I think I've made a mistake involving commitment/the "talk". I'm not sure what to do.

teaandtalk · 2018-04-21T22:03:20+00:00

Would you stay with him if he's seeing other people? If not (and imo, you shouldn't), then you need to talk to him clearly. "I would like to be exclusive, and not see other people." If he says yes, then cool, well done. If he says no, I don't want to be exclusive, then have the self respect to back off. And in the future, don't assume you're exclusive/committed if you haven't explicitly confirmed it.

Hottosmart · 2018-04-22T15:26:12+00:00

Wait, he introduces you as his girlfriend to other people yet he was seen leaving the bar with another woman?

Are you a doormat? Sounds like you are.

And he knows he can get away with it.

Red Pill goes both ways, honey.

Ask him if he is seeing other women and whether he has slept with other women whilst seeing you. If he says yes, tell him it is unfair to you and you want full commitment.

If he says no, leave.

How old are you two, again?

mikstar · 2018-04-21T22:26:12+00:00

I'm agreeable and I'm a nice person in general.

Great. What if I tell you that you're actually also disingenuous; lacking in sincerity. What you're doing right now is the female equivalent of a "nice guy". You're trying so hard to please people that you put your needs on the backburner.

Grow up, be an adult, and honestly talk to him. Tell him that you are hurt and why. He is not responsible for your feelings but when you communicate what you need, which sounds like the safety and trust of a monogamous relationship, he is going to tell you what he needs, which might be freedom, and you both make a compromise together that satisfies you both. Welcome to healthy communication.

Edit: I want to stress that communication and expression is the vehicle for your life. It's not just your romantic relationships, it's every relationship: your family, your friends, your boss, your children. Learning to communicate assertively is the single most effective thing you can do to improve your entire life. I guarantee you that the problems you are experiencing in this specific relationship are showing up unconsciously in every other relationship that you have.

[deleted] · 2018-04-22T14:17:30+00:00

You'll know you have a strong relationship when communicating with the other person doesn't scare you at all. Waiting for that day to happen while they say things to you that keep you in a perpetual state of fear, while they have no sexual loyalty to you, will wreck your ability to love yourself. If you're completely terrified of talking to him about exclusivity and really don't think you can do it, the fear and pain that he is making you feel will never go away; if you think you can do it, then give him an ultimatum, and leave him if he won't commit.

Its going to be very hard for you to come to terms with this, but it appears that right now you are partially in a relationship with your daydreams of how this guy could be, rather than who he presently is; both men and women do this all the time and its life destroying. You are desperate to find love, so you ignore negative aspects of the actual person in place of daydreams, but your subconscious throws it back at you with constant fear of what the person is going to say if you state your needs to them-- and this is because part of your brain is trying to save you.

I have experiences of being emotionally destroyed and that is where my knowledge of this comes from. It is okay to be totally desperate for love, as long as its for yourself. And part of loving yourself is not being afraid to state needs and enforce boundaries: to anyone.

lespetiteschoses · 2018-04-22T00:40:42+00:00

This is why you clarify exclusivity.

Always always always.

WarViper1337 · 2018-04-22T02:14:23+00:00

If you value monogamy then that should be established pretty early on. If he was seen leaving the bar with another woman and had sex with her then that is a bad sign of things to come especially if he was introducing you to friends and family as his girlfriend.

lolablackbird · 2018-04-22T02:46:17+00:00

My angel, I can feel your heart and sincerity through this post and I can imagine the heartache you are feeling right now, but you need to put him into the seller mode and remember that YOU are the one doing the buying. If he’s gone and just done something with another girl and he’s coming to see you tonight, in the most feminine and non nagging way, putting him in charge you need to say, “I require monogamy from a man, can you bring it?”

Make it so he is the one trying to get you You are lovely and must realize a virtuous woman is a steal and must start thinking of yourself as a prize

[deleted] · 2018-04-22T15:57:36+00:00

4 months is a long time to be weird and ambiguous. Next him, and next time make sure you discuss commitment after the first few weeks and before sex.

loneliness-inc · 2018-04-22T15:23:34+00:00

Okay. Time for some uncomfortable truths.

When you started seeing him, you should have discussed all the big things early on. The first date is for basic pleasantries to see if you like each other. After that, you need to start introducing that which is important to you, the deal-breakers. This way, if there is a deal-breaker, you can part ways before becoming entangled with each other.

You don't have to be in a committed relationship from day one, that would be impossible. However, it should be clear from early on, what your goal in with dating. If a monogamous, fully committed relationship is your goal, you ought to make that clear early on before having sex! You didn't do this. Therefore, you can't expect him to be monogamous 4 months in. He never agreed to this. You can't hold him to an agreement he never made. Today, there also isn't a universal societal assumption that can be made either.

He's coming over tonight and I don't know what I should say or do. I feel terrible about myself and I just want to know why he's still seeing other women. I think I'm a good girlfriend.

You can be the best GF or even wife (with his children too) but that won't change his need for variety. Men desire sex with many women, best in quantity. Women desire sex with the best man, best in quality. To think that he won't need other women if you're a high quality woman is to expect him to be female! It simply doesn't work that way.

If he's to commit to being exclusive with you, he'd be giving up on his natural desire for variety just like you'd be giving up on your desire to monkey branch. (I know many women today monkey branch anyway, but this is still what marriage should be). You can't just assume that he'll make such a sacrifice on your behalf without discussing it with him.

Therefore, your sister is not being helpful here.

I honestly don't know what else I should be doing or what I've done wrong that's preventing him from committing to me.

In addition to what I wrote above, there's another element that may prevent a man from committing to you. This too is something many women don't realize or appreciate.

A man committing to you isn't just about being exclusive, it's also a huge undertaking. To be there for you through thick and thin, to provide for you and protect you and the children you'll bare for him. Many men hesitate because they don't feel ready for such a huge undertaking for whatever reason.

TheRedKeepx · 2018-04-21T23:53:28+00:00

you have no right to be upset. hes not a psychic. you didnt lay out the ground rules or level of commitment, so that's on you and you only. if you are going to get this emotional about this guy's normal behavior, next time be clear and up front before sleeping with someone. basically, if he wanted to be exclusive with you, he would have said so out right.

Title	I think I've made a mistake involving commitment/the "talk". I'm not sure what to do.
Author	waterwithlemons
Upvotes	21
Comments	47
Date	April 21, 2018 9:52 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8dywnh/i_think_ive_made_a_mistake_involving/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-think-ive-made-a-mistake-involving-commitmentthe.74635 https://theredarchive.com/post/74635

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