How to know quickly if he’s a 50/50 guy?

level_up_always · 2020-05-28T22:55:14+00:00

say directly you want a provider usually scares them off even if that is their actual mindset. also a lot of men don't even know they're providers or the type to do so (or their ego won't let them esp with all this talk of 'simps' now) that you have to go indirectly. they could also just answer you with a yes and what's to say they change their mind or it's not just a manipulation? action is the best indicator here. you have to test him and do it many times while you're dating not just wait until marriage because it's not like they're going to flip a switch. if they're a provider they will be providing from day one and as the relationship progresses so do the stakes.

fwe23rrs · 2020-05-28T22:31:51+00:00

I think the biggest factor is finding a man that has the ability to provide for you 100%, and someone that understands the value of a stay at home mom.

I agree that after marriage you guys will essentially “share” your earnings if you’re both working, logistically that just makes the most sense. You will make decisions about how your money will be spent/saved together.

However, once you stop working to be a SAHM then the financial responsibility is going to fall on him. It’s not an absurd suggestion, and many men would feel good about being able to make a substantial living that affords them a stay at home wife. Being a stay at home mom is a never-ending job, it’s not easy and a man should feel fortunate he has a great mom raising his kids. If you choose to work, you’re both going to pay for that anyways because child care is EXPENSIVE.

Just stay away from a man that doesn’t understand the worth of a SAHM. It’s not like you’re looking to lay around and do nothing all day, guys that want a workhorse to do majority of childcare + bring home an income are not men you want in your orbit.

Not sure this is something you can vet for right away (on the first date). However when you get to the topic of your families, try to understand what the dynamic of his parents was and then discuss your own upbringing. For example, if you had a SAHM that was provided for- tell him all the benefits and how you want that for yourself and your future family.

crabbyvista · 2020-05-29T06:43:21+00:00

yes, I think I understand what you’re saying.

The marriages I know that operate the way you describe have kind of a “his money is our money, and her money is her money” philosophy going on, and it works because

1) female companionship is more valuable to men than vice versa and 2) women do way more domestic/childcare work than men, regardless of the financials, making a 50/50 financial arrangement a bad deal for the woman, as you mention.

The women in these arrangements never lose sight of this, and while they generally don’t even attempt to get Hubby to fold the socks or ferry the kids to soccer, they also completely laugh off complaints that they don’t hand over their pin money. It’s not even a bitter laugh: they act like it’s a completely ludicrous idea, as silly as expecting “Bob” to cook half the dinners and wash half the dishes! Ha!

(The “pin money” doesn’t even have to be some pitiful sum. I worked with a lady who made about 50k in her “little” job that she didn’t consider part of the household budget lol... it was for shoes and purses and vacations and lunches with the girls and redecorating the house, etc. Her husband was decently well-off, esp by small-town standards, but I think she deliberately played down the relative size of her salary vs his so he would be too embarrassed to try to grab a piece of it! kind of brilliant, now that I think of it)

They also step back at work the moment it starts to interfere in their homemaking/child rearing stuff. So there’s definitely a trade off... I don’t know any women who has a serious career on this model, at least not before she’s an empty nester.

how to vet for guys who “get” this arrangement? I’d talk to them about their moms/parents. You’re probably looking for someone who was raised by a SAHM or a near-SAHM and has fond memories of it. Bonus points if he looks up to his dad and giant bonus points if his parents are still together. As you notice, childhood modeling is so huge.

You’re also looking for a hustler, not a guy doing just enough to get by. Mr Gettin’ By is going to look to his wife to pay up, if not while the kids are babies, then as soon as they’re in school, because he doesn’t have ambitions bigger than being comfortable.

And sure, I’d wait to talk about this til he’s a little attached. In my experience, men who make a big show of ranting about how they HATE “gold-diggers” are often more prone to settling down with some actual broken birds than the average dude

I dunno exactly why, just something I notice. Desire and fear are often closely entangled, I suppose...

scared_rasebeery · 2020-05-28T23:54:53+00:00

Don't ask that comes off needy, just see if he pays for stuff regularly, man with no money issues usually pay stuff even for their friends, if he wants to score some points with you he will not let you pay when you are with him.

kwalden2 · 2020-05-29T00:08:01+00:00

Marriage money going into one pot doesn't mean a husband isn't a provider. Being okay with you staying at home for a few years with young children IS, however, one of those things that is eventually non-negotiable if that's the life you want. Your man would have to agree before you say yes to marriage. I don't think this is something you should vet for super early on, honestly. Do wait for them to "fall in love" first, and see how they feel then.

wowzerlol19 · 2020-05-29T01:19:40+00:00

Wouldn’t having 2 high incomes and paying for childcare be more worth it? At least it is for me because independence is always my favorite route

Title	How to know quickly if he’s a 50/50 guy?
Author	diamond_pie
Upvotes	40
Comments	20
Date	May 28, 2020 9:25 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gsf6eu/how_to_know_quickly_if_hes_a_5050_guy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-know-quickly-if-hes-a-5050-guy.674919 https://theredarchive.com/post/674919

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