Dealing with a BPD Friend

teaandtalk · 2018-12-27T22:54:09+00:00

I think we can often get caught up in labels, when, in reality, they're just words to describe a pattern of behaviour. So having a friend with BPD isn't an issue if she has her behaviour under control.

Whether someone has been diagnosed with BPD or not, there are certain behaviours that aren't okay or indicative of someone worth having a relationship with. If she lies or manipulates, then it doesn't matter why, she's being a shitty person. I have a friend with BPD who has it under control and you wouldn't know it if you didn't talk to her specifically about it. I have (had) other friends who haven't been diagnosed with anything, but are manipulative and attention seeking...I'm not friends with them anymore.

redditJ5 · 2018-12-27T07:33:33+00:00

Not going to suggest if either way, just want to leave you with this.

You will become the average of your 5 closest friends. It is up to you to decide what the average will be.

keto-tx-gal · 2018-12-28T05:05:08+00:00

My mom is a borderline and honestly, I limit my contact with her for only special occasions. It’s exhausting and brain cell killing to deal with her.

However, since you said it’s a friend I’ll tell you something. You should only be friends with functioning, quality people that uplift you and you uplift them. I personally have no friends around me that are toxic because it’s a waste of time and with billions of people on planet earth, you can ‘next’ her and find new friends. BPD are extremely taxing unless you enjoy drama.

Mewster1818 · 2018-12-28T02:57:38+00:00

My mother has BPD. As a child I didn't understand and I believed her unconditionally... until I started to grow old enough to realize that despite the fact that she certainly does love me, there's no room in her psyche for me. Our relationship is purely one-way, or it doesn't exist at all. We haven't spoken in 3 years, she refused to come to my wedding unless it was on her terms, she has called the police on my husband whom she has never met to punish me for my political views, she has burned every bridge anyone has ever tried to build with her, and in her mind she is absolutely faultless.

While you may enjoy her company now, if she doesn't take control of her illness seriously you will be a victim of hers eventually. I won't tell you that she can't better herself, just that she most likely won't. It contradicts the core of BPD to take personal responsibility and accountability for oneself, so the odds are against her. Maybe she'll beat the odds and learn how to manage her BPD, but if she doesn't do not blame yourself for letting go of the relationship. Only she can fix herself, no one can do it for her.

SopranoRocker2010 · 2018-12-28T14:26:14+00:00

I think you're putting too much emphasis on the diagnosis and not enough on your friend herself. I have known and loved multiple people with BPD, and not all of them are manipulative. A friend from college with BPD is a very successful individual pursuing her Ph.D. in Egyptology at a Swiss university, maintaining a strong relationship with her girlfriend, and tenderly doting on all of her pets. It took her a few years to get herself together, but she did put in the work on herself and she's batting a thousand. Contrast that with my mother--although she is not officially diagnosed, I know she's had her own history with mental illness and has been speculated to have BPD. She stays unmedicated and untreated (yes, there is a different--untreated leaves room for other therapies such as DBT) and causes destruction to everyone close to her. At the end of the day, assuming there is no one restricting your friend from treatment (in which case she is being medically abused and needs help) there is room for choice. If she chooses not to seek treatment and instead continues to manipulate people, that is not a reflection of BPD as much as it is a reflection of her. Chronic illnesses, both physical and mental, have an impact on functions of the body and brain respectively. Neither of those things, however, has to determine your level of self-awareness and willingness to put in the necessary efforts to better manage your care. If she's manipulative, it's not the illness, it's her.

LauryAnne123 · 2018-12-27T19:04:07+00:00

Maybe you can ask her how you can support her?

Maybe she just need a compassionate ear, or maybe you can help her find resources on BPD, readings, activities, supplements...

I don't know about BPD, but I've had liars and manipulators in my life. I once reached a point where I had to cut ties with them for my own health, but I did send them self-help books written for compulsive liars and passive-agressive people. That was the most I could for them.

