Dealing with divorce as an introvert

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2021-10-04T03:44:52+00:00

Introvert, extrovert… I am an introverted extrovert. Meaning, I love being with people and talking to strangers and hearing their stories but to recharge I go off into the wilderness and do not see or talk to anyone for weeks at a time. I hate people. I also love them.

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just the basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and high-intensity cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds endurance and strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something. The idea is that you find something that brings you joy and keeps your mind and body occupied.

Stay away from alcohol (drugs), do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And also get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this. Can’t sleep? Try melatonin, sleep / relaxation apps, meditation, prayer, fixed bed time routine.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas that you could do in 10-20 hours a week then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits). Maybe doing some driving for Lyft / Uber or Door Dash, real estate investing (podcast Bigger Pockets) or maybe you have some skill you haven’t used in a bit that can bring in some extra cash (Tutoring, guitar lessons, dog walker, etc).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace. If you are religious pray, read your Bible or other holy book.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art, plants, and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Do NOT feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions. Sometimes sessions won’t be super productive other times they will be. It’s a process that takes some time and won’t last forever. But it will help you struggle through the mental quagmire (shit) and grow stronger and move on.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book. Learn to listen at faster speeds.):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

Can’t Hurt Me

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do.

Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. Do not let her draw you into talking about these things. They are yours and yours alone.

This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other. Your journey won’t be straight, some days you will feel like shit, some days you won’t. The important thing is that you keep doing some positive things in your life, for yourself.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out and be honest with yourself and accept feedback from those that know you (family, friends, therapist). Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do NOT repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

Don’t give up, you’ve got this.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-10-04T12:40:31+00:00

Dating is the last thing you need. You don't understand female nature, and until you do you're going to ignore the same red flags your wife had. You've put your wife on a pedestal, and now you're reaping the results.

Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You must become independent before you can become interdependent. Only fools construct homes on shaky foundations. If you think you need a woman to “complete” yourself, you’re just distracting yourself from the work you need to do. Too many men stay in unhealthy relationships because they are too afraid of being alone.

Bill Burr summed it up well: Realize that sleeping alone on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse? Sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple of kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount of risk to playing it safe.

You need to invest one year into yourself for self-discovery, renovation and revitalization. Find things that you've always wanted to do, learn and experience and enjoy those things for a year. Develop your skills and knowledge in these things (rock climbing, playing a musical instrument, billiards, etc) and you'll find yourself making more time for them. If you do that well, you’ll have the foundation for a lifetime of happiness.Then what you'll find is that after this investment in yourself, the women that come into your life won't be competing against other women for your attention. They'll be competing against things that really bring you joy and fulfillment. And it will take a truly exceptional woman to accomplish that.

Signs you are not finished with your post-divorce reconstruction:

You fear being alone.
You seek validation from a partner.
You’re still renting headspace to your ex.

When you no longer need to clutch onto a relationship, and you have your best self to offer, that’s how you know you’re ready.

Imaginary-Set-9678 · 2021-10-04T01:34:40+00:00

Im a introvert myself. Im currently going through this as well and its hard for me as well

The best way to help cope with this is go for a walk around anywhere. Ya neighborhood. park, whatever. Take in the sounds all around you. Focus on the good.

Also think about hitting the gym. Im about to start myself since the last time i did was in the Navy and it helped me out when i was going through some shit during that time.

Join a community online too. Discord as many many communities that can help bring you together with people even if they are many miles away

Tis_Of_Thee · 2021-10-04T12:38:13+00:00

All the advice here is good. I would add that you should work on being your own best friend and getting into a support group for divorced men - you'll have lots to talk about, will help you mentally, and you get friendships out of it.

hombredelgato · 2021-10-04T12:39:09+00:00

If intellectual stimulation is that important to you perhaps a lifestyle change into something with that level of rigor is a better option that attempting to date. Most articles on post-divorce will tell you to wait at least a year. A plurality will tell you to get into therapy and start working out.

You have a LOT to figure out, especially with a toddler to co-parent. I'd suggest taking the early stages slow. Hang out with the friends you have now and look for options to add more. Don't shut out anyone who is rooting for you, even the annoying Christians. If the person is cheering for you, keep them in your life and foster a deeper relationship with them. Especially those friends and family who can help you with toddler stuff... You'll need them for that part of your life more than you can imagine.

And yes... Get a therapist. If nothing else, he/she will be the ONLY person you can't tell a living sole what you tell them (with the reasonable limitations about safety and criminality). No matter how good your friends are too you, or who it is in your family, there is always a limit on what/how you can say anything. Having the therapy relationship is hugely beneficial in this context.

Stay Strong.

BobblesBallgame · 2021-10-04T23:44:08+00:00

This is the way.

Dealing with divorce as an introvert

Crosspost "Dealing with divorce as an introvert" from /r/Divorce:

Comments

Title	Dealing with divorce as an introvert
Author	No_Committee8461
Upvotes	8
Comments	8
Date	October 4, 2021 1:27 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/q0vfcv/dealing_with_divorce_as_an_introvert/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dealing-with-divorce-as-an-introvert.1077751 https://theredarchive.com/post/1077751