Traditional or controlling?

santarosa2020 · 2021-06-16T23:06:20+00:00

Firstly, welcome! It's a hard thing to make a switch in opinions. That is truly admirable that you are making good changes in your life.

You mentioned that you haven't had healthy relationships in the past. Have you had healthy friendships? You might want to start with healthy friends to form a good base for future dating. No matter where you live, conservative women can be found. Church and volunteering are great places to meet women friends.

On sharing passwords, I think it is much to early in your relationship with this man for that. My husband and I didn't share password until we were married. As far as male friends, my male friends became friends with my husband. I'm honestly closer to my female friends now that I'm married. In fact one of my husband's female friends is now a very close friend to me. I'd say it's too early to give up on male friendships too. Spending weekends together while dating that is normal. My husband and I spent most weekends together unless we had to help out friends or family.

fosho_away · 2021-06-16T20:37:16+00:00

I would proceed with caution. Be sure to vet vet vet and take your time getting to know this person. Acting like he owns your time and privacy are red flags in the early dating stages

Also, trust your gut.

anothergoodbook · 2021-06-16T21:28:45+00:00

My husband and I share all our passwords and do not have close friends of the opposite sex. But this was only when we got married. And while we don’t have the trackers on our phones - we each are totally okay with sharing that also if needed. Again - not until we were married.

My concern is spending all weekends with him. What does that mean? What if you’re invited to a bridal shower for women only on a Saturday?

OmarNBradley · 2021-06-17T16:43:15+00:00

It sounds like you haven't been together that long, you shouldn't be "fully committed" to him at this point since you are still assessing him, his character, your compatibility, all that stuff. My husband of 20 years and I share locations for logistical purposes but I would have been extremely reluctant to provide that information to a boyfriend of just a few months, and passwords for email et al would have been a hard no. There is no reason for him to require that level of access from a short-term girlfriend. You are not married, you are not engaged, you don't share a lease or property or health insurance or anything like that.

He will also be vetting and assessing you and maybe he will decide that he doesn't want to be with a woman who won't grant him such a high level of access after a short time.

Spending every weekend together isn't unusual in a new relationship. Sometimes, however, you have other plans; if you were going to visit your parents for the weekend or something like that, would he be disappointed or would he be angry?

The point of RP, for women, isn't to go all-in on "submitting" to a brand new boyfriend and doing everything he says he wants. It's to carefully evaluate whether this particular boyfriend is the kind of man you can see yourself yielding to on a regular basis for the rest of your life. Take your time. Junior enlisted are notorious for wanting to rush things along (that sweet sweet BAH), so don't let him push you on this.

Maleficent_Check_625 · 2021-06-16T19:57:21+00:00

It sounds like maybe he has trust issues and maybe was cheated on in the past? The wanting social media passwords sounds most worrying

blushingoleander · 2021-06-16T21:51:44+00:00

In a more established relationship that doesn't sound too crazy.

From everything I've ever heard, the military results in a lot of cheating so I could see where that is a point of paranoia for him.

My husband and I share location. We don't specifically share passwords but I also wouldn't hesitate for him to grab my phone or see my social media.

Do you have male friends where this one is an issue? Some people are ok with opposite sex friends some are not. It's not gendered but it might be an area where you are incompatible.

I'd want clarification on the weekends. A lot of times in a relationship there is an assumption that you will spend downtime together but you can always deviate. Is he ok if you have something else to do on a weekend and you let him know in advance?

None of these have to be a problem. It is ok if you decide that the relationship doesn't fit for you (either now or after trying it on for size). Keep your eyes open and involve trusted family and friends in the vetting process. If he is overly controlling, they might see things you miss.

TheBunk_TB · 2021-06-16T18:28:42+00:00

"he wants me to spend all weekends with him"

The military is stressful. He looks forward to spending time with you, especially if he gets forward deployed or has strict duty.

"He would not like for me to have male friends"

This is normal. Orbiters and low end "p hounds" will pull their best beta actions to either ruin your relationship or get "some" on the fly.

2021-06-16T21:03:49+00:00

[removed]

FlouncyMcTwinkle · 2021-06-17T16:22:34+00:00

The lack of trust this indicates would bother me. Sounds controlling in my opinion.

EvieFire · 2021-06-19T07:25:49+00:00

Military and 24.... it's quite possible he's been married and cheated on. Or LTR and cheated on.

A financial or living arrangement incentive for getting married + 6 month deployments makes for a lot of sad stories.

Aurosanda · 2021-06-17T11:27:06+00:00

I think it's reasonable. I have the same transparency with my husband of 13 years. We started melding those things (access to social media, bank accounts etc) about 6 months in. I moved in with after 3 months and we have rarely spent a day apart since then. When you are happy with you and your relationship that kind of shared information shows not only honesty but that your committed to your partner. I've always thought that the only time people make a big deal about those things is when they're not willing to be honest or are hiding something from their partner.

norse7575 · 2021-06-18T00:41:57+00:00

I vote traditional. A lot of people said it was too early to share passwords but that's in the eye of the beholder. The bottom line is that if you're ready to get married now, then the passwords should be shared now. If you're ready to get married in a year, the passwords can be shared in a year.

As far as male friends go, same thing. Spouses do not have a "right" to have opposite sex friends, it depends on your spouse's comfort level. This notion that if everyone is HV then noone has anything to fear regarding cheating is naive. Both people in the relationship have a duty to avoid, if possible, getting into scenarios that contain temptation.

My suggestion is to let him be around said male friends, sometimes a little familiarity can go a long way to putting concerns at ease.

Title	Traditional or controlling?
Author	catmos
Upvotes	12
Comments	21
Date	June 16, 2021 6:14 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/o1bfr0/traditional_or_controlling/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/traditional-or-controlling.784226 https://theredarchive.com/post/784226

Comments