Has anybody on here fallen someone that fits the hallmark characteristics of Antisocial personality disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder or even psychopathy? I realize now reading books on sociopathy, npd and aspd that this was the animal I was dealing with with my ex (albeit low level which is probably why he seemed so insecure).

I broke up w him over a month ago. He tried to turn it into his idea, saying I fought w him too much. Which translates to: I called him out for poor behavior or tried having honest conversation about feelings and compromise thinking he was not disordered. I did everything wrong not being the dumb fox.

I regret nearly the entire relationship, but at the same time I’m beating myself up for staying/not seeing it/buying his myriad of pity plays and excuses/buying his good guy bs image.

I’m also struggling to fully come to terms w the fact that the feelings I felt were completely unreciprocated, and he simply faked them and seduced me. I’m doubting my worth bc of this, even though I have been able to cognitively rationalize through impersonal examples. For instance: I know if someone mistreats their dog, it’s not bc the dog is unlovable it’s bc the human is damaged.

I was abused growing up and was the scapegoat in my family system. I know intellectually that an abuser is the problem, not the person being abused. But growing up in that toxic dynamic I embraced shades of grey bc I had to survive through cognitive dissonance. And it’s still so apparent. I lack a healthy sense of self worth and am feeling so unworthy. I’m buying these false narratives that if I had been his dream girl maybe my ex would’ve not callously disregarded me so easily throughout our relationship. And I’m mad at myself for not having the esteem to just truly see him as the selfish, cold and egocentric asshole he truly is and not give a flying fuck.

I still think of my father as a “good man.” My rationales being, he has always financially supported me. He never left or abandoned the family. He has in his late sixties, improved many of his overbearing narcissistic traits and no longer hits or demeans me. He rarely screams but still does on a rare occasion. As a child it was simply bc it was a Tuesday. Now I notice the crumbs he gives but I never truly felt it feel valued by him.

So after this relationship I’m filled with doubt. Wondering if I was just too hyper-vigilant and it was my fault it failed (which I know logically he wanted me to believe). I’m also severely doubting the blatant signs of my exes callousness/superficiality/manipulative behaviors and arrogant smugness. He wove an image of being insecure and clueless. I had so many reservations and still question it bc of his extreme vulnerability/ability to seek pity and good guy image.

I feel deep in my core that who he was was extremely abnormal/scary/dangerous/unsafe; but then am wondering if I’m overreacting to the harm caused bc he never cheated on me or physically abused me. This last part I know is illogical and if a friend said this to me I would say that physical signs of disrespect are easier to deal with than emotional and psychological torture bc they’re concrete. At the end I even told him I hoped he would cheat on me so at least I had something tangible to match my feelings of betrayal and pain.

I was and am in therapy. Both talk and art therapy and emdr. But I’m struggling. I’ve been no contact 40 days. I just need some stories of recovery, positive encouragement, guidance, or just to hear from women who can relate so I know I’m not alone.