Many people talk about social anxiety (and anxiety in general) like it’s one of the biggest mysteries in the universe. Everything from diet to exercise to psychotherapy is offered up as a solution to this vexing condition, often with only temporary results. The issue with these (and other) palliatives is they’re reactive. They put a band-aid over the issue instead of forcibly ripping out its roots.

Let’s start with the common understanding of social anxiety. What are people so afraid of, exactly? The higher-order fears seem to be a combination of loneliness, abandonment, unfulfilling relationships, bullying, sexual frustration, and low social-status. But before we even get there – to the worst case scenarios – let’s start with the nuts of bolts of basic conversation. After all, that’s where socializing actually occurs (i.e. where the rubber meets the road.)

When you converse with someone, you agree to temporarily share the same space. For this reason, socializing is kind of like living with roommates. Even if the other person is great, your proximity to him/her means you’ll have to deal with some amount of their “shit” or “baggage.” I mean this in a physical sense – bad breath, poor hygiene etc. – but even more so in a subtle way. If you’re talking to someone who’s an asshole or a know-it-all or a psychopath, they make you feel uncomfortable. Instead of just getting to relax and enjoy yourself, you now have to deal with this guy’s aggressive need to be right or this woman’s insecure pleas for validation. Simply put, many people can be a pain to be around for a thousand different reasons (not saying I’m any different).

For this reason, we develop Frame. A frame is basically the boundary that defines what is “acceptable” in conversation. If someone crosses this threshold, it’s not that you have to fight them or anything –you simply let them know they transgressed, or you just end the conversation. Sometimes people assume I support Liberal Progressivism and start ranting about Trump and how evil white people are. In this situation, I don’t even try to argue, I just kill the conversation and walk away.

Now, we all understand this to some extent: personal insults, outright condescension, etc. aren’t tolerable for even the most anxious people. A strong Frame, though, does more than block out these types of obvious transgressions. It also filters out negativity, codependence, insanity, manipulation, general weirdness, and most importantly other people’s power plays. Basically, anything that upsets your internal freedom and sense of wellbeing should be immediately rejected by your Frame/firewall.

The key here is that this process is defensive. In other words, you are not “judging” what someone says and then deciding whether it’s “right” or “cool.” Although this may seem powerful and assertive, it requires you to think (which breaks Frame) and actually puts you in a reactive position.

The way to naturally socialize is to first and foremost enter the conversation with the intention of preserving your own internal Freedom. This is your number one priority, even above getting the girl’s number or making new friends. If you allow your Freedom to be violated, these things will become much harder any ways and you’ll find the connections you do make aren’t that fulfilling. Making internal freedom your number one priority means that Shit Tests (for people new to TRP, a shit test is a slight from a woman intended to test your poise, or Frame) will simply bounce off you. You don’t even take them seriously, because the idea of putting some stranger you just met five minutes ago up on a pedestal seems absurd.

That’s Great, But What Exactly Is a Frame? I Don’t Have a Freaking Force Field Around Me..

Frame is expressed in your words, body language, eye contact, and actions. Again, it’s how you subtly communicate the ground rules of the conversation’s shared space with the other person (or group). A strong Frame comes from a legitimate desire for internal Freedom, not from the need to manipulate others. A true Alpha is actually above manipulation, since manipulation means you have to give a shit about what others think of you and waste lots of energy trying to mislead them. It’s much easier, and more “Alpha” to simply prize your own Freedom above all else. People then respect you as a strong and autonomous individual and will want to be in your presence, so you’ll still get friends and girlfriends, etc.

What Do You Mean By “Internal Freedom?”

Especially in socially competitive atmospheres (like a college campus), conversations with new people involve a “feeling out” process. If people feel they are higher in the pecking order than you, they will often subtly assert dominance. They might cut you off once or twice, only talk about themselves, zone out during a story you’re telling, etc. Sometimes the dominance is a lot more obvious, too.

Now, hierarchies exist, so it’s best not be Blue Pill and get “offended” by these types of behaviors. Lower status is usually deserved and reacting to it emotionally or lashing out isn’t going to get you anywhere. The proper response is to refocus on Frame and Freedom. If someone is signaling dominance, understand this is an attempt to restrict your ability to act. They are subtly saying: “You’re not really worth my time. Either gratify my ego and listen to what I have to say, or shut up.”

You don’t have to agree to gratify any one’s ego. You can’t change your status/reputation overnight, but you can always not be submissive to the other person. Using the previous example, if someone starts looking at their watch during your story, either say something: “Didn’t realize you were in such a rush,” or wrap it up and leave. Even if you’re not Chad or “the man,” get in the habit of never being submissive while socializing.

Viewing social interactions through the lens of internal freedom gives you solid ground to stand upon. Instead of talking to people with the shallow reason of wanting to be “cool” or a “ladies man,” you now are coming from your innermost self and acting without pretension. This is true confidence. People greatly admire this quality and, if you have a stern Frame that makes it clear you can't be dominated, people will want to be around you and will even admire you.

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