What's your relationship with your HVM like?

gimmeyourbadinage · 2020-03-30T14:02:04+00:00

I've actually known mine half of my life. We had the same friend circle in high school and he was around during my 9-year waste of time relationship. Apparently he's known he's loved me since then, and I never knew. He never once butted into my relationship or even put his feelings on me. Green flag 1.

Now, we've been together for 4 years. There's a lot that he does everyday (and I'm sure things I don't even know about that he does too) to keep my life at a level that I like. He does all the cooking, and I haven't touched a dish in years (he knows I hate ruining nail polish because I do it myself). Green flag 2.

He's definitely a man that likes his solitude, doesn't enjoy roommates and has never had to take care of anything really. When my dad got sick, he dropped all that and moved out to the middle of nowhere and into my parents' basement with me to help my mom take care of my dad and my nephew. Not one complaint, not even a grimace. Just commuted to work and came home to mow the massive lawn, snow blow the half-mile driveway, climb ladders and fix things. Said he enjoyed learning what goes into owning a house before having the responsibility himself. GREEN FLAG 3.

This man, people. This man. Feeds my soul and makes my heart happy.

Edit: Green Flag 4, aka my vanity flag - he finds me cute when I'm drunk. Now this is minor and varies by person, but it means a lot to me after past relationships have acted like me being drunk was going to be a chore. I'm not a big drinker, I'm talking like on my birthday! Buzzkillers! He just keeps me from falling and makes sure I'm fed and watered and entertained and driven home safe.

eatapeach18 · 2020-03-30T16:29:39+00:00

I’m engaged to a HVM.

We met online and he did everything right. He initiated the first message. We chatted back and forth for a couple days before he asked for my number and locked me down for a Saturday night dinner date. This is really important to note: a guy who chats endlessly for weeks without ever asking you out for dinner will never actually ask you out. He’s just bored and killing time by chatting with women online and hoping they validate him and stroke his ego. If you’re doing OLD and the guy doesn’t ask for your number or for a weekend date within a few days, he’s a time-waster.

He picked me up. He drove a nice car. He came and rang my doorbell. None of that honking the horn or texting me “here.” He was handsome, well-dressed and well-groomed. He was a good listener. He didn’t ask invasive questions. He paid for dinner. Didn’t even hesitate, didn’t even look at the check. Just threw down his Amex. He dropped me off, walked me to my door, and kissed me on the cheek. I don’t do mouth kissing on a first date. A successful first date. He booked me again for the following Saturday. He deleted his OLD profile first, which was after our second date.

He got me a very nice designer handbag for my birthday. He took me on vacation to Mexico. He introduced me to his friends and family first. He wanted to meet my family and friends as well. He didn’t blow up my phone all day every day. A HVM has a career and is busy, just as we are. I waited about 10 weeks before I had sex with him. He didn’t mind the wait. He owned his own house and it was clean and tastefully furnished and decorated. It didn’t look like a bachelor pad or have mismatched junk from college. He gave me a key to his house and asked me to move in. While the key was great to have for the occasional sleepover, I told him I would not move in unless there was a formal commitment (engagement). So then he asked me to show him rings that I liked. A couple months later he proposed in a beautiful garden with a custom made diamond ring.

After that, he bought us a big beautiful house and he got me a sweet little kitten. He still takes me out on fancy dates where we get dressed up and drive into the city. We are having fun planning our wedding.

Don’t get it twisted though. Even a perfect man has quirks. My guy is amazing, but he’s a little unorganized, leaves his socks and shoes all over the house, he’s very wasteful (I grew up poor and don’t believe in waste), and he will leave dishes in the sink “to soak” which I absolutely abhor, but I am by no means a stand-in mommy. He takes care of his stuff on his own.

blackopium777 · 2020-03-30T17:40:59+00:00

I met my husband more than 8 years ago online. We were "talking" on a forum for a shared hobby, not knowing how the other person looks like. After a couple of weeks after "flirting" there we started talking in DMs and after getting to know him a bit more, we started talking on Skype.

I was extremely unsure about him, since he was 18 and I was 21. I really loved his humour, tho and he kinda looked cute, so I agreed to meet him. He lived a 6h drive away (back then it was rather 8h by bus) and just started a new job. So this 18-year-old guy planned a whole date in a city he's never been to. He booked a hotel, made a reservation for a restaurant after asking me which food I like and googling which restaurant has the best rating. He brought flowers for me and chocolate for my parents with him.

