How to stay focused on myself if I have to live with my deadweight partner?

Maisiebr · 2020-03-07T07:47:32+00:00

[deleted]

Yianna_F · 2020-03-07T07:57:12+00:00

A resource with Existential Psychotherapy principles I like to use a lot in therapy, and has been my favourite for many years is the poem ITHACA by C.P. Cavafy. It's quite famous, and this version is recited by Sean Connery and the music is written by Vangelis.

https://youtu.be/1n3n2Ox4Yfk

The poem borrows from Ancient Greek Mythos and Philosophy of Odysseus and his journey home. It's about our journey in life and our destination, the hurdles and difficulties we come across on our way there and the deeper meaning of life and how to go about it. Try to see it from a perspective of how it relates to your journey.

I know you're in a difficult and complicated spot right now, but you've already done more than half of what's necessary to move on. You're self-aware and cognizant of the situation and you've also made a decision.

At the moment self-care is of the utmost importance. Meditation, minfulness such as mindful eating or a minfdul shower, journaling, taking a walk or doing some yoga are all inexpensive ways of taking care of your emotional needs and focusing on yourself and your goals. If therapy is an option, find a therapist and do some work on your issues.

The sex dependence you mentioned is something you need to look into in more depth. One of the reasons you are so affected by him is because you are having sex with him, even if you're not realising this, or even if you think that it's just physical or sex. Sex and intimacy involve bonding hormones that tie us to the individual we are having sex with. So, in many ways, it is natural and expected to be affected by him to a great degree. You need to take a hard look inwards and at the situation, reevaluate and act accordingly.

This connection to him will severely limit your dating life (note I'm saying life, not options, as women usually have many options). No HVM would ever want to be involved in such a situation anyway. Ask yourself, would a HVW or I want to be involved into it if the roles were reversed?

Use those remaining 4 months of the contract to work on yourself, level up and you can date later on, once you've settled into the next phase of your life.

miz_nyc · 2020-03-07T14:14:24+00:00

What I would do if I was in your situation:

Stop having sex with him and if I'm feeling like I want to have sex I'd masturbate. Actually I just wouldn't be able to have sex with a man who doesn't satisfy me physically.
Start sleeping on the couch.
Stack my money for my impending move
I wouldn't date, the answer to your man problem really isn't another man
I wouldn't be telling him my personal business such as "I'm going to start seeing other men" I just don't see the point in doing that.

JoyJonesIII · 2020-03-07T14:31:49+00:00

Dependent on him for sex? Sis, you can do without it and you won’t die. Imagine if you accidentally wind up pregnant?

CuriousCatNYC777 · 2020-03-07T13:12:32+00:00

Break the contract.

One of LVMs top manipulation tactics is to ISOLATE their partner. Don’t fall into the trap.

Never sacrifice your mental health, peace, happiness, beauty and potential, over a piece of paper or a man.

Get out of there as soon as possible and never look back. If you have any friends or family members that can help you (even in another city or state), seek them out now.

Don’t ever waste your life with dead weight. It’s not worth it!

Meccha_me_2 · 2020-03-07T17:08:50+00:00

Question: how are you “dependent” on him for sex if he doesn’t satisfy you physically? What is the real reason you’re still sleeping with him?

TheWordLilliputian · 2020-03-08T02:50:43+00:00

Hey I’m in the same place as you. I’m trying to make moving out a this month, last month 2 months ago but financially it’s not happening. Last year the struggle was sex too lmfao. Not gonna lie, it was fire with him and the best I’ve had in my life. But then you get to the point where you realize MMMMkkkk so that’s the only thing he’s got going for him? And you don’t care for it, can go months without it etc etc. I thought the same as you, it’s better when him than Tinder. NO IT IS NOT. You’re giving him pleasure he doesn’t deserve to have from you. I could go into this rant lol but there are plenty who explain this well.

IS THIS THE GUY YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH AS YOUR CHILD’S FATHER BY ACCIDENT? Is he who you’d want your son to be like? I mean... If you’re okay with that then you have an answer but asking myself that made it easy to say no or not even be in that situation with my ex.

I wanted to make a post to get a general consensus/advice bc I couldn’t find much on living with exes here. So I’m glad I found your post.

I got back into MY hobbies. I do crafts and a lot with mail so that takes up an incredible amount of time.
I’m lucky to be able to pick up as many hours as I want at work so I’m at work 5-6 nights a week instead of at the house (I love my job and the people).
I went back to talking to people I didn’t make time for. Yup, even guys I almost dated but didn’t. They’re strictly friends or acquaintances, someone to talk to about random things at work or where to travel to next. As long as they are not talking about sex with me and are respectful, they along with my few female friends I talk to when I can. Female friends is harder for me bc none of them have the FDS mentality and I don’t want to fall back into their pattern when I’m barely getting out of my LVM world.
I come to this sub a LOT. I check it for inspiration and to be reminded there is better than what I have gone through.
I also have a storage unit that I moved majority of my stuff too. My hope is that when I can finally get out, I will not fall for the last beg of his, “You’re really leaving?” “I never thought it would end,” and I keep trying bc I can’t move out fast enough before I give into feelings. Guilty of that already so I know the plot. So move things out even to a friend’s, sell them, get a baby storage unit.
Leave the house whenever you can especially when he’s there. Hike, mall, coffee shops, libraries. So many places to just be with yourself or other people you care for.

You’re not alone. We’ll get out of this situation soon enough.

Radtron3000 · 2020-03-07T12:32:23+00:00

Find someone who can take over the lease.

GrilledAvocado · 2020-03-08T07:32:05+00:00

You’re staying with someone who makes you unhappy because of the living situation is difficult. But you don’t have to sleep in the same bed. Also, you have sex with him because you don’t want to have a one night stand? And you’re dependent on him for sex? What kind of shit is this. Girl, buy yourself a vibrator and stop making excuses as to why you’re still with this guy.

LemonRidge · 2020-03-08T14:09:39+00:00

You're making your situation worse. If you get pregnant by him, you would have purposefully brought a child into a bad situation, and you will be stuck with dealing with him for life. Is sex that important to you that you allow it to cloud your thinking?

Move out. Find someone to sublease. If this is not an option, buy an air mattress, or sleep on the couch. He's getting free sex and you're giving it to him getting nothing in return.

Kekekeke7777 · 2020-03-07T11:26:32+00:00

I agree to try and have sex with him less to start. My ex moving out had me go from anytime to 0 overnight and it actually affected me very badly. I was so hooked on on sex with him even though I hated him at that point and it wasn’t even satisfying for me at all. I wish I’d tapered gradually.

A daily countdown to the move out date on your phone can help with the other part. It’s like being 4 months away from graduating high school. Seems like forever but every day you are closer. You have time on your side to prepare. Time means power, control, options.

Title	How to stay focused on myself if I have to live with my deadweight partner?
Author	FinlandGirl
Upvotes	18
Comments	14
Date	March 7, 2020 7:36 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ferz2z/how_to_stay_focused_on_myself_if_i_have_to_live/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-stay-focused-on-myself-if-i-have-to-live.723051 https://theredarchive.com/post/723051

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