Looking for a particular post about being childfree

brainsssszzzzz · 2021-04-16T15:51:56+00:00

I've never wanted kids, although I actually do like kids. It's probably from watching my mom be overwhelmed, have little-to-no help from my dad, and never have a single second to herself. It wasn't conscious, but looking back, I'm sure I saw that and decided that was not the life for me.

Of course with a community or an involved co-parent, it's completely different. I just don't want to risk ending up like my mom. Also I feel like having kids is something a person should actively choose, not just do because "that's what one does."

Also yeah, I never have to choose between my career-life-hobbies and raising a kid, which I think is an incredibly important task. There may be an element of "that's so much responsibility that I don't want to risk doing it wrong" in there for me as well.

I'm not sure I would say it's a cheatcode to life-- it may be a cheatcode to living a successful life as a man would want to. So I guess I see it more like Easy Mode.

desertedstreets · 2021-04-16T17:37:28+00:00

There are a multitude of reasons I have decided to remain childfree. I'd like to preface that I have immense admiration and respect for those that want and have children. These views are entirely my own that I have formed over intense introspection of my own life and experiences, as well as those of people around me.

I don't remember ever having that maternal instinct or urge to have kids ever since I was young. Growing up I always thought it was something a woman is 'supposed to do' after marriage. After I realized it is a choice and that I don't have to if I don't want to, I have actively decided it is not a path for me. I think children are wonderful but I don't see myself having my own in future.
Raising a child is a huge responsibility and a lifestyle change and I know I am not up for the challenge and don't have it in me what it would take to raise a decent human in this society and environment. There are a lot of shitty parents in this world and I don't want to be one of them. I have enough self awareness to realize it is not for me. I get overwhelmed and stressed very easily. My work is also extremely demanding (and rewarding) and something I take pride in and have worked very hard for. It will be extremely difficult to balance it with kids.
Extreme scarcity of HVM. I am happy being single and will never settle for a low quality man just so that I can have a family. If I do decide to have kids, I would want to raise them with equal contribution and support from my partner. I cannot and would not raise them as a single parent. I have seen my mother single handedly raise four kids while my dad used to be 'away at work', and what it did to her and how she never really bounced back after. If there is something I have learned from my parents it is that I don't want to be in a marriage like that or reduced to a position like my mother's.
I personally think the world will be a dire and bleak place not to mention dangerous and pretty much inhabitable in a few decades or so if not sooner, given the political and climatic changes we are already experiencing not to mention several others. It would be unfair to bring a child into this world and expect it to overcome or live with all the challenges and difficulties it had nothing to do with to begin with and still somehow excel and make a good life for itself. I will do what I can to not pass on this burden by not having children. I also don't think I have exceptional genes or anything that I'd like to pass on so as to 'leave behind a legacy' or continue the bloodline (point 1).

cutsforluck · 2021-04-16T20:58:50+00:00

I think it totally depends on your personal values.

In my case, I value FREEDOM. I need full autonomy in how I spend my time, my lifestyle choices, and how I use my resources (money etc).

I also don't *dislike* children, but like other commenters, I never had that 'maternal urge.' Basically, it seems like a bunch of shit I absolutely don't want: would have to totally compromise my values and lifestyle, take the risk of severe, permanent physical health detriments-- all of which I find unacceptable. And really, I think most people should examine their reasons for having children-- it seems like a lot of people have kids because it's 'socially acceptable', but are incapable of actually doing the job correctly (or they are 'good enough' parents, but thoroughly resent their children for the rest of their life).

This is my perspective now. Could it change, after I get married and my partner and I see it as something we want? Sure. But I'm not holding my breath.

amhran_oiche · 2021-04-16T16:06:29+00:00

I want kids, but I remember in my early 20s realizing I didn't have to. It was so freeing, and I feel stronger in my choice knowing it's my choice.

What scares me now is having kids with a man. :))) My second big revelation came about a year ago, now in my late 20s, realizing I can become a single parent by choice. I am actively working towards having kids (health-wise and financially) and if it happens with a man, fine, but I'm fully prepared to go another route when I feel I'm ready.