I knew that his age wouldn't be a problem right then after our first date. He didn't try to get too close, was respectful and paid for everything. The next day we met up in the city and I showed him around a bit. I remember that I saw a pin that I liked, but I didn't take enough money with me and we had to hurry up to get the tram, so I couldn't get it. My husband went back the next day to buy it for me, but it was sadly not there anymore. 2 years later, he found it online and got it for me, because he felt guilty that he didn't buy it for me on that day.

Well, we were in a LDR for 1 year, since I was still in school. He tried to see me at least 2 weekends every month and when I had a week or two off, I would visit him. Most of the time he worked night shifts, so he had to take a bus right after his night shift and drive for ~8h just to see me for a little more than a day. We were dedicated to this relationship.

After a year, I decided to move to his city. I found a job, he found a nice apartment. I moved because he was about to get a better position in his job and my plans weren't bound to a city. He saved money to pay for everything. It wasn't luxury or anything, but we had everything when we moved in together.

This man was with me, when I suddenly got sick. I gained a shitton of weight over the course of a month. I was depressed, basically crying all the time. We planned to get married at this point, but I was not myself anymore and I hated it. I went to the gym, had a personal trainer, took my medicine, ate extremely healthy. I didn't lose enough weight. My husband loved me, never left my side in that hard time. He didn't mind me being twice the size all of a sudden. He didn't mind my acne flaring up so hard that I had pain in my face.

I was also diagnosed with PCOS and my obgyn basically told me that I am infertile and that every pregnancy will end in a miscarriage. Three times I had a miscarriage. My husband didn't leave me. He was ready to look for solutions.

My husband enjoys spending time with me. He rarely goes out without me, since his friends also always bring their partners with them, so we meet up as a group.

I know that he will be 100% honest with me. He and my parents are the only people I can ask, when I want a honest opinion on something.

He is thoughtful and very caring. For example: I sit on the couch, just drank up my water. My husband gets up, takes the empty bottle away. He brings me a new bottle of water. I don't have to tell him or ask him most of the time, he NOTICES.

When there are 2 pieces of cake and I greedily ate mine because I love cake, I get his, too. Even if it's his favorite one. Even if he had none of it. I get his piece of cake, because he "knows that I will be happy and that's the most important thing".

Me and our son are his absolute priority.

He really does his load of work. I am not talking about doing some small things while calling it 50/50.

While he has a shitton of positive sides, obviously he isn't perfect.

He isn't a model. Even while working out 2 times a week, he is chubby. I am okay with that, he has been that way since I met him. He takes great care of himself, I never thought that he wasn't attractive or anything, but he is simply not some model-like man who has it all.

He is a picky-eater. There are some foods he won't eat and that's okay. It can be annoying, but he isn't childish about it.

He forgets his passwords quiet often. Then he asks me.

I can only say that my husband is a miracle to me. I am literally nothing special and he sees me as the absolute win in his life. Sometimes I feel like crying, because I get anxious about something happening to him. I know that I would never ever find someone like him again. And that I would honestly rather stay alone than settle for less.

rinabean · 2020-03-30T20:43:54+00:00

Your question is pretty broad so I had a look at your other post. There's nothing mythical about a man who respects you and also wants to have sex with you.

I don't think it matters how you meet. I met my husband in high school (well actually I think I met him earlier... don't remember it though). Clearly unless you can time travel that's not useful advice! And I wouldn't want any teenage girls who are reading to think that it's somehow the secret to happiness, I really don't think it is at all. You know, same with if someone found someone on a particular OLD app, it's far from the only way, a lot of luck involved.

We've been together for 14 years. I am almost angry at whoever has made you feel like you stop having sex after a few years, stop having feelings entirely. My god, no. The whole foundation of a relationship is that you want each other. It's better for women for a variety of reasons if he wants you a bit more than you want him, but that doesn't mean you feel so-so about him or something like that. And even if there are libido problems, he would want you in every other way and show it. Men who try to keep you guessing if they want you or not are being cruel as well as wasting your time, and there is no such thing as a cruel HVM. This kind of stuff is in the handbook too

I don't really know how to describe my relationship. I can easily say my husband has never once made me wonder if he really wants me or not. Never ever ever. Any little behaviours I could name, they really boil down to him showing he wants me, values me, and knows he hasn't like... bought me so he can stop trying now or something.

