Is there a way to know if you’re on track to be a placeholder/forever girlfriend early on?

willowgrowingroots · 2020-07-13T17:58:20+00:00

I’d watch his actions (not words) regarding these things:

• does he have realistic expectations of his life (e.g. achievable career goals) or is he somewhat delusional about his abilities? Delusional men keep looking for a (non existent) ‘upgrade.’

• is he always experiencing fomo? Red flag.

• are his parents happily married? older siblings? Best friend? If not, does he blame the ‘concept of marriage’? (Blaming can be expressed through actions, even if his words doesn’t match).

• if the people above are happily married, and/or he works around many married people (that he appreciates), he is more likely to think positively about marriage.

• I think that the age the man’s parents got married (especially the father) is a big hint about the age he perceives as the time to settle down. Even subconsciously.

• always beware of the possibility of love bombing and watch out for narcissistic patterns.

daisy_0720 · 2020-07-13T18:57:40+00:00

- He doesn't bring up plans about the future (i.e. one year from now) and seems dismissive/uncomfortable when you mention it

- He's reluctant for you to leave stuff at his place and vice versa. He may be too polite to SAY this but he's not exactly eagerly clearing out drawer and shelf space without you asking

- He stops planning dates and initiating typically romantic gestures, such as trips, gifts etc. He's gotten 'comfortable' in a way that isn't just the honeymoon phase being over. He's pretty blase about how you spend time together. You get the impression he'd be just as happy watching TV as he would be on a romantic candlelit dinner.

- He may be less vocal about his love for you/pay you fewer compliments.

- He just doesn't seem 'excited' about you the way he was in the beginning. While he's happy to spend time with you, the enthusiasm isn't what it was when you first started dating.

- He stops asking you deep/personal questions about yourself. Your plans/ambitions/dreams have stopped mattering to him because he doesn't envision himself really being a part of them.

- He stops remembering things. If he's a 'good' guy, he'll remember the big things like your birthday/be punctual about meeting times etc, but he'll stop remembering that random comment you made 2 months ago or where you went on your fifth date.

Keep in mind, these things can drop off very subtly, which is really why you have to pay due diligence. Even ONE of these signs is a strong indicator you're a placeholder gf.

And, for what it's worth, I spotted these in just under 5 months.

throwawayitst · 2020-07-13T17:40:30+00:00

6 months and you’ll just know! You’ll feel it in your gut- especially if you make your values known!

loudest_gusset · 2020-07-13T17:48:27+00:00

If the first few months there isn't much talk about your future and how you fit in together, then you might be destined to be either a temporary fling or a forever girlfriend (until someone better comes along.) Don't be afraid to ask at any point where the relationship is headed. Someone mature, responsible, and prepared will be straightforward, people with commitment issues and overall shadiness will try to avoid the question with platitudes like, "we'll see where things are heading."

Rough-Tree · 2020-07-13T19:37:48+00:00

I'm going to go with intuition and emotions. Does he make you feel sad? Is there time that he could be spending with you but doesn't? Did he not answer your call when you know he has free time? Did he not answer your text for several days? Did he make a future plan with you but not follow through?

Do you have a really bad feeling in your gut, but you have no evidence so you tell that feeling in your gut to shut up?

Do you find yourself making excuses for him like he's just busy with work or drama in his life that he doesn't hang out with you?

Did he not add you onto his social media?

2020-07-13T18:56:48+00:00

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2020-07-13T20:08:54+00:00

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sallybk · 2020-07-13T18:31:04+00:00

Someone recently mentioned Gilmore Girls spoiler alert... I was dismayed at how Rory was played by a wealthy nvm-for years. And she paid the price alone.

BubblyKraken · 2020-07-14T05:15:49+00:00

I figured I was on track to be that after 3 months. I convinced myself I was a cyinic and stayed 2 more "just to make sure".

My tells were:

did not put in the effort he did after a few months (lvm showing colors quickly) 🚩
was being vague about future (did not know where "life would bring him", and best to "go with the flow" 🚩)
hot & cold attitude masked by breadcrumbing 🚩
words did not match actions 🚩
best one: GUT. I felt it wasn't it. There was a lukewarm feeling abt it all. You just know it when it is (& ignoring red flags forge the way to forever girlfriend land)

throwawaynyc123456xx · 2020-07-13T20:18:17+00:00

I came across very striking youtube video today. If the guy doesnt compliment on your looks but rather criticize that could be a sign. Because he knows that youre the one for the time being until someone better comes along.

drawn2code · 2020-07-14T04:13:00+00:00

I would have to say the love bombing thing from the very beginning with no intention of having a real relationship is HUGE!!

Years ago I was working with a guy who kept telling me that he was in love with me. That he wanted to be with me. He couldn't be with anyone else. He also told me about all of the problems going on in his life and that he was trying to move on from them.

I then started to notice the tension in his body language when I was around. I told myself it was just nerves. He and I exchanged email addresses, became Facebook friends.

I decided to give this guy a 1 date chance. Every time we went to make plans he would put me in charge of everything and would commit to nothing. We did finally end up going out on 1 date. The guy acted like such a jerk on the date. Like he wished he was anywhere else but on a date with me, even after all the I LOVE YOU's, I want to be with you and only you. When the date came to an end and I wanted to give him a kiss that (I realized later) he didn't deserve. He acted like a 6' statue that couldn't bend.

After the date I then sent him an email stating that because of the way he acted on our date I never wanted to see him again. He responded with more of the I LOVE YOU's, I can't live without you. He even tried to get his parents involved by saying that I was his girlfriend. I ended up deleting and blocking him on all social media and email that I had shared with him.

Title	Is there a way to know if you’re on track to be a placeholder/forever girlfriend early on?
Author	V9921
Upvotes	131
Comments	18
Date	July 13, 2020 3:04 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hqgum0/is_there_a_way_to_know_if_youre_on_track_to_be_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/is-there-a-way-to-know-if-youre-on-track-to-be-a.712504 https://theredarchive.com/post/712504

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