I (39M) marriage to (43F) and I made poor decisions in my marriage and ultimately am the cause of our divorce. I couldn’t get my drinking under control and didn’t do what I said I was going to. I said I would slow down, denied I had a problem, and continued to let her down. I’ve struggled with depression over the last five years and resented her for not getting my way in certain aspects of our life. This came out in various ways, passive aggressiveness being one.

Years ago, I went and got a happy ending massage during a depression low, regretted it and told no one. A year ago an issue with drinking came up and she decided that she wanted out. I came clean with everything and we went to counseling, spent a lot of money on that. We have 2 kids and I desperately wanted to stay married. I tried hard to change, got sober, started working out again and got healthy. We were getting better I thought. Ultimately she said she had given me enough time and decided she wanted a divorce. Been having a beer or 2 lately, and started my nicotine habit back.

She beautiful, looks amazing, has a great career making over 6 figures, and is a great caring person. I’m devastated. My kids are going to suffer from this, and I have a tremendous amount of guilt from everything. I feel like I can’t come back from this, and I’ll never find the caliber of woman I was so lucky to have. I’ve continued to work on myself emotionally, it’s supposed to be better for me anyway right?

I’m 5’10”, decent looking I think, in shape, and make well over 100k. Just being on dating sites and seeing the amount of rejection is even more depressing.

This is a journalism post to help process. If you’re close to divorce and made some shitty decisions, try to fix what you can and make up for it. It was too late for me.

Is the grass greener on the other side? I don’t think so right now. Sorry for typos, on the phone.