Badmouthing Your Man

ColdEiric · 2016-06-20T11:52:49+00:00

When women get together, they often get to talking bad things about their SOs.

"Why would you hit your own wife?! That's like keying your own car."

DivaExMachina · 2016-06-20T14:33:02+00:00

Any men around or women familiar with this type of behavior?

Yes, a bunch of my female friends do it. For some of them it involves wanting feedback on serious relationship issues but more often than not it's idle complaining about genuinely trivial things. I think it has less to do with SMV than with social bonding and peer pressure.

I don't have much of an idea of how to overcome it

My personal policy is not to say or put in writing anything that I wouldn't say to my husband's face. If I feel tempted to gossip about him then I try to imagine how he'd feel if he overheard it. Or how I would feel if he complained about me in the same way. It just takes self discipline and some empathy.

And perhaps some on how to deal with friends who like to do this?

Change the subject. Alternatively try to turn it into a 'husband bragging' session by saying something nice about your man instead. Make them envious ;o)

That also makes me wonder is there a male equivalent.

Not sure if it's really equivalent but I've known many men who like to pretend that they are helplessly stuck in dictatorial relationships. Eg. My dad often refers to my mum as 'the boss' when he's with others, even though my mother is pretty undemanding. Where I live I often hear husbands refer to their wives as 'the government' which I really hate.

Azlyna333 · 2016-06-20T15:45:31+00:00

Gossipping or talking about others seems like emotional masturbation. While you're doing it, it seems like you're bonding but there's no intimacy built. You pretend like you're processing your emotions with your friends. But you're only expressing emotions in reference to others, rather than processing your emotions in reference to yourself.

You can only control how you behave and feel. It doesn't matter what the other people in your life are doing. It matters how you are going to deal with it internally. That hardcore emotional conversation would build intimacy with your friends - provided they have the depth and maturity to have substantive conversations.

redpillnobody · 2016-06-20T13:18:39+00:00

Related anecdote from my fiancee:

My now fiancee (then gf) was to be the maid of honor at her best friend's wedding around a year ago. For the bachelorette party, they stayed over at a city around an hour away, got their nails and hair done, did some fun things and went out to eat. They came back to the hotel that evening to open presents, and it turned into a 45-minute SO-bashing session.

Other than my fiancee in the room, there was the best friend/bride to be, the bride's mother and sister, the groom's mother and sister, and another couple of female friends. This is a total of 8-9 females together. Every single one of them other than my fiancee was going in, non-stop, just basically about how stupid and useless their men were.

My fiancee was more or less appalled at how long it went on and how she was almost made fun of for not joining in. When she got home the next day, it was the first thing out of her mouth, and she was visibly upset at how they had acted towards her because of that. The moms in particular made comments after the fact and the next day about her not joining in and how she must be "a good little submissive housewife" like trying to get under her skin.

happilymarried30yrs · 2016-06-20T18:40:30+00:00

It's a victim game of "look how bad I have it, feel sorry for me and give me sympathy and attention!"

JackGetsIt · 2016-06-20T15:20:18+00:00

I love orchids. My friends and family buy orchids that are blooming and then toss them when the blooms drop. They find no beauty in staring at an Orchid without a beautiful flower stalk. I take them in, water them, fertilize, figure out their genus and adjust their light levels, re-pot and eventually (sometimes after years) they re-flower. If I take care of them properly they split off and create more orchids. It doesn't take a lot of maintenance but it does take consistency and an understanding that Orchids are not disposable single use commodities.

Men bond over sports, work, competition, politics, etc. Women bond over talking about relationships and predominantly their own relationships with men. The reason these discussions often go negative is because feminism has taught women that men are replaceable commodities. If you see your partner as a replaceable commodity you're not going to protect him and defend him in front of others. In fact you're going to be constantly finding fault with it in the hopes that you may some day replace it with a better model.

It sounds like OP does not see her partner this way. Women who see their partners as long term investments will want to protect and grow that investment. Why would you want to bad mouth and erode something that you want to grow and nurture?

It's OK to vent to close friends on occasion but venting and complaining on a regular basis without action is a recipe for resentment and long term destruction of ANY relationship.

[deleted] · 2016-06-20T18:01:18+00:00

[permanently deleted]

pcadrian · 2016-06-20T20:33:05+00:00

I was wondering what was the cause of it, and I concluded that it might me an instinct to lower your partner's SMV so that he'd have no options and you could keep him around

It's simpler than that. It's herd mentality combined with this becoming socially acceptable (you see this sort of thing in movies all the time), as well as a lack of respect for their man.

I don't have much of an idea of how to overcome it

Would you talk this way about your father?

TheRedStoic · 2016-06-20T20:40:22+00:00

Definitely familiar.

A lot of women I know do it when I'm around and their men aren't. Only when other women are present. (I have a few female club friends, they won't say a word when other men are around, but if 2 women join the group the trashing comes out)

In my circle of guys, we don't ever trash our women. Ever. We seek advice, we'll talk about our problems, but everything spoken of is a question of evidence vs action. I can't speak to other circles of guys, but if a new guy in the circle every began bashing his girl he'd quickly be shut up by "so why are you with her." And a bunch of blank annoyed stares.

I can't speak to female psychology when it comes to the well known archetype of mate bashing in female groups, I can only say I've seen it play out that easy myriad times.

To this day I cannot figure out if it's something that happens because it's expected or something natural.

MsSadieDunham · 2016-06-20T12:04:35+00:00

When women get together

Women just gossip, that's just what we do. Idk why we do it and I personally hate that part of myself, lol. Unfortunately the thing women love to complain and gossip about the most is their SO. and once one starts, the others join in. Like /u/pcadrian said, it's herd mentality.

I don't have much of an idea of how to overcome it

It's just one of those things that takes good old fashioned discipline. It has to be a decision in your mind, "I'm not going to bad mouth my SO" and then you don't do it.

how to deal with friends who like to do this?

I would try and change the subject, steer the conversation away from man bashing and just don't participate or even make it seem like you're listening when that starts up. Or if it's a reoccurring problem and it's all your friends, then I would suggest getting new friends.

Title	Badmouthing Your Man
Author	Mentathiel
Upvotes	10
Comments	20
Date	June 20, 2016 9:04 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/4oxu6q/badmouthing_your_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/badmouthing-your-man.86235 https://theredarchive.com/post/86235

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