He makes me happy. Yeah, once in a while frustrated, but never any more than anyone else I have other relationships with, I think sometimes we buy into this idea that romantic relationships are "hard work" in a way that other relationships aren't and I don't think that's true at all. And you mentioned boring, every day I'm excited to share a life with him. When I think about him I'm thinking of all the fun we've had and all the fun we are yet to have. Because, it's fun to be with him. He makes my life better. It's not complicated, I don't have to weigh up the pros and cons and wonder if it's really worth it after all. The only con is that I'm a fussy introvert, so sometimes sharing my home and my life with someone else is annoying (but I think easy going people-people feel that way to some extent too). And, all the ways he shows his love for me are not just good by themselves, but they make me feel easy to love. I don't feel like he's the best I could do. I love him, he's what I want, but that's not the same. I could get someone else if I had to - or be fine alone. He makes me feel open to the possibilities of life, not trapped and insecure. And of course that carries through to things like supporting my ambitions.

I feel like I'm rambling a bit and still didn't get anywhere near to the whole picture. The summary is that it feels GOOD. I am so sorry that he doesn't make you feel good. Maybe the knowledge that you might leave will be enough to make him pull his finger out. But whether or not he does, whether or not you want to wait around to see, you deserve better. You deserve someone who makes you feel wanted. It's everything, and also the bare minimum

AquaticDramatic · 2020-03-30T16:54:58+00:00

Found him on a dating app (I know, but one in a millions do exist apparently). Have been dating for several months. Everything is very low-stress and we agree on major things like marriage, children, future plans. The relationship was "defined" suitably early and there was no ambiguity about whether or not we were in a relationship. Plus he's like 10/10 marriage material so 💅

tauruspiscescancer · 2020-03-30T17:07:25+00:00

I haven’t been with my boyfriend very long (just a few months) but I think we’ve made it clear to each other that we want to be together for a long time.

He’s been the only man to come into my life and make himself completely vulnerable to me. He even spoke about me with his therapist, telling her that I felt like home to him. He told me that even the thought of disappointing me makes him nervous because he’s afraid I’ll up and leave to find someone better. He’s had a rough childhood (father was deported, mother was unloving, no good friends growing up, etc.) and so he has deep abandonment issues that he’s been working through with a professional. He knows better than to put that kind of emotional baggage on anyone else.

Since we are currently long distance and this COVID-19 isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, we’ve made daily FaceTiming a thing. He’ll call me every morning when I’ve woken up and ask me how I slept, how I’m feeling, if I ate, etc, etc. He’s always making me feel cute and sexy (even when I don’t feel like it), always making me laugh and smile, and always being 100% honest with me about everything. He actively listens to me and though he can be stubborn as fuck sometimes, my happiness is always in his best interest. He is always looking out for me and encouraging me to stay positive. He’s my best friend and lover all in one person and while I can’t say I love him yet, I definitely see myself falling head over heels for him as our relationship continues to grow.

There is obviously still so much to learn about him but one thing I know for sure, is that he is someone that loves will all of him and all of his heart. He’ll do whatever he can for the one he loves so I’m doing my part in being a good girlfriend to him as well. I’m excited to see where this journey takes us.

jayda92 · 2020-03-30T20:45:55+00:00

We're 8 months in now. I'm secure and safe with him. We can talk about almost anything. He treats me like a queen. He loves to do fun activities and how to plan them. I like to get involved with his hobbies, and he likes to know more about mine and even goes to parties he doesn't particularly liked because he knows I feel alive and loved. He doesn't judge my past, but always points out positive happy things.

He felt secure even though an extremely bad ex tried to re-enter my life.

He wanted to take me on a holiday, but he knows I can only go In the (expensive) summer time so he decided to take me on a holiday while he knew I couldn't contribute as much (he payed most of it and I payed dinners; he initially didn't want that)

My family loves him, and he can handle them. That's very rare ;)

I cook but he cleans. He always goes to the supermarket when I ask him.... He is tidy. I can see other men respect him, without being a dominant character.

