I'm one of those "lonely guys" at clubs, how can I end this cycle?

theoriginalmypooper · 2018-03-24T15:12:09+00:00

As a software engineer, you already know how confidence comes from the ability to do something well over and over again. You need to apply the same principle to women. Currently, you pick certain times of the week to talk to them. Plus, you go to a specific social situations such as a club.

Be social everywhere. Having fun should be your outcome. Sex or a relationship will come when you stop focusing on it as an end goal.

Also, when you go to a club you should stop drinking. I was lucky to meet some of the PUA’s you heard about in the early 2000‘s. They rarely drink when they went out.

I would highly recommend to immediately approach a girl you want to meet. If you don’t, you’re going to overthink it in a negative way and up doing nothing. Believe me, I’ve done it tons of times and it sucks, especially when you realize your only real fear is the fear you create.

“Rejection is better than regret.”- Pook

VasiliyZaitzev · 2018-03-24T15:45:10+00:00

A. You are using alcohol as a crutch. Set a hard limit on the # of drink you have in a night. That limit should be "2" or "3", maximum.

B. Daygame

I find "gaming" to be self-compromising and a horrible world to live in.

C. No, you find "competing" to be difficult. Because it is. And you basically never stop, so get used to it.

leaveitaloneitsfine · 2018-03-24T16:42:07+00:00

models is one of the worst re-writes of mystery method in existence. it does not explain how attraction works in a concise way. just read mystery's shit it's the OG (m3 model).

The mere thought of doing that for the sole purpose of meeting girls makes me feel gross.

it's easier to think it's "gross" than be terrified and feel like a loser. don't make excuses. it's OK to be low smv. it's OK to not know how attraction works. it's OK to feel like total shit because you're missing out banging thots. you aren't at fault for not knowing any of this. most of us got a shit hand in this regard. but now you can change it.

What the hell do I do in this situation?

you can certainly do slow exposure where you approach girls and ask for the time, then ask for the time + ask how she's doing, etc.

but my advice would be to go out with a friend you trust. hand him $1,000 (or whatever is a lot of money to you) in cash while your anxiety is low so you can't back out (maybe earlier in the day). you get back $100 for each cold approach you make. he chooses the girls/sets, and you have to move within 3 seconds of his picks.

stylesm11 · 2018-03-24T16:54:17+00:00

My dude, you don't understand your value, you are a fucking software engineer, if you are the least bit attractive you're already a heavy hitter bringing success and some attractiveness. If you are approaching someone IGNORING THEIR BEAUTY, most likely you have much more depth / interests about you from the get go, just REALIZE

htbf · 2018-03-24T15:39:55+00:00

Do you have male friends?

mental_models · 2018-03-24T19:58:38+00:00

get with some 3's or 4's now.

NOW!

women are not scarce. There's no reason you should go another week without a plate.

Start with a 3or4, don't catch oneitis, get two more 3 or 4's, then once you have three plates, upgrade whenever you have the opportunity.

You need to work your way through the minor leagues.

no more excuses

no more exaggerating the problem to yourself in a negative feedback loop

there is a 3 or 4 out there for you to fuck within the next 10 business days. Get to work. Report back or message me with your field report.

[deleted] · 2018-03-24T16:12:57+00:00

Get some wingmen. Single guys from work that you go out to the sports bar, or regular bar with and play pool, darts and shuffleboard to have a good time.

Chat with women, invite them to a men v. women game, mixed gendered teams, whatever. Have fun and the women will follow.

CypressSmallz · 2018-03-24T18:20:05+00:00

Remember this, you have a rich inner world that you love, if you can love it so can other people, and if they don’t they’ll admire your passion.

Have you ever mat someone who was insanely passionate about what they do? You probably didn’t even like what they did but their passion is what you remembered bc of how inspiring it was.

Most people never find what they love or even enjoy doing during their lives. It sounds like you have so cherish it and wear it with confidence.

Don’t worry if other people love it or not, who gives a fuck, YOU love it.

So don’t look at it as “I’m just a nerdy software engineer.”

Instead say “I’m a fucking coding wizard.” Then look at them like, yeah bitch that’s how smart I am, and smile.

Also instead of trying to force things at clubs sign up for a dodgeball league or a coed softball league. Something where you’ll be around new people who are all interested in meeting new people. Low stress no pressure.

