Dating too soon?

Gattsama · 2023-09-30T07:47:01+00:00

First, the one year rule is a hard and fast rule. The reason it's normally mentioned is that 80% of divorces are filed by women, and a lot of guys never saw it coming or were neither emotionally nor mentally prepared for it. They get their world rocked, then they meet a new woman and mistake those new feels as a life line. Resulting in making sometimes horrible mistakes (including remarrying) . But ever situation is different.

Models is a great book. The key take away points are know what you want, have strong boundaries, work on being your best self and be vulnerable. If you can do that, dating will be ok. That might be 1 day, 1 year, or 10 years+ after the divorce. Plus some people have like 2-5 years of separation prior to the divorce.

It's not out place to tell you whom to date or when. The advise from most here would be to be 100% vulnerable and make your intentions clear. Don't know what they are yet?? Then be very careful. Do you at least know you boundaries? Because you need to be prepared to walk away if your boundaries are crossed.

In my case, together 17 years, married 12 years, no kids. I filed for divorce. After 13 months separated divorced Nov 2022. I was a virgin when we meant. I'm 49y/o and a 'hot item' on the dating market. But I hate dating, despise it in fact. I went on about a dozen dates after the divorce but more for 'experimental' and 'learning.' As it turns out a co-worker (red flag) that had a crush on me for a long time let it known. And because we have e great friendship and bounded over out divorces, I decided to give it a try with her. So far it's been pretty fucking amazing being with her. Has really helped me heal. And I am 100% clear that I have no idea what will happen 6mo from now. I might change jobs, move, just out grow us. She claims to understand and just wants to enjoy me as much as possible as long as possible.

I am NOT investing my heart and soul, nor my freedom. The point I'm trying to make is we are NOT responsible for their feelings. Make yourself 100% clear and then she, as a grown adult, is free to accept or reject what you offer based on where you are at.

Do NOT do things are that 'not aligned with what I really want.' That can ONLY lead to drama! You are feeding her a false sense of yourself and you are not being true to yourself. It's ok if she she gets her feelings hurt, as long as you are 100% honest about who you are and where you are at.

I have a girlfriend, I am monogamous. But I refuse to do anything that is not aligned with myself. Recently she asked about going to some Alice in Wonderland themed lunch place. I looked at the pictures and it was not for me, so I said just that "sorry, but this does not look like my scene.' She said ok. And that's it. IF she had throwed a fit about it, I would pull back and if there was any guilting or drama; I would cancel the relationship. Now I was simping hard during a large part of the marriage; and I have zero desire to ever be in that situation again. But that was my choice, I chose poorly.

Please try to remove the pressure from yourself. The goal isn't to find a new wife. You don't owe her anything. Just be transparent, honest and vulnerable. She can choose to accept or reject that... the end.

Be safe out there...

techrmd3 · 2023-09-30T19:00:37+00:00

you were all over the place but let me talk about miss 48

First rule of single mom date club is NEVER EVER believe the story single mom tells.
Second rule of single mom date club re-read rule 1 again

Never take a woman's story at face value. For all you know the Hubs travels for work and would be surprised the missus is claiming she's "separated"

Safety Dance Rule One - never have sex at the woman's location EVER

Don't do it. Arrange for son to be away, get a hotel if you have to never ever sleep with your luv luv anywhere you don't know WHO will show up.

For me a 48 year old with soccer kids, has a profile "no FWB" is kind of a red flag. A gal only puts that on her profile if her last fling turned out to be a FWB but she didn't know that getting into it.

With that said if you can control which bed you do the deed in she seems good to go for a roll in the hay.

YOU should realize that you will need to sleep with about 5 women to get past the "I love her just like my ex I want to get married just like my ex" stupid think out of your system.

So yes Miss or Mrs 48 is Mrs Right Now not Mrs Right.

Classic-Ad8157 · 2023-09-30T09:48:07+00:00

It’s hard to tell, everyone is different.

I signed up for a few sayings sites about three months into my divorce after I found out that my STBXW was already dating. The divorce was her idea and I’m 99% sure that she was fucking someone else during the marriage anyway, but in the long run losing that short, fat little bitch has been awesome for my mental/physical health.

But I digress…

I have probably been on 6 dates in a number of months. One girl will reach out, we’ll grab a coffee and see where it goes. Throughout the early days of this process I realized that I had lost the ability to communicate with women. I am honing my skills with each passing date and it feels good. I ask them all what they’re looking for right up front and tell them what I want. If they bail, so be it. If they stick around I’m guaranteed to get laid, if not then so be it. 75% of them just want sex despite what their profile says.

I’ve also been rejected by some, which motivates me to spend more time in the gym and work the hell out of myself. But little doses of rejection combined with a STBXW who’s trying to rip my soul out has actually been good for my recovery, it’s like armor plating.

I had a gorgeous 40-something that I’ve been talking to and things were getting pretty heavy over text and phone convos. We’ve been trying to meet but we both have kids and it’s difficult. We were shooting for Monday to hookup but she told me that her ex hubby gave her HSV years ago, so I think that option is shot. It’s too bad, because she was very sweet, kinky, and very kind but I don’t want to mess with that shit.

At the same time another one messages me and I start the conversation with “hey I don’t want to be too forward but what are you looking for”? She said she’s looking for someone to hang out with and be casual with….perfect. We’re meeting next week sometime. I used to spend days having the same, bullshit text conversation about work, life, dogs, kids and everything else. Now I say “hey, here’s my number, let’s grab a coffee, chat and see if there’s mutual attraction” once they reach out, you start the game and you can get laid quickly.

The key I have found is, the more you cycle through them, the better your game gets and the losses are a bit easier which equals healing faster while getting your needs met which also gives you a little more swagger. Your subconscious needs the confidence boost, which translates on the surface to covert swagger.If I find one that has a profound effect on my heart, then I’ll deal with that. No one can hurt me like my STBXW so I’m not worried about rejection anymore. They need attention, I need attention and when we’re done we both say goodbye. I’m in the drivers seat and most of them (except for feminists) love it, but they’re fundamentally broken anyway.

You’re never going to grow unless you put yourself out there. Do it if you want to

DizcoMafia · 2023-09-30T07:07:25+00:00

Don't force yourself into doing things you don't want to do. Ease yourself slowly. Take your time. Spend more time doing things you enjoy.

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-09-30T15:40:14+00:00

Sounds like you've stumbled upon a "soul snatcher", because she's already made you break your own self promise of no second dates. And, if you have to even ask if it's worth the risk, it's not. You've employed too much thought/feelings into this for it to be emotionally healthy. I'd say that a polite excuse is called for now as to why you're no longer available for round two.

Available_Track_8286 · 2023-10-01T17:35:22+00:00

"Even the one who only wanted sex, I didn't like how she looked...."

Care to elaborate? What did she look like? Do you mean you didn't really find her attractive? Just FYI, I'm divorced myself, and and really miss sex; too lazy to get into dating, so considering Sugar Baby at the moment. In fact, I got one lined up for a M&G soon, but having second thoughts whether to cancel or not.

Title	Dating too soon?
Author	Rollercoaster72
Upvotes	3
Comments	19
Date	September 30, 2023 6:37 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16vzofi/dating_too_soon/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dating-too-soon.1233485 https://theredarchive.com/post/1233485

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