Imatworkmotherfucker · 2020-03-30T21:43:11+00:00

Married to an amazing man. I come to this sub for the pro woman and self esteem posts. I'll say he did not act right when we first started dating, so I broke up with him! I don't normally give 2nd chances after leaving the evil ex and finding my value, but this guy was just different. So I laid down some rules, if you wanna be with me, it's gotta be like this... he thought about it, and I agreed that I am valuable and worth what I wanted. 2 years later I am in the best relationship of my life still. We've had a couple hiccups because we're both human but I know I can trust him with anything. I've been sick lately and without asking he just started doing extra chores and most of the cooking to take care of me. I get all the cuddles I could ever want but he never pressures for sex even though I've been sick for weeks. He just says I'm worth waiting for. He wants me to be happy and shows it a million ways. He never yells, acts crazy, etc. Instead watches our finances and plans for our future. Plus he's crazy hot lol.

measurebeyondwit · 2020-03-30T17:39:00+00:00

My fiancé is in school getting his PhD but still pays the entire rent on our place because I have student loans. He saved up for a long time to be able to do that.

On our first date, he recommended a book. It ended up being right up my alley and showed that he listened.

We didn’t have sex until we’d been dating exclusively for 5 months.

My LVM ex once freaked out when I got a pixie cut without telling him. With my fiancé, I dyed my hair a ridiculous color without telling him and when he saw me he smiled and told me how cool and beautiful I was.

heckhound_and_taties · 2020-03-30T22:26:00+00:00

Met my hubby 10ish years ago. A friend asked me to drive him to an event & when I got there my SO and friend 2 were with him. Drove them to the event & didn’t think anything of it. Few days later friend 2 asked me to go over to hang out, & when I went over my partner was there. He asked for my number & I gave it to him. We started talking/going on dates. A few months after meeting him we started dating (together for 9years).

He’s fantastic all around but I particularly enjoy how thoughtful he is. He does so much daily that I can’t even list it all but I’ll give my highlights: -He walks me to my car every morning I work.. usually at 4/5am. He gets up just to do this (also heats up the car and scrapes off any ice/snow in the winter).

-If he’s home before I am after work he usually has all the cooking/cleaning done. We also cook a lot together, which I really enjoy. I really don’t do any chores alone that I can think of.

-I rarely enjoy going out to eat (sushi is my exception) but he puts a lot of effort into planning dates I will enjoy (I’m big on hiking/camping/sports). I also enjoy breakfast in bed & have been surprised with breakfast every day off for years (and it never gets old).

-He hypes me up daily. He’s super interested in hearing about my work despite not understanding it really at all lol.

-He’s fantastic with our pets; super involved in their care. Animals just love him in general though. He’s currently hyping the dog while I type this loll

-He gets so happy when I’m happy. He bought me animal crossing to entertain myself during quarantine. I’ll just be minding my business enjoying the game & I’ll look over at him with his big grin watching me play. He also asks what I’m doing/to see my house in the game just to tell me how awesome everything is😂

The_Alpha_Nut · 2020-03-31T06:18:13+00:00

I met my current partner through OLD (rare but not impossible!), almost 2 years ago to the day. Having dated both an LVM and an NVM in the past, I can honestly say that the difference is night and day. I’ve joked with my mother that being with an LVM is like having bologna every day, an NVM is dog food, and an HVM is a perfect filet mignon.

On paper, my current partner is more accomplished than my past two LVMs: he is highly educated with a good career and prospects, talented, athletic. Compared to the other two dudes, he is easily more sociable, more likable, and funnier. Looks are considered subjective but I can’t think of a single person who wouldn’t say he’s the most attractive dude I’ve been with and obviously I think he’s stupid hot.

BUUUT..all of that does not make him an HVM. What makes him an HVM is the love, attention, and effort he puts into our relationship EVERY day. Not just when he feels like it and not just when he wants something from me. He cooks for me most days, sometimes twice a day. I make a latte for him before he leaves for work everyday but he always brings me one on the weekends, normally when I’m relaxing in the tub. He cuddles me, massages my feet, and hugs/kisses me all the time for no reason. He doesn’t watch porn or have any kinks (although he does like when I wear pretty lingerie). Foreplay and sessions focused around my pleasure are the norm. Additionally, I deal with occasional migraine/neck problems that lead to vomiting and he will place a yoga mat and pillows on the bathroom floor for me to lay on..and then he lays down there with me until the episode is over.

This shit was not the norm in my previous relationships. I can think of literally one time in 6 years that my NVM brought me a cup of keurig coffee, much less cooked for me or took care of me. I’ve always been very giving in relationships—my love language is decidedly “acts of service”. But I was always left drained because there was never any reciprocation. I love my current partner to death—don’t ever settle for less than filet mignon!

Comments