When, if ever, should you concern yourself with SO’s opposite-sex friendships?

Arima779 · 2018-02-22T00:46:56+00:00

My husband used to sleep around ALOT before he met me. He had a huge conglomeration of friendzoned women he had slept with but didn't want more from when we met. It was off putting at first but I viewed it as a test if he truly liked me he wouldn't do anything behind my back. I wanted him to keep them as friends because if he was a cheater I wanted him to out himself sooner rather then later. I snooped his phone one night and found a plethora of "offers" from days and weeks before he responded to every one of them with I have a GF now not interested. From that day on I knew what kind of man he was and what loyalty meant to him and haven't cared about him having female friends since. All my male friends are his friends so no jealously on his end either.

durtyknees · 2018-02-22T02:37:41+00:00

Both my husband and I are bisexual .. :p

Neither of us keep in touch with any of our exes, but that's our personal preference, not a boundary discussed at all. We just prefer to move on completely. No bridges burnt, just bridges abandoned.

he’s not completely over these women

If that's what your gut is telling you, then you should probably listen. Context matters. If it's just your hamster on a pogo stick, ignore it.

I’m debating what the RP perspective on this might be.

General guidelines only apply in general terms. In many cases, you need to make a judgement call.

Rivkariver · 2018-02-24T20:12:13+00:00

I am a bit cynical, maybe not the right word, but I don’t think there are cheaters or non-cheaters, but just people. Some people are more likely to maybe because they choose to tempt fate, but my point is, I think people should avoid situations of temptation as much as possible and that it could be dangerous if they don’t. Could but won’t always be.

I am conservative though, I prefer that my partner and I limit opposite sex friendships to seeing them in groups or occasional small talk, no long exclusive friendships, unless the person is gay basically. Some guy friends want to be my super close friend and frankly, I find it to complicate things, especially since so many guy friends end up liking me. I like to date guys who are with me on this basic thing, but not everyone is like that, so it really has to be something you decide what your values are.

girlwithabike · 2018-02-22T00:15:50+00:00

My SO and I both have opposite gender friends. He has an "advantage" over me here because my male friends tend to be gay whereas his female friends tend to be women he's been with.

It's not unfrustrating and in the past it's left me unsettled from time to time. However, I've never wanted to be the type of woman who tried to control who he sees and what he does. In addition, I am very close with my ex who I have known since I was 14. He has never once given me any issues over this relationship where a lot of men might. For this reason alone, I would never try to determine who he can associate with.

That said, he is friends with some amazing women. Some of them have intimidated the hell out of me. They are often bright and accomplished and more than once I would wonder: why me? Now that we've been together for as long as we have, and our relationship is pretty great and solid, I don't have these feelings. I don't remember now but I'm sure I comfort tested him at the time. He's always been very good at reminding me that he thinks I'm just as amazing as I think they are. I'd like to say I spoke to him about my feelings openly and without any crazy but that's probably a lie. I do know that the one thing I always committed to, even in the midst of any crazy feelz, was that my feelings were my own and I trusted him and I did not want him to break contact off with his friends.

I think if you are going to go this route, you just have to recognize the obvious facts: he picked me for a reason, they didn't work out for a reason and I will get past this jealousy.

lespetiteschoses · 2018-02-22T05:50:14+00:00

My husband has a couple of female friends that he's very close to, but they're butch lesbian types that are involved in his hobbies. I feel no threat whatsoever, they're just like his male friends.

There's a couple of exes floating around trying to spend time with him, which I am not so cool with. We'll see them from time to time, but always as a unit. It's not a good look for a married/commited man to be socialising with exes in my opinion.

In the same manner, I've got a couple of gay friends, but would never hang around an ex/orbiter without my husband there. It's not that he doesn't trust me, it's just disrespectful.

RubyWooToo · 2018-02-22T09:33:32+00:00

It all depends on how these friendships are conducted. Does he introduce you to these women or keep these friendships hidden? Is he flirtatious with them or does he have strong boundaries? Does he ever complain about you to them? Do they have respect for your relationship?

aussiedollface · 2018-02-23T03:51:55+00:00

Sorry but no alpha man in a proper relationship would spend time and energy on a bunch of women who aren’t his partner.

WonderfulandValuable · 2018-02-23T13:16:48+00:00

As soon as they cross the boundary between friendship and affair. I like the book "Not just Friends" and I have laid out clearly what is considered cheating by me.

. I would pay the price by coming across as controlling and insecure, and ultimately less loving and attractive.

Sometimes one must pay for the good things. Your marriage, Life, Health physical and psychological and Sanity among them.

SmamelessMe · 2018-02-26T08:15:58+00:00

I have total faith in my SO and have no fears regarding his fidelity on any level.

I hate to start in accusatory tone, but if this was true, you would not have made this post.

Nobody can make you trust your SO. Only you can take into account his current and previous behavior, and judge if he is true about the relationships being platonic. Has he lied to you? Cheated on you? Or given you any reason not to trust him? If so, it is not unreasonable to expect him to be unfaithful again, and ask him to "remove the temptation". That being said, if you are dating a serial cheater, you may be better off just leaving, instead of sinking further cost trying to change him.

But either way, it breaks down to what you want. If you see your SO having opposite sex friends as something that will prove to be a problem for you long term, you should address this now. Doing so three years down the line will likely make him feel ambushed, tricked or manipulated, since you never made this fact / requirement known, before making him commit serious amount of time to the relationship. It's this type of behavior what would make any reasonable man wonder "what else is coming", once he is committed to you in marriage.

Personally, I consider the decision of who I am or am not friends with a hard boundary in relationship. I give my partner the same freedom. If my partner considered letting go of all my friends who happen to be female as hard boundary for her, we would not be compatible for long term relationship.

I am specifically writing this in a way that does not assign blame to either party. It is nobody's fault. Some people just have different values which may not be compatible. It is a fact of life.

tl;dr: Figure out if you trust your SO based on what you know about him so far. Nobody else can do that for you. If you feel like you can't, you should address the issue as soon as possible, with full expectation that you two may not be compatible in this relationship requirement.

hapacel · 2018-02-22T04:57:51+00:00

Really it depends on you and your boyfriend. Test the waters and see how it goes.

Some might hate it, some might not. Some may understand that it may upset you, some might not. Some might keep in contact with their exes to keep things even if you're in contact with some of your exes.

Redpilledcf · 2018-02-22T00:22:02+00:00

All of my bfs best friends are girls. Most are also former ex’s some are married some aren’t. I trust him and all I can do is calm my hampster. He talked to one x and hid it from me but then decided to tell me and at my request he no longer speaks to her. She however was toxic for his health and well-being and he saw I was just looking out for him. If you trust him than let it go and maybe try also making friends with them and get to know them.

Title	When, if ever, should you concern yourself with SO’s opposite-sex friendships?
Author	synthjw
Upvotes	8
Comments	19
Date	February 21, 2018 11:51 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7zabgs/when_if_ever_should_you_concern_yourself_with_sos/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/when-if-ever-should-you-concern-yourself-with-sos.74295 https://theredarchive.com/post/74295

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