So, I really don’t post on reddit at all, i usually just read stuff when i’m bored, but this is something that i truly don’t know how to handle, and i don’t know how to approach him about it. my partner (37M)and I (28F)have been dating for about 2.5 years, it’s been fairly casual up until recently we decided to be monogamous in January. Since about 6-8 months ago, he’s been getting into red pill thinking and at first it was a lot of rage towards the women in his life, but he never directed any of it towards me, it was usually his sister and mom. I didn’t really worry about it as deeply until now because he’s had a lot of trauma in his life and I have too so I know that when you first try to get through the trauma it can be really easy to be on edge with your family and those close to you, i had this happen to me while i was processing my trauma in therapy for about a year, plus as we all know, family knows how to push your buttons so things are extra tense sometimes.

When he told me he was into red pill thinking i looked into it and found all the crazy stuff, rape should be allowed on private property, etc. and i got very concerned and told him this is really damaging. He assured me that he wasn’t really following the reddit red pill community, he watches a lot of youtube people, and i know he won’t get into the white supremacy side of things, he’s black. He recently told me he doesn’t really identify with the red pill SO much and he believes in marriage etc., he thinks he’s more “purple pill”. i thought ok he just was using this as a coping mechanism and he’s trying to find his power in his masculinity, i turned to feminism to find my power in my femininity should be ok. but it hasn’t been ok at all. this weekend, we had a fight, i misunderstood what he said and a fight started, when i realized i misunderstood him i apologized for it and tried to do better, but he kept harping on me and said horrible things to me that made me completely anxious and almost depressed. he broke up with me in a very manipulative way, he came over late and told me he doesn’t want to see me, then he said we can talk about it, he was completely stoic (i started getting emotional because of the things he was saying and him not at all acknowledging the double standards in his arguments, in fact doubling down on them) and he ended the conversation before any type of resolution because it was late and he had to go to bed. as he was leaving he said “you’re trying to turn me into a woman”. i called him the next day and apologized about what i said and told him his actions hurt me deeply, he took no responsibility for them, and said basically he takes personal responsibility for his life by the people he keeps in it (aka- he doesn’t have to acknowledge his behavior or correct it, he should stay the same and he can cut off everyone else, cause they don’t act right for him, if they don’t like it the door is open to leave).

before i thought ok he’s going through it with his family and he’s stressed about life (covid and $$) and so he’ll work it out in therapy. his therapist told him to try and empathize with women, which i thought ok was some good advice but now i see that he really didn’t respect his therapists advice because they identified as a feminist, and he doesn’t think he doesn’t respect women, or doesn’t empathize with women. he was going through a hard time and told me about it, and he said that i shouldn’t have started any fight or anything because he was going through something, but never acknowledged that i had a panic attack because of the things he had said to me (well he said i “always have some sort of anxiety when we get into it”) which was so callous i never expected it.

i’m not a very pussy riot feminist, i grew up in an immigrant household and i do like a lot of pieces of a traditional marriage, but i’ve been hearing him talk about women submitting so much and after the things he said i feel like he’s asking me to handle him in a way that makes no sense. he wants me to be his partner, help him with things, but never say what i’m thinking and never collaborate or anything. it’s a real turn from where he’s been before and when i ask him what he wants he has no answer, just more “you’re not acknowledging what you did, you’re trying to blame me,” when i apologized and said im trying to handle things better or do better.

he’s getting to a point where basically any time someone disagrees with him (women) he just doesn’t care cause he has to maintain his “frame” and he will say horrible things about or to them and cut them off for a period of time, and i don’t know if he’s listening to his therapist. he’s basically obsessed with only fans girls and how they’re ruining themselves, how feminism promotes free spirit casual sex and that ruins women. it’s hard for me to handle this but i feel like if i can get him off of this thinking he will turn around and be someone i can deal with again.

also, when we met he was a feminist so this is sooo hard to handle. he’s really showing a lack of empathy and lack of acknowledging his own actions and how they are harmful towards the situation. i don’t know how to show him the red pill thinking line is really contributing to this without making him double down or say i’m trying to feminize him. he wants me to stop being a feminist, he says he believes the original intention of feminism was good with voting rights and the right to work and have bank accounts, etc. but it’s gone too far. i really don’t know how to get through to him in a way he will listen and actually absorb.

help. please. sorry this is so long. it’s a weird complex thing going on.

EDIT: THANK YOU!! thank you everyone, it’s really helped me clear my mind about this hearing all you had to say. it helped me realize what’s happening and not feel so gaslighted but the situation as much as when i first posted this, thank you everyone for the help to see what exactly was at play here and understand the situation better!! 💖💖