0mnipath · 2018-03-24T23:41:35+00:00

Dude you are me but with better current career situation lol. I myself have despaired at a prospect of finding anything remote to a mate. I don't want to admit it, but I am simply too anti-social. I don't know what it is, a therapist could probably have a field day with me but in my native culture it is shameful to seek psychological help. I'm trying to wade through all this bs by reading tons of books, meditating, exploring philosophy and trying to find purpose in meaning in something other than relationships with other people since I'm so shitty at those. It's not going so well. I think my problem is that I'm afraid of people, I might have an inferiority complex.

You on the other hand, like others have mentioned in this thread, have all the things to be proud of. Your SMV is high, you simply need to accept it and flaunt it. I agree with another poster about being less outcome driven in your quest for women. But that's the part I've never understood myself. As a pragmatic and logical person it doesn't make any fucking sense to me how to get a girl by acting like you don't want to be getting with girls. I've been doing that by default for a decade and no girl ever gave 2 shits about me lol. It's a fucking mystery bro. Let me know if you discover a secret to this stuff. Seems like there is a type of men like you and I that should have some kind of specific strategy in this regard.

[deleted] · 2018-03-25T01:00:54+00:00

Look man “gaming” is not what you think it is. It has to do with expressing yourself properly. Allowing yourself to meet new people anywhere.

For me, it is finding the way i can do the same thing every day. Stability is key. Figure out what you’re good at and own it. Maybe you’re good at first impressions? Good, so get a good group of people and try to recruit new people, your friends will fill in the gaps. Nobody can do everything, we all need a little help.

Maybe somebody is very resourceful and always has the place to go, but he comes off like a douchebag sometimes and it turns people off. If you’re part of that group, you could become an asset by attracting new people. People know other people, so you can network more from here.

It’s all about learning to do new things and make new memories. If you can make each night memorable, people will wonder how you do it.

redpillclub · 2018-03-24T16:55:36+00:00

How is your social life? You mentioned you go out alone to clubs. That's the worst way to do it.

I think your time and energy would be much better spent building a social circle and an exciting life.

That's something women naturally find attractive. And you'll always have wingmen.

Carbone · 2018-03-24T17:36:09+00:00

Join an RSDclub on Facebook and go out with them

[deleted] · 2018-03-24T20:16:05+00:00

Seems like you got stuck in a for loop.

You need a break.

Ill_Will7 · 2018-03-25T04:34:00+00:00

dude your name is space ghost. go review some space ghost coast to coast. Act how he acts on his show. He talks to famous rich people and doesnt even give a shit, constantly cutting them off and putting himself first. He has an i dont care attitude and is funny as well. Pretend your space ghost and the bitches your talkin to are just on a tv screen while your on your own planet. If you dont like what you hear AFTER talking to them a lil move to the next screen/female.

[deleted] · 2018-03-24T15:58:38+00:00

Apply the same mindset you do towards education and work: You can learn everything you need to know from textbooks/TRP, but it will never prepare you for the real world unless you put yourself out there. So get rejected, and get rejected often!

It familiarizes you with shit tests and standard girl behaviour, which;
Makes you less apprehensive when someone genuinely interesting shows up, and;
After enough rejections you either become a self defeating MGTOW, or you'll start treating women like people and not like deities worthy of your praise, which allows you to;
Be yourself and assertive.

Some extra advice: Women in clubs shit test you because they don't want to sleep with some clingy beta orbiter that keeps bothering them after the deed, while women outside of clubs shit test you because they want someone with backbone and principles.

mrpoopistan · 2018-03-24T20:34:13+00:00

I find "gaming" to be self-compromising and a horrible world to live in.

Well, shit, that's your problem right there. You hate the human race and they way humans do things.

Honestly, man . . . you don't like the world. That's all there is to it. Humanity loves endless social challenges and pissing contests. You don't.

FTR, I come from a somewhat similar background, though significantly less failed. To this day, I have a somewhat similar outlook on people. Where I made a minor adjustment was in learning to treat everything as a big experiment. I enjoy figuring things out, and gaming people socially can be fun in that context.

