How to handle mutual acquaintances asking about LVM in school/professional environment?

Sherbert-Trick · 2021-02-17T22:28:47+00:00

I think you’re way overthinking this. You respond with “Who? Oh, I don’t know, we haven’t talked in a while.” You’re not his secretary, his mom or his wife so you’re not expected to keep tabs on him or anything. And how do you make it clear that you are not associated with someone and don’t condone their behavior? Quit associating with them (which you have done). That’s enough.

GailaMonster · 2021-02-17T22:37:38+00:00

My policy:

Be HONEST with anyone you know is seeing him, or who discloses he's courting. This is a fundamental courtesy of protecting other women, and I think is more important than the general policy of not speaking ill of others. You wouldn't let that guideline stop you from, say, filing a police report. don't let it stop you now - warn girls.

In broader polite conversation, I would say "we aren't friends any longer" and if pressed just say "I am not comfortable gossiping, it makes me feel tacky." If you have the ability to deploy a tone of mild disgust at the topic, this is a FINE place to use subtle shame. The same way you might react to any other off-color remark, signal with your face and tone and body language that the topic is a faux pas.

Use this topic as a further opportunity to vet your social circle (decent people will notice and not push the issue once you're explicit that you don't like talkign about it. Higher quality people won't ask follow up questions beyond "we aren't friends". The highest quality people won't bring him up in the first place absent a separate reason. Gossip is tacky.)

The biggest takeaway for people reading OP's situation is to REMEMBER these moments when you think "what's the harm in giving a LVM attention in private if i have nothing else to occupy that time - I'm lonely and I want [compantionship/validation/the attention/dick/whatever]". LVM will fuck up your plans and leave the transaction "not worth it" HENCE THE TERMS LVM/NVM.

Rebirthed_Queen · 2021-02-17T22:12:57+00:00

I've pasted an old comment below if you're interested in the particular flavor of this LVM.

He never seemed to see me as an actual individual person. He would project an image onto me and would not understand when I diverged from his idealization.

An extreme example: Early on he approached me in our friendship and stated that he was not interested in dating. I reciprocated the sentiment and explicitly told him in person and in a written text when he brought it up again that I am not interested in dating and did not come to university to do so. As weeks passed, he started acting possessive: invading my personal space by sitting too close and touching my arm, storming off in insecurity when finding me in conversation with another young man (who was known to be committed to a mutual friend!), arrogantly putting down my friends, and wanting to spend all hours "hanging out". I figured that maybe this was how he acted with his friends. But I also had a suspicion otherwise, so I sat him down and restated explicitly that I am not interested in dating and not interested in him. He turned this into an hours-long discussion in which he claimed I was "friendzoning him," me explaining why that concept was unacceptable and that I am not a conquest, and him apparently not listening at all and reaffirming that I was putting him in the friendzone. He gaslighted me about leading him on when my behaviour towards him was demonstrably the same as with my other female friends and played the pity card of how heartbroken and hurt he was by my rejection. I learned later that he harassed my friends with a stream of rageful and sorrowful texts about how he could never forgive me and how he was hurt. He broke me down enough to make me doubt my own experience, so our "resolution" was that I had been interested in him before when we first met but now was not. I accepted this to end our argument, because at the time I still thought that he was my friend and he had manipulated me enough to think his "pain" was my fault . I continued to be his friend for four more months until I recognized his worsening emotional manipulation for what it was and cut him off.

He felt entitled to describing how I thought and how I felt to me when he was miles off the mark, sometimes laughably so. And if I didn't pay him enough mind, he acted as if I were ill. I only consciously realized this later, though I sensed something off since the moment we met and he told me what he thought my personality was ("You're so ....., you must be....."). If I had realized that he would never recognize who I actually am in the entirety of our relationship, I would have sooner known that we could never be true friends.

Better to learn now than later, I suppose.

West-Cook · 2021-02-18T02:44:26+00:00

You’re overthinking it. If you feel uncomfortable being as straight forward as saying “We’re not friends anymore because he’s sucky person,” just be vague and say, “We don’t really talk anymore.”

Mamma_Midnight · 2021-02-18T03:43:42+00:00

"We don't spend time together anymore. He was never my friend."

If they push: "I won't spend time with people who try to bully, coerce and manipulate me".

That's not speaking badly of him - that's speaking honestly about him. You're telling the truth, and you're under no obligation to protect his public image for him while he clearly has no care for your reputation or his own.

This notion that we must not speak badly of people is a patriarchal jackpot that allows men to abuse the women around him, but silences women - it denies women the opportunity to speak of the abuse they endue and prevents women from warning each other.

margot96 · 2021-02-18T18:50:44+00:00

If pressed to answer why you two are not friends anymore, you could simply tell them exactly what you've told us here: "I have a policy of not speaking badly about others when they aren't around". A word to the wise is enough.

However, I agree with the other commenters here in that you should try to warn any girls he might be pursuing next. You don't even need to tell them your whole story at once, and could start the conversation by asking them questions about his behaviour towards them. After that, you could inform them how the situation escalated between you two.

Title	How to handle mutual acquaintances asking about LVM in school/professional environment?
Author	Rebirthed_Queen
Upvotes	47
Comments	22
Date	February 17, 2021 10:07 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lm62jg/how_to_handle_mutual_acquaintances_asking_about/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-handle-mutual-acquaintances-asking-about.741872 https://theredarchive.com/post/741872

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