23F & I want to truly connect with the right man w/out resorting to the CC. Input?

sonder_one · 2018-01-03T03:38:09+00:00

An old friend of mine once dated a very athletic, outgoing, successful guy I know. The first date was great and she was really excited and made plans for a longer second date. It was near Christmas, and the guy did some volunteering with sick kids a couple days before (sounds over-the-top cliche, but that's actually what happened) and got really sick. She pressured him to show up anyway, and he did, but he was a zombie and the date went flat. She text-dumped him the next day.

Before long he had a different girlfriend, and now he's married with really cute kids; everything seems wonderful.

She's in her 30s and alone. She openly refers to him as the one that got away.

But he didn't "get away". SHE dumped HIM. And why? BECAUSE HE GOT A COLD WHILE HELPING SICK KIDS!!

A lot of women think that men have it easy when it comes to dating because their looks are less important. These women don't appreciate how hard it is for a man to be ON POINT behavior-wise, 24/7, or how brutal women can be when they aren't. Even after decades of marriage, men who lose their swagger get discarded. And sometimes, as in the case of the guy in my story (though he did better in the end), it's really, really unreasonable to blame him.

So here's my advice to OP: Real life isn't a movie, where Mr. Right does everything right all the time because he's Mr. Right. I read some advice pre-TRP that said that if a person seems decent enough to be worth exploring something with, you need to give it three dates before you decide how the chemistry is. The girl in my story might have had a very different life if she had made date #3 before she bailed.

Even fantastic men have bad days.

jm51 · 2018-01-03T00:34:52+00:00

<What I crave is a really intense bond that goes beyond “are we compatible?”

That was my parents.

They met and fell in love on the dance floor. My dads sister told me that everybody commented on how much in love they were.

Guess what happens when two incompatible people fall deeply in love? Drama. Lots of drama. Screaming, shouting and arguments. Night after night after night. Mustn't forget the door slamming. They still loved each other, that never stopped but they really but really didn't like each other at all. They were the poster children for the saying 'Familiarity breeds contempt.'

For the long haul, I'd say that like beats love by a country mile.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2018-01-02T04:10:32+00:00

What's your mbti?

I think you could use a loving / emotional man if you're looking for a"deep connection" but desire masculinity. It's a tall order, so you might need to compromise in a few areas. If you want a man to submit to you emotionally he probably won't be the most masculine man around. You know?

Or maybe I'm just not interpretating bond correctly.

BewareTheOldMan · 2018-01-02T16:30:33+00:00

...you look good on paper as it relates to your physical looks, personality, and emotional state.

The only negative is you may be placing too much emphasis and idealizing this "emotional/spiritual bond" aspect. Are we talking genuine love, affection, shared interests, and attraction…or you trying to go beyond that? I ask because those four (love, affection, shared interests, and attraction) are pretty deep just off that alone - as long as it's real and genuine.

u/RubyWooToo has an ongoing series: For Single Ladies “Late to the Red Pill” Part III: Finding Your Man, Showing Your Value, Vetting Your Friends

I'm not saying you're "late" to anything, but in this latest installment she lists a few scenarios and situations where you might be able to find like-minded men.

She specifically offers advice to this question: "Where do I find the right guy?"

I submit you make a list of 5 x requirements for your ideal man and work from there. The list may be modified or prioritized as needed. A key issue is to be the same/similar to the person you seek. If a man does not meet criteria consistent to your list, he's not your guy and gets zero consideration or time.

Automatic for any man (for you to give consideration) is the mindset of marriage, wife, kids, family, and a lifelong future. He either wants this or not - full stop.

Lastly - keep living your best life. Men who are truly interested are bound to take notice.

[deleted] · 2018-01-02T16:10:26+00:00

Firstly, you're on the right track. You're aware and you're not buying into modern America's idiotic "Women can have it all! Sleep with five hundred men, because men are promiscuous and now women get to be promiscuous too, and then you can settle down at age 35 with a 25 year old six foot finance guy who makes eight figures a year!"

I'm not exaggerating. I have MANY single female friends who have bought into this exact lie, and they're now bitter, single, old, and they can't get the "alpha" men they feel entitled to.

I'll tell you what I tell all my single female friends: maintain an air of approachability. When you're out an about, just look approachable, in your appearance and mannerisms. Also, if you see a guy you fancy, just make eye contact and smile. Any man worth a girl like you (your SMV is through the roof right now) will understand that as a signal he should approach you.

Non-American women are so good at this. They can demurely make eye contact and coyly smile, which makes them appear approachable but not slutty.

But most importantly, don't lose sight of your overall strategy. Your SMV worth is extremely high, which will attract men who just want sex as well as men who want a relationship.

I'm older and male and one of those "makes great money and lives a cool life" and my old, single, bitter female friends get enraged at me that I'm not settling down with some 40 year old alpha widow. I'm winding down my fun bachelor phase and starting to look for a girl worth my time. My criteria? Mid-20s, fit, takes care of herself, intelligent, and most importantly, she innately understands and takes on the female gender role in a relationship-- NOT modern American feminism, where the girl is the boss and utterly totally dominant.

