Choosing Therapist

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-03-15T13:16:04+00:00

I have a radical view: Therapists are mostly worthless. Most therapy models thrive on perpetuating the cycle of identifying as a victim. People who live their lives looking in the rear view mirror tend to crash their cars. Even if you understand the causes of your emotions and actions, you may feel incapable of creating meaningful change and finding relief from intrusive psychological symptoms. Therapy rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) provides you practical tools to address your distress:

Cost Benefit Analysis
ABC tool is to address and dispute those beliefs that are not working for you.
Wear a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you have a thought you want to stop, snap the rubber band and say the word "stop".

If you can't find a local therapist focusing on CBT or REBT, check out SMART Recovery online (I have no affiliation).

Depression: Relationships are a drug addiction, literally. The same area of the brain that processes romantic love is also stimulated during cocaine use. It's going to take you a while to detox yourself from the sudden loss of dopamine. You can mitigate the cold turkey aspect similar to how methadone works -- replace the addiction with something else that allows you to wean yourself from the original addiction. It's one of many reasons you hear men tell other men to "hit the gym", listen to loud music or get a runner's high to trigger dopamine. Doing so gets you out of your own head. Dopamine tends to make us feel good, motivated, and give us energy. Because, dopamine is related to a neuromodulator called epinephrine which gives us energy. Epinephrine is made from dopamine. Caffeine also increases dopamine.

if you’re a guy and you want to get your life in order, and you can’t be bothered to work out, what are the chances you’re going to do anything else slightly uncomfortable to improve your life? Working out is a chance to be selfish. Your workout is where no one is allowed to talk to you. No one is allowed to bother you. You aren’t required to think about anything else while you have weights over your head. You’re doing something for nobody’s benefit other than your own. This may be the first time in your life you’re looking out for your own best interests. It’s such a small thing. But if you handle the small things, you can build on it to improve your self-esteem and handle the large things. Small victories compound each other. You build confidence. Competence leads to confidence.

Jbr74 · 2023-03-15T16:04:58+00:00

I've had the same therapist for years (female) started seeing her in 2014 for about 3 years, then stopped. Started with her again in 2020 and have been consistent since then. (My divorce was in 2019)

In a lot of areas, she's helped me, so I am thankful for that.

However, I wish I had chosen a male therapist because there are just certain things she won't/can't get. To the point now, where I'm considering someone new, but I'd likely spend the next year getting the new therapist up to speed, so that's very frustrating.

I feel I'm in a stagnant relationship with my therapist, lol. I don't want to start over, but I feel my needs aren't being met fully either.

The reason I chose a female was back in 2014 I was still naive and thought that women were more caring and compassionate. OMG was I a dumbass then.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-03-16T11:30:14+00:00

A female therapist is trained in feminist ideology, not how to help men.

If you are OK with that, proceed.

AudreyTooTwo · 2023-03-16T12:36:09+00:00

My experience: I needed help during my divorce. I was feeling loneliness, guilt, anger, sadness, and many other emotions, all thrown together. I found a nearby therapist. A woman, had a Ph.D in clinical psychology, all the right certificates, nice office, etc.

She was nice. And she asked some important questions. But she wanted me to read some books. I was eager to give it a try, so I downloaded them from amazon right away. I can't remember the titles, but they were all sorta summarized with: You're a man so that means you're the asshole. You've tried apologizing, but you're too stupid to know how to REALLY apologize. So you need to work on your apology skills.

Um, okay. I mean, I get it. I wasn't blameless in my marriage. But I had a long list of legitimate complaints against my wife that no one was acknowledging. I suppose I needed validation. Or whatever. But the books she suggest really turned me off.

What's really funny is that amazon started giving me more book recommendations based on my purchases. It suggested No More Mr. Nice Guy. I bought it based on the reviews. When it arrived, I read it all in one setting. Some of the chapters left me speechless. Some made me cry. I never went back to the therapist.

I'm not saying ALL the answers are in one book. In fact, I skipped one or chapters that didn't resonate with me. But the point is you have to find something that makes sense to you, that resonates with you, that energizes you, that doesn't just blame you for being a man.

I'm with the consensus here; therapy is mostly a waste of time, especially with a woman trained in an educational system that's more and more Feminist-friendly.

yellowstars260 · 2023-03-16T17:34:29+00:00

I’m sorry to hear your time with your therapist hasn’t been up to your expectations. Have you communicated this with your therapist ? I would encourage you to bring it up during session a form of advocacy for yourself. If you haven’t. It sounds like she is establishing rapport. Or practicing client centered therapy which is is a non-directive approach to talk therapy that requires the client to actively take the lead during each therapy session, while the therapist acts mainly as a guide or a source of support for the client (mostly listening).

Basically the client leads and the therapist listens. And you are ready to hit the ground running to improve your life. It sounds like you both are not on the same page. I always ask my clients “was todays session helpful” if not “how could it be more helpful?” It helps me understand what stage of change the client is currently at. Their expectations for each session as well.

CBT is a great intervention for depression and anxiety. There are other therapeutic modalities as well that your therapist can explore with you as well. Psychodynamic, DBT, narrative therapy, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, MI, humanistic therapy, play therapy (usually for children but adults enjoy it too) and solution focused. There are many more I noticed others mentioned in the thread to.

DBT is my personal favorite as I work with highly suicidal clients or those who self harm. I hope this helped from a therapist perspective!! Communication is key.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2023-03-15T14:56:57+00:00

Waste of time. Here is your therapy:

Daily gym (Consistency is key. Make it a habit. No gym? Go for a run. I do it daily).
Daily reading of New Testament
Daily Prayer
Daily Journaling.

Special_Profit4509 · 2023-03-15T14:41:18+00:00

It's a process with therapy. Unfortunately there's no quick fix. Some coping mechanism are horrible latter down the road. Also the sex of the therapist has nothing to do. I have had good mix of good and bad ones. I really would go to the gym, run and build a friend's group. It's seriously more important that you remake yourself into something you can be proud of.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2023-03-15T12:54:25+00:00

I've found that the gender of the therapist doesn't matter much. I had a great male therapist, and I had a great female one as well.

After 5 sessions, your therapist should be giving you some help, beyond just listening. I'd keep in mind that "Cs still get degrees", and a LCSW has much less training than an EdD or a PhD. If she isn't helping you, I'd move on.

BosPatriot71 · 2023-03-15T16:33:43+00:00

You absolutely should be getting solid help by now. Time for a change. My thoughts:

I generally vibe better with females vs males but I have a male therapist now. Female left the practice. Current guy is good. Very direct, which I appreciate.
You should seek one who focuses or specializes in CBT and mindfulness strategies.
As a complement to therapy, the gym has been a savior for me. Helps with everything: sleep, weight, food, cognitive function, etc.

RichardCleveland · 2023-03-16T19:55:47+00:00

You would know by session 5 if the person is a good fit or not. If you are asking that question they probably are not. Regardless of WHY you seek therapy it can take a few tries to find someone who "clicks".

Sex of the therapist doesn't matter, it's all about who you feel comfortable with.

I would try to find someone who specializes in marriage, divorce / trauma. Most that fit that description will have the ability to treat anxiety, depression etc.

Title	Choosing Therapist
Author	vickyprodigy
Upvotes	5
Comments	14
Date	March 15, 2023 12:27 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/11ruwdj/choosing_therapist/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/choosing-therapist.1176926 https://theredarchive.com/post/1176926

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