One year of dating and no talk of the future

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2018-08-28T19:11:35+00:00

You're 30 and it's been a year. It's totally fine to bluntly, but calmly, have the "where do you see this going?" talk. It's better to know now than in another year. I'd recommend just asking, in those words. It can't get any clearer than that. If he's evasive, it's probably time to move on and be a little more upfront about your timeline in the future.

On our second date, my husband mentioned a friend who was marrying his girlfriend of several years and it very naturally segued into a discussion of what we thought was ideal. Neither of us felt threatened, because it was so early in the relationship, it could be nothing but hypothetical... and honestly, if he couldn't discuss that hypothetical, he wouldn't be ready any time soon.

CalvinRichland · 2018-08-28T20:46:59+00:00

"Do you want to get married and have a family?"

Why was this not a discussion early on? Shouldn't you know you are dating for the same reasons?

puffpuffpastries · 2018-08-29T01:02:55+00:00

In modern day western culture people have it all backwards. People should discuss their own personal life goals and aspirations on the first date. The first date should be like a job interview. Instead people develop personal feelings for one another and become invested in the relationship before they even have a concrete idea of what the other person wants to do with their life and where things are going. It makes no rational sense and it just causes unnecessary heart ache and it's such a big waste of time. Short answer is to talk to him. If you can't talk to him about this then the relationship won't go very far anyway. You have nothing to lose. If he can't deal this conversation or doesn't know what he wants to do then you are wasting what precious time you have left.

loneliness-inc · 2018-08-28T20:57:50+00:00

You're a year too late to broach the subject. You should have brought this up from the get go.

Furthermore, if you want something, speak up. Don't expect him to magically have the same priorities in life as you do.

This is obviously an important issue for you, so bring it up. Just know that it might spell the end of the relationship if you do. To put in in the words of u/girlwithabike - you need to choose what's more important, the man or the marriage. You might not get both with the same guy.

RedditResistance · 2018-09-04T05:07:11+00:00

UPDATE: So I asked him whether he was interested in starting a family because I wanted to in the next couple years. He said he does but has mostly been concerned about having the time to raise a family since he has been working long hours lately. I said I was willing to accommodate his work schedule since I work from home anyway. We talked logistics a bit then he then asked how many kids I wanted, I said 2 or 3 and he said that was fine with him.

Anyway I'm glad it worked out and didn't have to break it off since I enjoy his company.

VisitingfromJapan · 2018-08-29T19:56:41+00:00

You should have found out his plans on starting a family by the 4th or 5th date. This is part of vetting. You've left it way too long, probably in the hopes that he wasn't driven away, but now you've procrastinated so long that this has become a big issue. Yes your conversation is way overdue, but do you have any idea of where his life is going? If not, then you've done yourself a terrible dis-service and you haven't vetted very well.

Do you know anything about his future plans for his life? If you don't after one year, you seriously need to get your head out of the sand and learn a little more about this guy...

2018-09-06T20:45:25+00:00

If you are thirty, I'd strongly recommend you to freeze your eggs in case this relationship doesn't work. The pregnancy you'll be able to do at any time, the egg quality is great right now (I got 16 in a batch at 29), but after 35 will start to decline. That way, if he wants to wait a bit, you'll be able to have kids in your 40s with no problem whatsoever. Many women start having problems with their egg reserve at 35-37, and then it's harder to get good quality ones. If he isn't in a hurry because he wants to work on his career, but you can postpone your pregnancy until your 40s, your timelines may match better (in case the problem happens to be he wants to settle, but not right now).

2018-08-29T16:31:24+00:00

At 30 years old you don't have time to waste.

You can never recover lost time, remember that.

SentientApe · 2018-08-29T04:44:27+00:00

You clearly know your goals for the next 1-10 years.... What do you know of his? Have you asked about them? Career, financials, etc? What makes you think that his goals would adequately align with yours? Just because you've met his family doesn't mean that he's ready or willing to become married with kids.

pearlsandstilettos · 2018-08-29T10:28:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

IllustratorAfter5498 · 2022-11-25T00:28:41+00:00

So what happened?

Title	One year of dating and no talk of the future
Author	RedditResistance
Upvotes	17
Comments	36
Date	August 28, 2018 6:45 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9b1kip/one_year_of_dating_and_no_talk_of_the_future/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/one-year-of-dating-and-no-talk-of-the-future.67568 https://theredarchive.com/post/67568

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