Making yourself happy

Qxc4 · 2021-05-31T13:40:47+00:00

Give yourself time to adjust. Your life has been entwined with someone else and now you have to learn to adjust to single life. Remake yourself. Become the person you were before your marriage, or better still, become the person you always wanted to be. You’re stronger and more resilient than you know.

sicrm · 2021-05-31T13:40:51+00:00

you made the mistake too many guys make.

once she becomes your happiness, that can be taken away.

it’s better to find your own happiness and bring her along.

considering reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-05-31T14:00:42+00:00

Happiness is sourced internally, not collected from another. If you’re looking for external happiness, then take time for introspection on what is actually missing from your life. Introspection is important for your long-term happiness. You spent years emotionally investing yourself in your wife. Now it’s time to invest in yourself.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2021-05-31T19:19:33+00:00

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas and plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

457755263 · 2021-05-31T18:14:15+00:00

I've been in your shoes and the only thing that helps is time.

You will be normal again.

jaihind123456 · 2021-05-31T18:42:19+00:00

When things are good between you, its like magic. When things turn sour as they have for me, why do we then say we need to love ourselves or we dont need her. If the marruage was perfect, we should be ourselves within marriage and not have to be ourselves by getting divorced

BlackmesaTBX · 2021-06-01T01:32:05+00:00

First you have to realize the truth and take radical responsibility - happiness (and therefore unhappiness) generates from inside YOU. No one is able to make you happy or unhappy. They will inevitably do things to disappoint you or even actively hurt you - but your happiness is yours. No one else’s. The sooner you practice this simple universal truth, the sooner you will be able to truly know real happiness.

gorgeexplorer · 2021-05-31T14:10:21+00:00

Also some back story, we ran away together and built a life had a kid and moved to a new town which is when I started to struggle because I couldn’t make my own friends. I was too focused on her and “family”. And gave up all my power. Anyways, I did a ton of the classic nice guy things and now I’m here.

Patriot0811 · 2021-05-31T14:31:03+00:00

Were you really that happy up till the end?

MomentSpecialist2020 · 2021-05-31T16:52:51+00:00

Go on a camping retreat. Find yourself first. Good luck.

Significant-Cup6078 · 2021-06-03T00:30:11+00:00

Do you love yourself? Can you look yourself in the mirror and say "I love myself". If you can't, learn. Your absolute source of happiness should not be attached to someone else. Be your biggest best friend. It's not easy to learn to love yourself, esp after so many bad habits of self loathing and negativity, but if you truly want to be happy then do the hardwork and change your narrative about yourself.

Best of luck. It is never too late to be happy if that is truly what you want. Take care.

Title	Making yourself happy
Author	gorgeexplorer
Upvotes	9
Comments	16
Date	May 31, 2021 1:34 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/np3j4a/making_yourself_happy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/making-yourself-happy.816890 https://theredarchive.com/post/816890

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