Does it get better?

No-Engineering-9414 · 2024-07-25T20:30:03+00:00

Read the island theory. Its just a short excerpt of a book that helped me through divorce one day at a time.. I keep coming back to this….

https://www.traverboehm.com/island-theory-heartbreak/

Gattsama · 2024-07-23T04:30:38+00:00

The hurt is highly dependent on your mental state and view of events. It's not the even itself that upsets a man, but his view of it. Many men that the view that marriage was for life, and things might get bad but you don't quit and they will ultimately be more good than bad. What hurts is learning that your view was false. My out look is, it's good that the marriage failed. It was not a safe, healthy, workable, nor supportive environment. I am also in the smaller pool of men that filed, again I think that helps a lot mentally. Because I choose to terminate, it was not 'forced' on me. Even so it sucked, I cried, horrible waves of guilt, etc.

Your life is as great as you choose to make it, and it sucks as much as your choose too. It's not quite that black or white, it is still true. I see guys that had a breakup (not even married) years ago still bemoaning the lost of 'the one.' They fucked up their job, money, income, home, kids, etc. I also see guys post divorced that were devastated: in jail, false abuse claims, DVPO/TRO, lost kids, broke, homeless, etc. And a few years later are killing it.

The difference is where you choose to focus your life. Divorce is the number one contributing cause to adult male suicide. Tends to be 30-40 year old, middle management, with no previous records (think of the movie "Falling Down.') But there entire life is tied up in the 'dream' of family, work, and sacrifice. And when that dream is destroyed they feel they have nothing left to live for. Because they believed in a lie. There lives are worth more than a woman, or even their kids. Same with people that get fired and then shoot up the workplace.

Do not know the circumstances of your divorce but instead of focusing on the destruction of the lie. Think of the path forward and say 'good' instead.

Good: I will not be with someone that does not want to be with me
Good: I will not sacrifice for someone that does not want me, and is not a partner
Good: I will learn more about what made me choose this person, make choices against my own self best interest, etc
Good: I am free to pursue my best life
Good: I now know the truth

Make no mistake this sucks! And it hurts! But how much it hurts and for how long? We play a huge part in that. Look to the guys here that are crushing it, and look at other guys that are still failing (sometimes years later). It's a different series of choices being made. No shade at anyone, I do not know their life story. I do know what leads to success, and that is to embrace the truth, make plan for the life you want to live, and then go and make that happen.

NorthBoy_9012 · 2024-07-22T23:54:33+00:00

America is so ridiculous in terms of numbers. What does 40 even mean. I’m 54, and totally ripped, and confident. Outside of work I present myself as manly, cultured, confident, and people feel the charisma. Don’t be programmed by societal expectation. Harriet wrote her 1st novel, which one a Pulitzer, at 72. Love yourself, live in yourself with joy, be a “flower” and the bees will come. Get that notion - “40”, “50”?or whatever number means my life is =X. That type of thinking will kill your soul and mind.

whodey920 · 2024-07-22T21:43:37+00:00

It does I was divorced after 15 years of marriage. My ex thought she could do better than me and told me she had no feelings for me. Now 15 years later I am remarried and she is still no seeing anyone

Heavy-Bench-5378 · 2024-07-22T19:43:22+00:00

Find a good Therapist. After 16.5 years together... my wife filed for divorce last month. We split the kids, I have my eldest daughter and she has our younger two kids. We're fighting for custody and it is getting ugly. My parents are still married after five decades of marriage, they are elderly and retired. My Therapist has helped me make sense of a lot. My wife was physically violent for years, I swept it under the rug, until I filed charges and she was arrested. She and I do not communicate directly. Do not try to do this alone, definitely book a session with a therapist, if you don't like the one you find, look for another one. Once you process everything, you'll start to find peace and miss her a lot less. I still love my wife, even in her 40's, she's stunning, charming, and very fit. It is her mind that is not well, and it took me a while to be honest with myself about how much she'd declined.

