to take her back. We met up one day a couple months after the split with her kid. Took 20 minutes before I kicked her out of my house the second and last time

GwarvoBurger · 2017-06-20T02:14:50+00:00

I got over because my the way I look at it, my relationship with my ex-wife took up about 9 years of my life. However if I dont get over it, it's going to take away from the rest of my life too. And life is too short for that.

Question for LTR refugees

Comments

-- You're still in DENIAL... You're still DELUSIONAL.

That IS a truly solid point (and a somewhat different -- but closely parallel -- "problem").

Title	Question for LTR refugees
Author	OneLostMotherfucker
Upvotes	53
Comments	41
Date	June 19, 2017 10:51 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MGTOW
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MGTOW/comments/6i5nf0/question_for_ltr_refugees/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MGTOW/question-for-ltr-refugees.580131 https://theredarchive.com/post/580131