Even when I'm doing utterly nothing at the bar, I love watching the people around me. I particularly enjoy seeing other guys do their thing trying to pick up women. It's fun to see how different interactions play out.

Over time, I've learned to fit human social interactions into my more aspie-ish worldview. For me, at least, it becomes fun to see what does or doesn't work.

for the sole purpose of meeting girls

Then don't do things for the sole purpose of meeting women. Tada! Problem solved.

Merwebb · 2018-03-25T01:38:44+00:00

Find a hobbie that puts you out there without the pressure to get your dick in the vagina.

Say, dance lessons, fishing, martial arts (consider to seriously study one), board games, whatever no matter if only guys or mixed or girls. Just create connections, be social, rub yourself into those situations.

This is the hardest part, and I know because im just in the same spot: just relax. Give yourself time and space bud.

johninthebox · 2018-03-25T15:49:42+00:00

You said it yourself. The issue is that you're insecure. You need to focus on understanding the root of that issue in yourself, and addressing it. Until you do, there's a high likelihood that what you're really seeking from these women is validation, and not intimacy and sex - which would explain why you have a hard time signaling those desires.

In my opinion, "Models" is one of the best books out there on pickup, because of it's focus on "inner game."

Another good one is "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden. Not a pickup book, but AMAZING for understanding your relationship with yourself. I would recommend everyone read that book at least once.

You need to understand and be comfortable with who you are and what you want. Then you can go around living out your desires and expressing your values and it won't even feel like work - because you'll just be expressing yourself honestly to these women.

But being honest isn't easy, not even close. You need to really know yourself, and you need to like what you see. Which is going to mean either changing yourself or accepting a lot of faults (probably both, if you're human). You need to take time to identify what's important to you, what your values are, what you want to see in a girl. Then you need to have both the confidence and the capability to not only speak but act in congruence with your chosen framework. This is all going to take a lot of time, and a lot of failure. And there's always room for improvement.

But you seem like you're on the right track. You're at least fairly self-aware, you have a good job and some healthy hobbies, you're learning and you're getting out "in the field."

I think (guessing, of course) that you are the trapping and depressing force in your life, because you are repressing your natural thoughts and behaviors in an effort to meet women. I think you need to focus on understanding why you think you need to do that, and convincing yourself that it isn't true (which it almost certainly isn't).

A big part of "Models" is seeing rejection as a tool for weeding out incompatible women. So if you're hung up on avoiding rejection, you're in for a treat with that book.

empatheticapathetic · 2018-03-24T18:35:57+00:00

Hey bro you sound like me. Same issues, age and all that shit.

Biggest breakthrough in my own personal zen and game is being out with someone. So i've been out and girls have been there for the potential taking but my confidence isn't there and neither is my desire really.

So i've used these opportunities to meet guys and become friends with them. Now i have one or two bros i am able to go out/drinking with and my game is on a different planet compared to being alone. And the social proof helps a lot. Outcome independence is there so you can really take a risk with women and have a buffer instead of being singled out as a weirdo if shit doesn't go well.

The next thing is reading the power of now. I know you probably had a look at it when you first joined TRP like i did but i finally bought a proper copy and reading it fully. It's just amazing really. Totally removing those self limiting beliefs in a really healthy way and allowing me to just be myself and not who i think i'm supposed to be based on my self perceived SMV or experience level. I'd suggest buying a second hand copy and reading it daily.

beastmodeking · 2018-03-25T02:39:50+00:00

Maybe clubs aren't your strong suit to meet women ? Why not try other venues and see which one you like. Like go to a meetup group that interest you but also has a lot of women that attend. I hear you on that liquid courage once I start drinking at a bar I don't care to talk to girls I just wanna drink so I been in your shoes before. Also I highly recommend you read all the rational male books it's well worth it. I'm not sure where you live but maybe you can get a few guys to practice taking to girls. You need to get comfortable in there presence

Ruggero88 · 2018-03-24T21:45:22+00:00

how tall are you? seriously.

Title	I'm one of those "lonely guys" at clubs, how can I end this cycle?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	66
Comments	63
Date	March 24, 2018 2:56 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/86tim1/im_one_of_those_lonely_guys_at_clubs_how_can_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/im-one-of-those-lonely-guys-at-clubs-how-can-i-end.643 https://theredarchive.com/post/643

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