Limit or stay away from the Booze. 2 of my friends drank themselves to death at ages 38 and 44. My brother's friend did the same at age 34. My brother was going down that road but went to AA and reconciled with his wife after a year apart.

My Mom and Dad, plus my children, have been crucial in my ability to hold it together. My son had witnessed violence, but everyone else just learned about it recently.

Double-Membership-31 · 2024-07-22T16:43:43+00:00

This is the fifth year I broke up with my gf of 3 years relationship. It has not get any better... Deep inside. I can't imagine how unbearable would be for you with 10 years of marriage. I hope you find that woman who can give your mind peace. A man's hug

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-07-21T22:17:28+00:00

It does stop hurting. Give it half the time you were married to heal. That doesn't mean don't date until then, but you will still get down and triggered by random things until then.

The first year is always a total write off of you were the dumpee. Year three is much better. After 5 you'll be so thankful you were set free.

WorkingSearch6124 · 2024-07-21T21:47:00+00:00

This is probably going to sound blunt but did you think about the silver lining? She's gone from your life...There are so many men out there who are fighting so hard to get rid of the wife! If there is no reciprocation, it is not a healthy relationship - it probably never was...You are better off! Take the time to grieve for however long you need....and then move on...Cannot avoid the pain if you were emotionally invested...Some say it goes away...I say it only fades away but never completely goes away.....You need to learn to overcome....No other choice!

FLTrent · 2024-07-21T21:12:52+00:00

Lay on my side, put my tablet against a pillow, and read.

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-07-21T17:51:23+00:00

Yup, it does. The first year I was a stressed mess, the second year I was a depressed mess, in the 3rd year now, and it's okay. I wouldn't say I'm better than pre-divorce, but I'm multiple times better than I was those first two years.

Betteroffalone1111 · 2024-07-21T14:38:05+00:00

Like they say time will heal all things, work on yourself, start a hobby, make money, don’t dwell on the past

fmfhza · 2024-07-21T08:31:30+00:00

My wife and I separated 200 days ago, on January 3rd. Our court date is in 29 days on August 19th.
For the last six and a half months I was so distraught, I was suicidal, I went on a hard drug bender… a couple times….
I’m not sure what happened today, but my attitude has shifted 180 degrees. I’m starting find acceptance.. “Who cares if she has a new man? If she’s happy for a change then I should be happy for her because I love her. I full well despise feeling alone and not knowing when or if someone will love me again. But as far as the pain about her, I just have to embrace the realization that, of course I still love her, so if she’s happier in her life doing something that doesn’t involve me, then I must be accepting, because I care about her, and she deserves to be happy, even if I’m not. I’m starting to sound like a sane, rational, caring adult. I believe this is the attitude I need to adopt to support my mental health so i don’t end up back where I was pretty much abusing myself with drugs, and suicidal. Now I just need to do more self-absorbed things, rediscover myself and figure out what I can do by myself that makes me happy again. Perhaps soon I’ll find some pretty young thing to share her affections with me.
So I’ve had a pretty messed up journey and we’re not even divorced yet. Id say it absolutely can get better. I’ll probably backslide a little bit at some point, but I’m trying to make progress everyday. Yes it still hurts: that’s the woman i wanted to grow old with who doesn’t want a life with me anymore, and is with the guy she told me was “just a friend” she knew from back in high school. I was with her for thirteen years, or a third of my life, and I miss her a lot. But I’m just going to cling to my positive attitude of allowing her to be happy, and focus on myself. Buddhism teaches us that desire is the root of suffering. Trying to cling to a life and a home that no longer exists is only going to cause me a great deal of mental anguish. I must do positive things for myself. So yeah, subjectively, for myself it is starting to look up and get better. Granted, this is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. But it is getting better and my journey has just started.

Title	Does it get better?
Author	Plus-SizeCommando
Upvotes	6
Comments	28
Date	July 21, 2024 5:35 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1e8f5w4/does_it_get_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-it-get-better.1524860 https://theredarchive.com/post/1524860

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