I am M51 married to W53 and we 2 kids 16 and 13, 25 years together...

I have been drinking a lot especially in the Covid days, and ended up becoming an alcoholic. December last year my wife was fed up with me and said it is over. But she didn't want to divorce, for she said she is not ready for that yet. I fel into that known rock bottom for I didn't realize I was killing our love with my drinking so I quited. I had tried before but that didn't really worked out. It did now. I went to theraphy and still go to weekly AA meeting. Lost 15kg of weight, started moving my ass and working on my self and doing even more in the house (I am the one who always cooked food every day for 25 years)

I noticed nothing from her before December 2022, nothing that she was not in love anymore nor unhappy. We held hands, had fun, regular good sex, kissed etc before. She only said I don't like you when you drink, so I drank somewhere where she would not be. So it got to me by surprice.

I asked for a last chance in December 2022 and she said okay, you have till march. I thought I succeeded and in March she said we are together again and we would try to get back together slowly and we would see if it works out till the end of this year.

Things started slowly, we went in dates, had a lot of fun had sex again. We booked a holiday with the kids (which we didn't want to in january-february because it was all too uncertain) for this sommer and bought very expensive concert tickets too. For 2 weeks we had the best evening together since a decade I think and she says the same.

Last weekend she was on a weekend with her mother and siblings and when she got back I noticed something was different. After a day we got into a mini fight which resulted into a short "we have difficulties". So when the kids were gone I asked what she means cause I thought everything was going in the right way. Well she didn't think so. She said I don't feel the same as you do when you kiss me... 2 days of talking later it's all basicly over and she said she feels sad to know we are seperating but staying in this relation makes her sad too.

I felt kind of betrayed in januar because she played a role in a family play and I didn't notice it and now it is happening again. I personally think that because she has hormon problems because she is in the premenopausa and that she is in a depressive phase since 10 days and doesn't know what she really feels. She said to me that her feelings for me go up and down. Which would fit to the sympzons of the memopause. So I asked her to inform herself at her doctor who gave her the hormon medicines.

Ofc me being an alcoholic is a big deal breaker I get that, but throwing away 25 years ...

Because our apartment is too expensive for my wife to pay alone she would only be able to continue to live here with both kids (ofc I have to pay), but not when our eldest leaves the house to study. So I proposed that she would leave and let me stay with the kids so the kids can stay here also when our eldest (daugther) leaves and she sees it as a real option. Which wonders me totally.

I felt kind of better this morning, I don't have to be sad anymore because I know I can't have her. On the other hand she still says she is not ready for a divorce... But I don't want to live with somebody who doesn't love me as a lover.

There are other options like let the children decide with who they want to live (they are too independent and too old to do a 50/50) but if our youngest son choices me, my wife still needs to leave our apartment too.

I earn a little bit more then she does, not enough more to get loads of alimony from me.

I have no idea now if we would have to cancel the holiday our kids are already rejoicing towards. I don't really feel like I should try again with my wife, it now for sure won't come from me. We did one round of an alternative couples theraphy which we both didn't like, I was open to do something different but she isn't. She did not said a word about her feelings nor talked about it when she didn't like a day with me. I asked to communicate more in February/March.. nothing hapened.

I think I want a divorce and a clear cut, but it won't come from her soon I think. She meets a sports group twice a week full of divorced women perhaps they 'll give her next time enough support that she will want a devorce...

I'd give it a last shot but that entirely must come from her this time... I do worry it's the hormones and we would throw away a life time for something that 's gone in a few years....

Sorry for the long story