Did anyone else really throw themselves into work after their divorce? It seems like a band aid but after almost four years and a couple relationships I just feel empty and keeping busy doesn't really cut it.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-09-20T00:03:43+00:00

Men are not poverty eradication plans for lazy or undisciplined women.

ManKind__ · 2021-09-20T00:03:05+00:00

I'm working 12hr days, 7 days a week now. I'm just trying to get some money saved up so I can get some nice things for the new apartment. Hopefully I find a hobby soon

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2021-09-20T01:21:01+00:00

Unfortunately you're not alone. I've been divorced over 2 years and I've been keeping myself busy with improving my health (daily running), and hobbies I never got to do.

Yes, most women out there are in it for financial gain. It's a very risky business out there for men, especially men doing well. Have you considered getting a pet? Be careful.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2021-09-20T02:20:42+00:00

Yes but work and finances aren’t the only thing there is to life. Balance…

Does it exist, sure but they are few and far between. And if it isn’t money they want they have some other issue they want you to take care of.

I would strongly suggest that you work on being happy and content on your own first.

I know you’ve been out for awhile now but this is what I usually post / suggestions to those that are newly divorced or are lacking direction.

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas and plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other. Your journey won’t be straight, some days you will feel like shit, the important thing is that you keep doing some positive things in your life, for yourself.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

SailingTheSSWTF · 2021-09-19T23:12:46+00:00

Yes, also before we split I was “throwing myself at work”, that’s how I realized I was trying to get away

pegleg_legal · 2021-09-20T01:46:45+00:00

The last woman lets just say strongly pushed me to pay for her divorce and I wasn't having it.

How does one even ask that of another? Dodged a bullet there.

crunx22 · 2021-09-19T23:26:27+00:00

Currently separating and moving out in two weeks and I’ll I think about is work, is it Monday yet?

I can’t stand being near her bcuz I’ll say something stupid. My kids still don’t know...

derelictherds · 2021-09-20T01:32:24+00:00

My background and dating experience is similar to yours, but the 30-40 something women have taken a more subtle approach. These women (especially with children) seem to aggressively pursue "sealing the deal" after only a handful of dates. No thanks! Start dating late 20s with zero expectations. Have some fun man.. just be safe!

treborcj · 2021-09-20T12:30:02+00:00

I did not throw myself into work. I found a friend to hang out with. He helped me with going through the divorce and then the death of my father a couple of months later.

wikdzik · 2021-09-20T01:55:17+00:00

They do exist! Coming from 35 divorcee with great job and good father for my child. Don’t look for atm, baby daddy or any gain but companionship. Hang in there.

Roto2esdios · 2021-09-20T07:36:04+00:00

I think the best advice is just focus on yourself. Find yourself hobbies and something to do and you'll never feel alone again. People who cannot be alone have a problem with themselves because they develop a dependency. The very moment the other person go his/her own way they suffer big time

GoldPotential6298 · 2021-09-20T10:13:02+00:00

How old are you, out of curiosity? You said you are 4 years removed from a 20 year marriage and you are looking for 30-40 something dates. Could be that you need to adjust your potential dating pool to something a little more mature.

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