This is an update and post to help me process and maybe help others. Background: together for 19 and married for 15 years. I struggled with alcohol and didn’t stop when she asked for many years. Was controlling in the marriage now that I look back and understand her perspective. Little lies were told here and there because it was easier than being open and honest. Trust was whittled away over time. She fell out of love and divorced me because of my poor decisions and not putting the relationship first.

Our final decree should be in a couple of months. Our agreement is signed and final. She has shown Nothing but respect and courtesy toward me and I have a good relationship with my kids and a very fair deal out of the divorce.

The grieving comes and goes. Last couple of days has been hard. Everyone says to work on yourself, no one can make you happy but yourself, and to give it time. She is very happy now from all outward appearances.

I go to the gym 4 times a week, a few friends and a strong family. I’ve read the books, took the mushrooms to help process, got out and tried to meet new people, dated, and my counselor says I’m doing good things to get through. I still don’t feel like it.

What the fuck does it mean to love yourself and make yourself happy. When I’m alone, all I feel like doing is sitting and watching TV. Im 5’10”, make almost 150k, no debt other than my house, in great shape and health, and have decent dating prospects. I have no reason to keep this heavy shit weighing me down, and yet it never really goes away.