I know this isn't quite what you were asking but I thought I'd share. The biggest hindrance to me isn't kids, it's men, but I know for a lot of women it's kids and men.

questionasker012 · 2021-04-17T11:40:47+00:00

I’m childfree, and I personally see it as the best route to freedom, peace, and health. I’ve been called selfish for not wanting to have kids, but I think that slander is just proof that having is, indeed, a gargantuan self-sacrifice. I would so much rather take care of myself and give myself everything I possibly can.

Before I woke up to what parenting, and particularly motherhood, is really like I thought I would have kids because “that’s just what you do.” Thankfully I became aware before making such a life-altering decision.

It does make me very angry that women are expected to be endlessly self-sacrificing and happy about it. I think I dodged a grenade when I got sterilization surgery, and I’m still processing the outrage I have at how narrowly I escaped parenthood (if I hadn’t stopped to think, I likely would have passively gone with the life script).

I don’t want to live my life for babies. I want to live my life for myself. I want to direct all my energy, attention, money, and resources back inwards. I do worry sometimes that, beyond just criticizing me for it, people will persecute me for my childfreedom. I believe it’s my right to pursue happiness in this way - I think it’s an unalienable right - but in many parts of the world and even my own county people believe women owe it to society to have and raise babies. So while I believe this is my natural right, I also feel like I’m “cheating” or getting away with something because I think the majority of humanity currently views motherhood as an obligation.

Edit: I’m also very angry and upset at how society downplays how monumental it is to gestate a baby in your body. I’m not tokophobic and I don’t have an issue with other women becoming pregnant if that’s what they want, but have absolutely no desire to have a human growing in me. That would be such an invasion of my most sacred personal space: my own body. I’m so upset at how not only is this downplayed, but society actually pushes this on women and, in some cultures, forces/obligates them to go through it - multiple times. I anxiously await the day society truly respects women’s bodily autonomy and realizes HER BODY, HER CHOICE.

Mella_20 · 2021-04-16T19:25:32+00:00

I absolutely think being childfree is an easier life for women.

You're not tied to any man you let into your life. You have so many possibilities. You save money. They say if you don't have kids, your 30s are like your 20s just with money.

I personally can't have a kid. They say you should take care of yourself and put yourself first, but when you have a kid, you don't matter anymore. You could also be tied to an absolute douchbag for the rest of your life. Also, childbirth and childcare takes a toll on you physically.

They say to maintain your sanity you should fill your cup and give to others from the overflow only. I find this is only possible to do when you don't have kids. I feel like if I were to have kids, or even a partner, I will end up giving from the contents of my cup which was meant for me. Its inevitable.

When you're childfree, you're wealthier, more sane, you get to choose your relationships 100%, and you can pack up and move whenever you please.

I love kids. They're cute and they're smart, but I dont wanna be responsible for them.

PurpyPops · 2021-04-16T22:55:11+00:00

I have children. They are the most wonderful humans, but I'd be lying if I said there isn't an absence of freedom. I do very much value the freedom I do have, perhaps more than those who have it all the time. But it was my choice and consequently is my duty to raise them well, and I'd give up every ounce if I had to.

The greater issue, as many have mentioned, is being tied to their father, who emotionally abused me for many years, occasionally physically. He turned up yesterday to pick them up, told me all about his 1kg stash of psychedelic "mushies", offered me hash cookies IN FRONT OF OUR 13 YEAR OLD SON (I have a neurological condition, he was genuinely trying to be useful in his useless way), and had beer on his breath.

Sorry for the rant. My point: Being tied to a man for the rest of your life is a great reason not to have children.

Buckley92 · 2021-04-16T23:49:38+00:00

Title	Looking for a particular post about being childfree
Author	level_up_always
Upvotes	63
Comments	19
Date	April 16, 2021 2:46 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/ms4oe6/looking_for_a_particular_post_about_being/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/looking-for-a-particular-post-about-being.792201 https://theredarchive.com/post/792201

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