I don't know whether there are books out there for manipulators (to help them stop their behavior,) but there are books for BPD and resources for people supporting someone with BPD:

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/June-2017/Supporting-Someone-with-Borderline-Personality-Dis

drunk_fish1 · 2018-12-28T22:39:03+00:00

my sister has bpd and I've had to cut her out of my life to keep my sanity and prevent her from trying to tear my family apart. Everyone is different and it's not her fault she's that way but she was toxic to my life x

Zegiknie · 2018-12-27T12:31:56+00:00

Friendship ideals such as being there for each other are great with sane, functional people. If someone has an issue, then yes, support them! But the bipolar dysfunction revolves around abusing this mutual support system. Giving them attention is essentially enabling their dysfunction. Don't kid yourself that you are helping. I'm sure they tell you that. It's like helping a junkie by giving them drugs.

The fact that you are on here asking how to support their instability shows that you are already up to your neck in unhealthy situation.

If you have been friends since childhood, you likely feel a lot of guilt and a sense of obligation toward them. Let that shit go.

You probably need some kind of friendship-variety of nun mode. Or you will just continue making bad friends.

Edit: I wrote bipolar but I meant borderline - very different! Just used the wrong word, sorry.

NSTaylor11 · 2018-12-27T14:05:34+00:00

A couple years ago I became friends with someone who I later found out had BPD. She is going to a therapist and is taking medication, but she is still a very needy and dependent person. As I started improving myself I realized some of my friends were still...stuck. Their lives aren't going anywhere and they will eventually drag me down. I recently deleted my social media and I barely text them any more.

Is your friend seeing a therapist? Is she on medication? Does she use her illness as an excuse for bad behavior? That's what's most important to me - people who use mental illness as an excuse for treating others poorly will play the victim and manipulate you. However, if she takes ownership of her illness and takes steps towards improvement you can be her friend, from a safe distance.

cbigglesworth · 2018-12-29T08:46:50+00:00

I am 28 F with panic disorder and BPD (DX at age 16). It was tough growing up and dealing with the repercussions and the loss of friendships and relationships. Though as I have aged and gotten the appropriate treatment i.e talk therapy, medicine and CBT/DBT, I have become a functioning female member of society with almost no issues sustaining friend ships and a now 3 year long healthy relationship. The key to “dealing” with BPD as a normie is to educate yourself. Familiarize yourself with the sign and symptoms and the coping techniques for both you as the friend and her as the diagnosed. So that if she is in an unhealthy state you know how to handle it for both yourself and her. It’ll also help you just in general with the knowledge. If she’s in a healthy place it’ll help you if she ever slips. People with BPD shouldn’t be avoided unless it’s harmful to you or them. They should be embraced and loved the way anyone with social, physical or mental disabilities should. If something turns toxic BPD or not then make the decision then what should be done and move forward.

MuseofPetrichor · 2018-12-29T14:18:12+00:00

I fit the criteria for BPD, but I've never been diagnosed (with anything; poor). Anybody can improve if they want, tho, whether they have issues or not. I can still be bad sometimes if I don't control my thoughts, but I've improved a lot.

fairydust91 · 2018-12-28T08:27:39+00:00

Wow these responses are so harsh. If you've been friends with her for years and there haven't been any issues, I don't see the problem. You even said shes been supportive of you! So now she's ill and your knee jerk reaction is to abandon her? Im sorry but whoever is commenting is obviously awful.

SarahG321 · 2018-12-27T19:44:37+00:00

Ultimately, it's your choice.

I've been in your shoes and found that it's sometimes better to just be an observer and allow the answers to come to you in their own time (instead of making a set-in-stone decision just to be done with it).

College has already given you some distance. If you just let it play out, it might be less awkward and you are not directly rejecting her. It can also be good to practice saying no if she makes unreasonable demands, etc.

Laura Doyle has a great blog post about saying "I can't" to things you aren't able to do without putting yourself out...as opposed to "setting boundaries," which usually does more harm than good. Google Laura Doyle and boundaries.

Title	Dealing with a BPD Friend
Author	tansandbeaches
Upvotes	3
Comments	26
Date	December 27, 2018 7:20 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/a9x2vv/dealing_with_a_bpd_friend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dealing-with-a-bpd-friend.68013 https://theredarchive.com/post/68013

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