Hey all. Today was my lowest low yet, it's only been about an hour since all this went down. I'm ashamed to be typing this even though it's to strangers on the internet, but I don't really have anyone else I can talk to fully and honestly. I'm a little over 3 weeks separated. You can read some of my previous posts for a little more backstory on the situation with her friends.

Me and my stbx have a visitation agreement where she will see our son 3 days a week at my home, due to her mental health issues I feel I need to supervise and to provide more stability for our son.

She agrees to the visitation, but it tears me up inside to see her. She has so fully emotionally moved on and she is so much happier living with her friends, they are fulfilling her emotional needs more than I ever could apparently because she's always so happy now. She says they've always loved her and she's always loved them and they haven't hurt her like I have. It rips me to shreds to see her happier living with them, away from me and the home we built together.

Well today she came to see our son. We went to the park where they were doing a big event. We got food together, went to the park and had the best time. We got home and made Halloween cookies together. We were all so happy.

I just couldn't stop thinking "We are so happy now that I've changed, why can't we be together? Every day could be like this now. Why is she so happy to leave this and go back there to her friends most of the week?"

Well about an hour before she was going to leave, that's when it started pouring out to me. I told her my feelings. I said "You had a great day today right? I had a great day too. Every day could be like this. These are the days we should have had from the beginning. I want another chance to make it right and make every day as great as today was for me, you, and our son."

She just said "Mhm." I asked her if she would give me another chance. She started bringing up all the bad things of the past, basically me being emotionally neglectful to her for a long time, which I believe is true and it hurts so bad to think about all the times I passed up spending time with her. I told her "I was so sorry for all those things and they eat me up every day, I just want a chance to show you I have changed and I would kill to make every day like today."

She said no, it's too late and I've already hurt her. That she's being given true love by her friends and she's doing better than ever, though she said she still has issues with self worth and they are helping her with it.

I hugged her crying and begged her not to leave again, I couldn't stand to see her go again. She just started packing up her things she had brought. She could tell I was hysterical so she asked "Are you going to hurt yourself?". Honestly in the moment I was so upset, I really didn't know. I said "I don't know. I don't want you to think I'm manipulating you, but honestly I don't know."

She sat down with me but she really didn't know what to say. It was a catch 22 for her and I hate that, I've read about how some people use it as a manipulation tactic but that wasn't my intention. All I could say was "I don't want you to worry about me, but honestly I don't know if I can go on without you."

After a bit more back and forth with it, she ended up leaving back to her friends. I called her and apologized saying I'm sorry for putting you in that situation and ruining an otherwise good day of co-parenting. I was feeling horribly depressed, but I got myself up and cleaned up a bit and now I'm here typing this.

Man this is a horrible feeling. Not only did I basically break down and beg her to come back to me, but I even went so low as to admit suicidal feelings to her putting her in a catch 22 situation. Feeling so sad and pathetic. This may even ruin the visitation agreement we made, she may no longer feel comfortable being here with me during visitation, and hell I can't blame her after how I acted today.

I am getting help for these feelings with therapy and a psychiatrist. I have no plans to commit suicide, but the depression of a divorce you didn't want can definitely bring out feelings you didn't even know you were capable of feeling. That being said, I feel so bad for laying that down on her. She is no longer my support system, she shouldn't be the person I go to for those sorts of things and all it does is put her in a catch 22 situation. She adamantly doesn't want to be with me, even if I have changed to be everything I should have been before.

It feels like I'll never be happy without her. I love my son dearly but she was such a huge part of my life for such a long time, seeing her and just knowing nothing I can do or change will make her want to be with me again. On top of that, she's happier with those friends I didn't like for years, living with them as they pamper her and do all the things I wish I could be doing with her. She's only around me for the time she has to be to see our son, it fucking hurts man. Blindside divorce is a nightmare from hell.