It was a little over a week ago. I'm not traumatized to the degree that I could be (I'm not at risk of PTSD or depression or anything, and I have to admit that I was flattered although surprised by that kind of attention), but there's definitely some shit going around in my head that I wish would go away.

I was involved in a band that was put together for a handful of shows, and there is a woman who was part of the group. She had told me she had a girlfriend, so I never suspected that there was any potential for something between us.

We were at a post-show party at her best friend's house. I had a few too many drinks, so I decided to hold off on driving for a few hours. She was staying over at this friend's house, the dude was in his room, and so I just dozed off on the couch while sobering up.

When I woke up, this woman had her pants half off, and she had undone my zipper and was starting to go down on me. I was completely disoriented, a bit woozy, and the whole thing felt really fucked up.

Here's the thing. I am married, and very happily so. But I have had a problem in the past with fidelity (13 years clean), and this kind of shit can ruin a marriage. I stood up, got the hell out of dodge, sobered up for another little bit in my car, and then went home.

I would have been past it and moving on by this point, but last night my wife had a really serious talk with me. She knows there is something wrong. I have been a bit off-kilter since it happened. I didn't tell her what happened. I don't want to tell anybody about it. I don't want to be a victim, I just want to forget it, and I want to move past it. But in the week after it happened, there were other events where my wife and I ran into this girl, and my wife can see that there's some sort of shit between us. My wife is not generally suspicious of me, but she told me that she is getting a serious vibe when I'm in the same area with this woman.

Here's the fucked up part (oh, all the parts are fucked up). I told this woman the next day that it was not cool what she did, and she acted like it was no big deal. I'm not a very aggressive or forthcoming person, and I hate to ruffle people's feathers, so I was nicer to her about it than I should have been. (And I think that maybe I had a little crisis of masculinity about the whole thing?) Also, I had to work with her for one more week in this band, and I didn't want to have the rest of the otherwise enjoyable band experience be all fucked up. Anyway, I wasn't as strongly condemning about it as I should have been.

I had told her a little about my wife in the course of conversation over the few weeks we were working together, so she knew I was married. And when I told her it was not cool, she said, "Was that a little bit more than you were comfortable with?" And then she just acted like nothing had happened. So there's just a sense of dismissiveness that bothers me a little. Not to mention, I was terrified that she would say something to someone for whatever reason.

I don't want to press charges. I don't want justice, I don't want closure. I don't want sympathy. The band is over, and I'm not going to have to see this woman again. I just want the experience to go away, and drop out of my brain so that I can go back to my life without this shit rattling around in my head.

I don't want to talk to my wife about it. I don't want to tell her. I don't want to tell anyone about it. Maybe it's a shitty coping strategy, but I don't want to turn something that was mildly unpleasant and generally fucked up into some sort of big life trauma. I just want to chalk it up to a bad thing that happened, and then never think about it again.

I am not blaming myself, BUT I can't shake a sense of culpability, because I was letting her flirt with me at that party that night. I enjoyed letting her flirt with me. I didn't think she was ACTUALLY flirting with me, for reasons that are unimportant in this context, but I did let her do it, and in that sense, maybe gave her the idea that I wanted to get sexual. And honestly, I'm a red-blooded male, and she is cute girl, so I have a bit of guilt on board because I know that if I were a single guy with the opportunity, and devoid of my current life context, I surely would have let her continue, and I'm sure it would have been great.

Here's the dilemma. If I had told my wife that I was assaulted, I run the risk of her accusing me of wanting it (maybe not accusing me to my face, but always wondering in the back of her mind if I was a willing participant), and then I have some fucked up relationship issues that are suddenly coming to the fore. So I lied to her (lie of omission), and didn't tell her about it at all. But being a liar is pretty bad. I don't like to lie, and I'm not good at it.

If I were beaten up on the street, I could either tell her, or not tell her, and it would just be a personal choice, no harm, no foul. The fact that this was sexual in nature means I'm fucked if I do, I'm fucked if I don't, and I'm angry.

The only reason I'm posting this here to to get it off my chest. I'm not traumatized enough to see a counselor, I don't need therapy, I don't need a support group. I just needed someplace where I could vent anonymously, and this sub was all I could think of.