Great ways to find the men you want: cafes, social groups, friends of friends, and yes, even bars. Just be careful in vetting men. And if you live in a major city, then I highly suggest you stick to men over 30.

Pie_021 · 2018-01-02T02:10:30+00:00

STEM grad

Try going to meetups for things that interest you and maybe you can find someone there.

one-thousand-cranes · 2018-01-02T03:20:08+00:00

But the concern is that I rarely if ever connect with someone. Things can look great on paper between me & a guy, but emotionally the connection just isn’t there. There’s just no “bond”

Sometimes guys hesitate to open up at first. True connections can take time. How many dates do you go on with someone before you determine that there is no real bond there?

I didn't notice my ex at all when we first met. I thought he had interests that were incompatible with my STEM geekery. But it turned out, after we got to know each other better, we found that we had some shared fundamental values we could build a connection with. I would have never realized this if I hadn't kept my mind open.

vintagegirlgame · 2018-01-02T03:02:58+00:00

I feel you on the spiritual connection front. I was not spiritual at all and it was my SO who introduced spirituality to me and my whole world changed because of it and it's one of the most beautiful bonds in our relationship. I find it natural to submit to him since in many ways he is like my spiritual mentor since he was raised with a strong spiritual practice.

If I was single I'd imagine that spirituality would be a very important factor and I would try to place myself in communities where this is shared. I meet the majority of my friends in these surroundings anyway. Doesn't have to be a church group exactly, but there are communities where spirituality is a common factor. I'm not sure where your beliefs are, but for me I don't prescribe to any one religion, so yoga communities are where I'll find a lot of common ground. Though these communities are often super feminist and the opposite of RPW... but as long as I phrase my philosophies about relationship dynamics in a certain way using some "new age" vocabulary, no one objects (though I don't generally go around preaching them).

Are there other activities, hobbies and communities where a lot of people from your spiritual background tend to congregate?

nonamanuensis · 2018-01-02T20:43:53+00:00

I don't think you're missing anything. I think you should just keep living a fulfilling life and put yourself out there.

How can I safely escalate romantic interactions to see if he & I are on the same page emotionally/spiritually? What I crave is a really intense bond that goes beyond “are we compatible?”

I don't think you can escalate this safely. I would be scared to bond emotionally/spiritually immediately with a man. It would be a red flag to me because emotionally healthy people have appropriate boundaries and prevent that kind of thing - anyone who tells you their life story immediately, for instance, is not someone with appropriate boundaries. My husband and I were clearly ridiculously compatible early on in our relationship but I wouldn't have told you it was a "really intense bond" or we were "on the same page emotionally/spiritually." Have you ever read the book or considered the notion Love is a Mental Illness? It helped me be a little more objective and vet well when I was dating. It's more...academic then pragmatic if I remember correctly but I'm really glad that I read it before dating. (Another comment mentioned you may be INTJ and so am I and I think INTJs would like the logical observations of that book.)

You are going to change over time and so is any man. Maybe it's that change and trust and commitment that will create that bond.

My husband had very strong opinions that a strong bond doesn't come out of the blue - it's forged over a marriage of decades. And I would say he was right although I was incredulous at first but he explained, for instance, how he watched his grandparents and their marriage lasted over 75 years. Over the years our bond has gotten stronger and deeper and changed. We do not have the same bond we did 10 years ago at all. There's just no comparison. Our relationship has always been honest and respectful and we've always cooperated with each other (even in disagreements our motives were for the best for our family) and that kind of environment has allowed more trust and a "really intense bond." Along those lines it's interesting how I thought our spiritual differences were going to be an issue but we've influenced each other to the point where he's the only person I would say shares the same spiritual views that I do - we are definitely emotionally/spiritually compatible on the same page now.

Rivkariver · 2018-01-05T22:37:03+00:00

I am from Eastern European family but born American.

Can I ask if your close family members carry the values from EE or US? Because they are different, quite different in some ways, and I have always been a little at odds with the prevailing attitude here.

Because if it's a strong influence on how you are, you should factor in what you need of a man who understands that about you.

Rivkariver · 2018-01-05T22:43:58+00:00

By the way, give men a chance who you aren't sure about at first but who are basically good to you and seem nice on dates.

I think some women actually just need to get to know a guy a little bit before she can even figure out how she feels. It's a defense mechanism to shut off your feelings until you know it's safe.

Frankly a guy who you know really loves you and has your values will naturally form a bond.

BeklagenswertWiesel · 2018-01-02T16:32:29+00:00

my advise is to continue to explore new and different hobbies. you certainly sound like you have your head on straight and know what you want.

I met my LTR at a social dinner where we had mutual friends. You just need to keep putting yourself out there, and engage with men that you click with.

:)

Title	23F & I want to truly connect with the right man w/out resorting to the CC. Input?
Author	popschips92
Upvotes	19
Comments	24
Date	January 2, 2018 12:16 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7niqth/23f_i_want_to_truly_connect_with_the_right_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/23f-i-want-to-truly-connect-with-the-right-man.74017 https://theredarchive.com/post/74017

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