FKA twigs is exactly right – why do we still ask abuse victims why they didn't leave? | FKA twigs

anna77229 · 2021-02-21T06:30:32+00:00

I watched a Netflix original movie the other day (sorry can't remember the name) about a battered woman rebuilding a life for herself and her child. The Ex tries to get her govt housing allowance taken away from her by claiming she lied on a form.

In the proceeding to determine if she would lose her housing allowance the judge asks why she didn't leave sooner. She responded, why do people always ask me why I didn't leave sooner but they never ask him why he didn't stop?

I thought that was a powerful line!

Foreverme133 · 2021-02-21T06:36:55+00:00

When I was finally able to leave my husband, I was asked that question many times, but I'd absolutely had it with that shit by then and I told each person who asked me that question that I wasn't going to answer it. Told them they needed to ask him why he was abusive. To my knowledge, no one ever did.

People always think to ask the victim to answer for staying but no one confronts the abuser and demands answers for why they're beating their wives, cheating with multiple women, nothing. And it'll stay that way until there's a real understanding about what goes on in abusive marriage and relationships.

People just don't want to confront the reality so they confront the victim instead because it's a lot easier than holding mens' feet to the fire.

FabledAngryVillager · 2021-02-21T07:41:12+00:00

When women confront men on why they were abusive to exes, we're not letting him "move on to become a better person" or are making a big deal out of nothing

justforfds · 2021-02-21T11:27:19+00:00

[deleted]

sleepykittn · 2021-02-21T07:18:59+00:00

The word hostage really is important, with domestic violence or in a rape situation you dont leave or fight tyhm off because of the intimidation and threat of dangerous repercussions. Fucking duh, why so many stupid questions. Put yourself in their shoes to imagine the reality😵 as if kids can just walk away from bullies..no, you know they cant just escape. Same with this.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-02-21T16:25:16+00:00

I think it needs to reframed in a way that isn’t blaming the victim but instead asking why she felt trapped, that way we can better understand how we can help abuse victims. I don’t like this “well if you were being abused why didn’t you just leave” kinda blaming tone. Not good

singing_stream · 2021-02-21T23:24:09+00:00

I was telling my ex about my past with another ex. He was abusive and although i did leave eventually, i stayed with him much longer than i should have done.. i had nowhere else to go though.

My ex asked me why i didn't leave.. why i stayed with him. I told him bluntly that he was asking the wrong question.. and the question he should be asking is why he was such a dick.

He didn't get it - even though i spent the next 15 mins educating him on why it's never the victims fault and asking why we stayed is blaming us.

Jokes on him though tbh - because when he started acting like a dick.. i had his words of ''why did you stay?'' ringing through my head. Because of my past experiences, and because of his words, i walked away much sooner than the younger me would have done.

shutup201 · 2021-02-23T03:14:35+00:00

It's always to victim blame because most people take advantage of the weak and vulnerable, and instead of owning up to their shitty ways they'd rather put it all on the victim....why didn't you speak up, why didn't you leave, etc.

However, abuse is always the abusers fault imo. The abuse wouldn't happen if they didn't abuse, the end. However, it's also important to find out what's causing the victim to stay in an abusive situation so she or he can change their behavior and prevent it from happening again, but there's a time and a place for that like therapy or a safe supportive place.

Honestly, if someone is in an abusive situation it's a red flag to me that something is wrong with them whether it be mental illness, grooming, stockholm syndrome, being a pushover, people pleaser, stuck, etc. So, if something within themselves is causing this behavior, it needs to be corrected, but it's not an excuse for anyone to abuse them. Period.

Title	FKA twigs is exactly right – why do we still ask abuse victims why they didn't leave? \| FKA twigs
Author	Madame_Ray
Upvotes	238
Comments	19
Date	February 21, 2021 6:05 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/loqj49/fka_twigs_is_exactly_right_why_do_we_still_ask/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/fka-twigs-is-exactly-right-why-do-we-still-ask.743561 https://theredarchive.com/post/743561

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